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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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If you see a Owls fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?

 

It could be your bike.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:12 ----------

 

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

 

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

 

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

 

"Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

 

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

 

"You're playing Tuesday."

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:14 ----------

 

Did you hear that Richard Branson was considering sponsoring Sheffield Wednesday?

Apparently, he pulled out because he didn't feel it was right to have 'Virgin' written across the shirt of a team that gets f****d every Saturday.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:15 ----------

 

Q. What would you call a pregnant Owls fan?

A: A dope carrier.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:17 ----------

 

Q: What's the difference between a Owls fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Owls fan is a real dick

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:19 ----------

 

A woman goes up to alex ferguson and says can you sign my autograph book, ferguson say course i can and duly signs it.

The following week she goes up to arsene wenger, asks him to sign it and he does as well .

The following week she goes up to neil warnock, and says mr warnock i really admire you and would love to have your autograph, of course you can luv says warnock, where shall i sign ? with that she drops her trousers and points to her f***y and says can you sign this ?

warnock looked at her and said no sorry luv i cant sign that, get ya self off to Wednesday, they sign ****s !

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If you see a Owls fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?

 

It could be your bike.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:12 ----------

 

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

 

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

 

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

 

"Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

 

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

 

"You're playing Tuesday."

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:14 ----------

 

Did you hear that Richard Branson was considering sponsoring Sheffield Wednesday?

Apparently, he pulled out because he didn't feel it was right to have 'Virgin' written across the shirt of a team that gets f****d every Saturday.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:15 ----------

 

Q. What would you call a pregnant Owls fan?

A: A dope carrier.

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:17 ----------

 

Q: What's the difference between a Owls fan and a Vibrator?

A: A Owls fan is a real dick

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 13:19 ----------

 

A woman goes up to alex ferguson and says can you sign my autograph book, ferguson say course i can and duly signs it.

The following week she goes up to arsene wenger, asks him to sign it and he does as well .

The following week she goes up to neil warnock, and says mr warnock i really admire you and would love to have your autograph, of course you can luv says warnock, where shall i sign ? with that she drops her trousers and points to her f***y and says can you sign this ?

warnock looked at her and said no sorry luv i cant sign that, get ya self off to Wednesday, they sign ****s !

 

 

Mmm daggers at dawn it is then

:hihi::hihi:

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Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

 

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

 

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

 

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

 

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

 

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

 

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

 

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

 

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

 

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

 

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

 

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

 

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

 

"How," Dave says.

 

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

 

---------- Post added 11-12-2013 at 18:44 ----------

 

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had photos of Wednesday players on them - people got confused with which side to spit on.

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My butler is such a dick.

 

He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad".

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Three Sheffield lads, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained

that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he

had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get

bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had

introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was

your IQ when you were alive?"

"159", said Slim.

"Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of

relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you

around."

"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was

done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were

alive?"

"141", said Billy-Bob.

"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little

mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."

"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What

was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"

"58" said Bubba.

Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout

them Owls!"

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 17:28 ----------

 

Why did god invent football?

So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 17:35 ----------

 

Q: What do you call a Owls fan on the moon?

A: A Problem.

 

Q: What do you call 100 Owls fans on the moon?

A: An even bigger problem.

 

Q: What do you call all the Owls fans on the moon?

A: Problem solved

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A bloke buys a Yorkshire parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from Yorkshire and I'm hard as ****!" so he puts a kestrel in its cage. Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot says, "I'm from Yorkshire and I'm hard as ****!" so the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers! As he looks in the cage, the parrot says, "had to take my coat off for that ******!"

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Three Sheffield lads, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained

that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he

had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get

bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had

introduced himself to Slim, he asked, "By the way, Slim, what was

your IQ when you were alive?"

"159", said Slim.

"Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of

relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you

around."

"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.

Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was

done he said, "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were

alive?"

"141", said Billy-Bob.

"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little

mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."

"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.

After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked, "What

was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"

"58" said Bubba.

Punching him on the arm, Einstein said, "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout

them Owls!"

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 17:28 ----------

 

Why did god invent football?

So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 17:35 ----------

 

Q: What do you call a Owls fan on the moon?

A: A Problem.

 

Q: What do you call 100 Owls fans on the moon?

A: An even bigger problem.

 

Q: What do you call all the Owls fans on the moon?

A: Problem solved

:shakes::shakes::shakes:

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 21:51 ----------

 

Eyup Owls...what d'yer reckon to the new appointment mate?

 

Go on..........?

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:shakes::shakes::shakes:

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 21:51 ----------

 

 

You're safe for a few days matey ... I'm off looking for some sun.:hihi:

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 21:53 ----------

 

:shakes::shakes::shakes:

 

---------- Post added 12-12-2013 at 21:51 ----------

 

 

Go on..........?

 

No joshing mate, I just wondered.

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Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.

That way, if he gets angry you're a mile away and you have his shoes!

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