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Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

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I went on a blind date last night.

 

"So then, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

 

"Guess," she giggled.

 

"Are you a hypnotist?" I said.

 

"No," she laughed. "Why do you think that?"

 

"Because my friend told me you were good looking."

 

---------- Post added 30-10-2013 at 18:04 ----------

 

The bouncers at my local nightclub call me Macaulay Culkin, coz I always go home alone.

 

---------- Post added 30-10-2013 at 18:05 ----------

 

Someone kept stinking the toilets out at work, so to find out who it was I swapped the air freshener for an air horn.

 

---------- Post added 08-11-2013 at 18:00 ----------

 

I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time.

 

Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"

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Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off...

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The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**ehole and wriggles it about a bit.

 

---------- Post added 08-11-2013 at 21:02 ----------

 

The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life, so we got a Kama Sutra and tried out some of the stuff in it.

 

We did The Tortoise, then we did The Inverted Crow.

 

Then the RSPCA turned up.

 

---------- Post added 08-11-2013 at 21:05 ----------

 

I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

 

---------- Post added 08-11-2013 at 21:09 ----------

 

An estate in Wakefield have not received any mail for four weeks after a postman was attacked by a dog. The residents are angry as nobody from Royal Mail told them they were suspending services on the estate.

A Royal Mail spokesperson denied this saying they wrote a letter to every household.

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

 

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mam thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....da....I became a prostitute...."

 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

 

"OK, da-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mam this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."

 

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye da, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to a country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

 

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says da.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute da! Sniff, sniff.

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

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I'm gonna use the numbers from my gas meter reading for my lottery, it works for British gas.

 

---------- Post added 19-11-2013 at 22:31 ----------

 

Some bloke knocked on door today.

I opened it and he stood there, about 3 ft 3 inches tall.

I said "who are you?" he said

"I'm the meter man"

 

---------- Post added 19-11-2013 at 22:35 ----------

 

The FA have announced tonight that they are going to re-release the Del Amitri classic "Don't Come Home Too Soon" as the official England World Cup song for Brazil 2014.

 

---------- Post added 19-11-2013 at 22:39 ----------

 

I needed to discuss my gas bill so I rang up the company:

 

"One, zero , four, seven, two," I said, reading out the numbers.

 

"One, zero, four, seven, two," agreed the girl on the other end of the phone.

 

"TEN THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO POUNDS?!" I yelled shaking the bill in the air.

 

"Yes, sir," she replied, "but if you send us a reading you might get it slightly cheaper."

 

---------- Post added 20-11-2013 at 19:17 ----------

 

Hull city of culture 2017.

 

"That's disgraceful, it ****ing well should have been us."

 

Said seventeen year old mother of three Chantel from Wybourn.

 

---------- Post added 20-11-2013 at 19:18 ----------

 

The only culture you are likely to find in Hull is a yeast infection.

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Google and Microsoft are joining forces to remove or make it harder to find references to child abuse and porn online, the BBC are said to have complained in the strongest manner possible.

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I invited my American mate to the opening of my WW2 themed pub.

 

He was late.

 

---------- Post added 22-11-2013 at 21:02 ----------

 

Joey Essex gets a right slagging in the papers, but he doesn't let it get to him.

 

Mainly because he can't read.

 

---------- Post added 22-11-2013 at 21:03 ----------

 

Joey Essex spat out a cockroach whilst doing a challenge on 'I'm a Celebrity'

 

It's the most intelligent thing ever to come out of his mouth

 

---------- Post added 22-11-2013 at 21:05 ----------

 

I was having a poo on the toilet when my wife walked past the door.

 

She said, "Christ! Make sure you spray when you're finished!"

 

So I did.

 

Now she's complaining that there's pi** everywhere, can't win with that woman.

Edited by rossyrooney

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Two lions walking down Oxford Street at 4.30pm on Xmas eve, one lion says to the other "Not many people about is there"

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My wife has been having a go at me for leaving a rusty old car on our driveway for over a year.

 

Now she has said, "Until you get rid of it there is no more sex".

 

Does anyone want to buy a 1994 Ford Fiesta, no MOT, no Tax, 134,500 miles, £18,000 O.N.O.

59

 

---------- Post added 29-11-2013 at 15:34 ----------

 

Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.

 

He must be ****ting himself.

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After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

 

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

 

---------- Post added 01-12-2013 at 13:40 ----------

 

Boris Johnson has caused controversy by asking, "What should be done with the percentage of the population with an IQ of less than 85?"

 

I've got an idea. Let's round them all up and stick them in one place.

 

And call it the Houses of Parliament.

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After 17 job interviews, and still no job,

 

I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.

 

---------- Post added 01-12-2013 at 13:40 ----------

 

Boris Johnson has caused controversy by asking, "What should be done with the percentage of the population with an IQ of less than 85?"

 

I've got an idea. Let's round them all up and stick them in one place.

 

And call it the Houses of Parliament.

 

Nice one..........

 

---------- Post added 01-12-2013 at 16:51 ----------

 

The same gang.

 

Can you imagine working for a company that has just 635 employees, but has the following employee statistics..

 

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

 

7 have been arrested for fraud

 

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

 

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

 

3 have done time for assault

 

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

 

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

 

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

 

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

 

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

 

and

 

collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer

£92,993,748 in expenses!!!

 

Which organisation is this?

 

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons.

 

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep

the rest of us in line.

 

And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension

scheme in the country!!

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