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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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Fine mate you?

 

Good mate.

 

 

My girlfriend told me that my willie is two inches bigger than her ex's.

 

And that is why she will never go back into a lesbian relationship.

 

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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart.

 

 

I'll leave you with this one.

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I was shocked to get a letter through the post this morning saying I couldn't go within a hundred yards of my wife and kids...

 

I applied for it months ago.

 

 

 

 

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

 

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

 

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

 

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

 

I said, "No, she's an optician."

 

 

 

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.

 

"Are you still holding the ****ing ladder?".

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Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

 

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

 

 

 

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

 

It was a flop.

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I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

 

It was a flop.

 

:hihi::hihi: that's definitely one for my niece ...

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According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

 

 

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew, James, Bartholomew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

 

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

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Riveting......the most exciting job inthe world!!

 

 

 

The sequel to classic novel To Kill A Mockingbird is out soon.

 

To Cook A Mockingbird.

 

 

 

I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up.

I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation."

"Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me."

 

"I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner."

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A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's

 

girlfriend?"

 

 

 

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

 

 

 

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

 

 

 

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

 

---------- Post added 07-02-2015 at 20:17 ----------

 

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

 

 

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

 

Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

 

 

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

 

 

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.

 

 

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.

 

 

Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

 

 

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Made me chuckle ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

Peter Sutcliffe can convert to to the Jehovah's Witness faith all he likes, he's still not getting a day out to go round knocking on doors trying to convert people!

 

 

 

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

 

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

 

 

 

I don't know what to do. It's so cold outside and i only have a pair of gloves with the tops missing.

Has anyone got any tips?

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To all you beautiful girls out there happy valentines day , to all you fat birds, chin up its pancake day next week

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To all you beautiful girls out there happy valentines day , to all you fat birds, chin up its pancake day next week

 

:D

good thing I've forgotten how to make them then

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