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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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:thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

---------- Post added 29-11-2015 at 10:36 ----------

 

Jimmy’s dad asked him, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”

 

“I don’t want to know!” little Jimmy cried, bursting into tears.

 

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

 

“Christ, dad . . .” Jimmy sobbed, “. . . when I was seven, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. When I was eight, I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then when I was nine, you gave me the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

 

---------- Post added 29-11-2015 at 10:37 ----------

 

A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for Christmas.

 

The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

 

“G.I. Joe?” the mother replies. “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

 

“No,” the daughter replied. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

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My girlfriend told me that a small penis should not be a problem in a loving relationship.

 

I still wish she didn't have one though.

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What’s the difference between a Gspot and a golf ball?

 

A man will make the effort to search for a golf ball.

 

---------- Post added 05-12-2015 at 22:55 ----------

 

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

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A man is showing an American tourist around London. When they come to a Pelican crossing, he presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes “bleep-bleepbleep-bleep . . .”

 

“What’s that for?” asks the American.

 

“Oh, that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed,” explained the guide.

 

“My God,” replied the visitor. “In the States we don’t even let them drive.”

 

---------- Post added 17-12-2015 at 17:27 ----------

 

Looking forward to the cracker jokes......:thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

---------- Post added 19-12-2015 at 11:27 ----------

 

How does a snowman get around?

 

On his icicle.........

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Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went

over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious

home.

After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could

use his personal bathroom. When he

entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that

Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in

Clinton 's private lavatory.

"Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal, too. But

that maybe just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told

Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his

discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:"I

found out who p----d in your saxophone."

 

---------- Post added 24-12-2015 at 08:20 ----------

 

Adults only

NUDE SANTA -----

 

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

 

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

 

Sometimes I worry about you!!! Now go and get some work done!!!

 

---------- Post added 24-12-2015 at 08:23 ----------

 

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

 

Who's jolly and cute,

 

 

Wearing a beard and a red Flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling And Laughing away,

 

While flying around in a

Miniature sleigh,

 

With eight tiny reindeer to pull

Him along,

 

Then let's face it...

 

You're probably pi@@ed!

 

 

 

Merry Christmas and

A Happy 2016

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Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now."3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"

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Who had the number one hit, 'We're all going on a Summer Halibut' ?

 

Cliff Pilchard :hihi:

Edited by Frankie Rage

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AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE :) 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

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Vader and Luke are in a light saber duel when Vader pauses and says:

"Luke, I am your father, and I know what you're getting for Christmas."

To which Luke replies:

"Noooooo, wait, what? How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Vader says:

"I have felt your presents."

 

---------- Post added 03-01-2016 at 12:41 ----------

 

I farted so loud last night I woke myself up.

 

On the plus side, the neighbours won't show me their holiday snaps again.

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Vader and Luke are in a light saber duel when Vader pauses and says:

"Luke, I am your father, and I know what you're getting for Christmas."

To which Luke replies:

"Noooooo, wait, what? How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Vader says:

"I have felt your presents."

 

Brilliant!

 

---------- Post added 03-01-2016 at 22:44 ----------

 

Following on from the Christmas excess of food I came across this advice : Chasing the dream does not count as exercise.

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A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a

sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized

that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two

animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the

lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

 

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the

man took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon !!

 

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It

was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and

gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the

urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to

Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

 

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could

do for him?

 

 

 

'Yes', He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

 

---------- Post added 07-01-2016 at 08:24 ----------

 

Nicola Sturgeon.

I urge all Scots to stand shoulder to shoulder with France following the Paris outrage.

President Hollande.

But first minister France has an independent nuclear deterrent and is currently bombing Syria,does this not conflict with your ethical values and your anti-nuclear and anti-bombing stance you demand from the U.K.?

Nicola.

Na dinnae start bringin facts and truth intae the discushun.Ye`ll just confuse ma numpties.

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