Jump to content

Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

Recommended Posts

2 eskimos sat in a boat were a bit chilly so decided to light a fire, it sank proving you can't have your kayak & heat it

 

---------- Post added 13-12-2013 at 19:22 ----------

 

marks & Spencer's ad says 'it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're correct - it'd be Chrita........

 

---------- Post added 14-12-2013 at 21:16 ----------

 

The FA have asked Sheff Utd to continue filling up there senses

 

And asked Sheffield Wednesday to continue filling up away ends;)

 

---------- Post added 16-12-2013 at 19:25 ----------

 

My mate said he reached for the liquid Viagra bottle and accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tipex. He woke up with a huge correction.

 

---------- Post added 16-12-2013 at 21:08 ----------

 

Omg please help does anyone know how to stop a bid on ebay???? I put a bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit........and I'm 15minutes away from owning leeds !!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

 

 

 

IT'S CHRISTMAS!

 

---------- Post added 26-12-2013 at 22:51 ----------

 

2 lads near to where i live got caught by the police.

 

One was drinking battery acid the other was eating fire works.

 

They charged one and let the other one off,,,,,,

 

IT'S CRISTMAS!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're only working over Christmas to get away from me and the kids," my wife moaned.

 

"That's rubbish," I replied, packing my trunks for my lifeguard shift on Blackpool beach.

 

---------- Post added 27-12-2013 at 11:21 ----------

 

Got a pair of boxers with the London Underground tube map on for Xmas.

 

Already had to change twice.

 

---------- Post added 27-12-2013 at 11:22 ----------

 

I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.

Whatever next?

Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?

 

---------- Post added 27-12-2013 at 11:24 ----------

 

I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day.

"What are you here for?" asked the driver.

"My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."

 

---------- Post added 27-12-2013 at 11:26 ----------

 

Every time the wife goes to give me a kiss, she can't because the puppy I bought her for Christmas tries to bite me.

 

Easily the best five hundred quid I've ever spent.

 

---------- Post added 27-12-2013 at 11:27 ----------

 

I'm lying in bed and really embarrassed about the moaning coming from my parents room.

 

It sounds like my dad's forgot to wash the dishes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My phone keeps falling out of the 'Slade' cover I got for Christmas.

 

It's a shoddy holder.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It amazes me how earlier, Australia was effectively a whole year ahead of us in 2014.

All the while the Middle East was exactly 1000 years behind us.

 

---------- Post added 01-01-2014 at 20:05 ----------

 

Today 300,000 skint, unemployed Romanians and Bulgarians will arrive in Dover, Heathrow and Gatwick.

 

You can say what you like about David Cameron, but his policies are really levelling out the North/South economic gap.

 

---------- Post added 01-01-2014 at 20:10 ----------

 

I had cornflakes for breakfast again this morning.

 

Times are tough at the moment being a chiropodist.

 

---------- Post added 01-01-2014 at 20:12 ----------

 

Last night I saw the New Year in with a bang.. My blow up doll exploded

 

---------- Post added 04-01-2014 at 20:11 ----------

 

I planted a tree in my garden with my grandson. "When I am gone you can come to this tree and you will be reminded of me." I said to him.

 

"Why granddad?" He replied, "will it give me money?"

 

---------- Post added 04-01-2014 at 20:12 ----------

 

Well it's January the third and I must admit I have not yet seen a Bulgarian. But in all fairness, I have only been in Bulgaria for three days.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

 

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

 

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

 

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

 

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

 

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

 

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

 

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

 

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

 

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

 

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

 

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

 

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

 

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.

 

The Union Jack must never be seen.

 

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

 

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

 

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

 

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Q. What's the difference between Bramall Lane and a hedgehog?

 

A. On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Q. What's the difference between Bramall Lane and a hedgehog?

 

A. On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

 

Er I think tha'll find that the question to that answer was a police car not Bramall lane and a porcupine LOL :hihi::hihi::hihi:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!

 

I see you have some of last years Xmas crackers left :hihi::hihi::hihi:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard.

 

"Your phone just went," said my wife.

 

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there."

 

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers."

 

"Watch the ****ing road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

 

---------- Post added 11-01-2014 at 14:27 ----------

 

I leaned over and caressed my wife suggestively.

 

"Not tonight, I've had a long day," she said.

 

I wish I'd never married the bitch this afternoon.

 

---------- Post added 11-01-2014 at 14:32 ----------

 

Thousand of Essex Mothers are desperately trying to get hold of their daughters after the BBC announced "Sharon has died".

 

---------- Post added 11-01-2014 at 14:44 ----------

 

The media say it's ridiculous that David Cameron's barber got an MBE..

 

But imagine the restraint it takes not to stab the ****.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The sheffield United fan gets community service (he was lucky). He was assigned to go and rebuild ground zero....

 

An American man says, "where are you from?"

"England", he replied

"England eh, so you like soccer, eh?"

"I love Football...not soccer, we call it football in england, and I support Sheffield United"

"Oh yeah, ive never heard of them, what state are they in?"

 

"Same ****ing state this is in ****"......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.