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Hello I'm babyblueeyes i am 31 nearly 32 i would like to tell about my life let see where do i begin...... when i was a child i didnt have a good childhood my mother never did the mother and daughter bond i didnt even feel any love from her never helped me with homework or chatted about boys,life sex but guess that was her level of understanding as shes fluent in italian so was my father i never got any help at school or any other support. at home where we lived in bedforshire it wasnt a family friendly environment my mum was always shouting at my dad and the flat was in poor state it was horrendous but i couldnt tell anyone because they were my parents and i loved them well i was always daddys girl i remember everytime wanting to ride on his shoulders him taking me to shops for sweets i loved my dad so much. then when i was 12 i was bullied at school which was hell they used to call me midget and minger and sometimes would be spat at school didnt do naff all untill mum stepped in coz she could see i was troubled at home. at 14 we moved to manchester where mum met her ex partner who cant be named and i liked him and things were going great untill his cousin came to stay with us one night my mums ex partner cousin came into my room in my bed and put his hands down my underwear i was scared and froze and didnt know what was happening i broke in tears when he left my room and wrote what happened in my diary that my uncle gave me when i went to italy i was scared to tell my mum few days later when i told mum what her ex partner was doing to me she told her ex and he kicked him out but told me and mum not to get police involved as it would coz probz for his family in grimsby but he was no differnety to his cousin coz weeks passed and he himself started to molest me god knows what was going through my mind why was this happening to me i continued to write in my diary scared to tell my mum as she was so in love with him i started to become withdrawn and moody mum wanted to know why i was like that so i gave her my diary for her to read she finally knew the man she loved was abusing her daughter(me) she tried to leave him serveral times but he got violent with her one time when we moved to london the abuse still carried on she tried to leave him but he wouldnt instead he threw a pint of glass over her head with beer still in glass i went out i screamed in road he chased after me put me over his shoulders and dropped me on bed put his hands round my neck and stangled me i never been so terrified the abuse carried on for 2 years when we moved to sheffield i was 16 when i finally snapped and told my friends what mums ex was doing they came to my house throwing stones at window calling him a perv etc he finally realised that his secret was out and the torture that mum went through he ****** off and never came back. i do remeber this very well and i see this man in town sometimes when i do see him it petrifies me the police was involved but coulnt do alot because he didnt rape me just groped my breasts there wasnt even dna coz i been having bath everytime he did that i felt dirty and ashamed so that was that anyway i met my 1st ex at a charity shop we started dating and gradually became boyf and girlf but didnt last till 2 yrs because with my family. in 2004 i met my 2nd ex we lived on same street i remember i used to watch him come home from work in his red corsa car or sometimes fetch his kids from my top bedroom window i would sometimes say hi or wave it wasnt untill my ex friend him that i liked him we went out few times then started dating everything was going great untill his ex intervered in our relationship basically she was jealous of me but she became even more jealous when i was expecting my 1st baby in may 2005 then my second in 2006 things between me and ex turned sour and i didnt blame him at all it was always ex ex ex that was intervering in 2007 a incident of DV between me and ex was never his fault but mine mine for taking on his kids when i had no right to i was preganat with my 3rd she was born in 2008 my 4th baby was born in 2009 u must all be thinking i must of been mad to have 4 kids but i wanted a big family that i could love i was living in a seperate house ex was living in a serperate house but he would always come down to bath them read them story and put them to bed at weekends he would always take them out i started to struggle with all 4 on my own with no support from my mum only that she would take them to her house however my dad did hell of a lot and im grateful what he did sadly he passed away in 2009 after boxing day he was very ill thats coz mum never looked after him properly she would however always blame me for his illness and death and i sometimes do blame myself i didnt force my dad to help me he always volunteered he adored his grandchildren losing my dad has left a hole in my heart but what i was about to face was even bigger hole all kids argue and fight with each other they fall and hurt themselfs my oldest 2 are no different one day glen went to school with cuts,bruises,and scratches on him and his school made assumptions that me or dad was hurting him when we never they reported us to the social services instead of coming to us first to find out what had happened kids were put on child protection then put in care i do blame myself coz i could of taken a better care for them i should of put their needs first instead of mine at end of day my life has been rubbish through childhood till now all i ever wanted was love, warmth and security i didnt get that at all from my mum i dont think i ever felt love from mum or anybody i wanted someone to love me i felt abdoned and alone i was all about love for me someone to love me but instead i got hate,anger, loneliness i lost everyone close to me I'm not a bad person just suffering a lot at end of day all I ever wanted was love of my mother but never got it love from ex but he just used me everyone used me.

 

 

I am having councilling but that don't work what else can I do???

*

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Look, what happened whilst you were a child is not your fault. You should never feel that it is your fault and you should never be made to feel like it is. Now, the problem is that that stuff will affect you regardless ... Whilst it may not feel like your current therapy isn't working, keep at it.

 

Don't suffer in silence but don't let history stop your future.

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It sounds as if you have well and truly been through it.

 

Do you have safe housing and friends around you?

 

What happened to you was wrong. Well done for asking for help. It is a big step forward in taking responsibility for where and who you are now in your adulthood.

 

Rubbish stuff sometimes happens to people. At that point one can choose to use the past as a hammock or a springboard. I hope for your children it will be the latter :)

 

Good luck, hopefully the nice people of the Sheffield Forum will offer you guidance and new avenues to try.

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Hello I'm babyblueeyes i am 31 nearly 32 i would like to tell about my life let see where do i begin......

 

when i was a child i didnt have a good childhood my mother never did the mother and daughter bond

i didnt even feel any love from her never helped me with homework or chatted about boys,life sex but guess that was her level of understanding

as shes fluent in italian so was my father i never got any help at school or any other support. at home

where we lived in bedforshire it wasnt a family friendly environment my mum was always shouting at my dad and the flat was in poor state it was horrendous but i couldnt tell anyone because they were my parents and i loved them

well i was always daddys girl i remember everytime wanting to ride on his shoulders him taking me to shops for sweets i loved my dad so much.

 

then when i was 12 i was bullied at school which was hell they used to call me midget and minger and sometimes would be spat at

school didnt do naff all untill mum stepped in coz she could see i was troubled at home.

at 14 we moved to manchester where mum met her ex partner who cant be named and i liked him and things were going great untill his cousin came to stay with us one night

my mums ex partner cousin came into my room in my bed and put his hands down my underwear i was scared and froze and didnt know what was happening i broke in tears when he left my room and wrote what happened in my diary that my uncle gave me when i went to italy

 

i was scared to tell my mum

few days later when i told mum what her ex partner was doing to me she told her ex and he kicked him out but told me and mum not to get police involved as it would coz probz for his family in grimsby

but he was no differnety to his cousin coz weeks passed and he himself started to molest me

god knows what was going through my mind why was this happening to me i continued to write in my diary scared to tell my mum as she was so in love with him

i started to become withdrawn and moody mum wanted to know why i was like that so i gave her my diary for her to read she finally knew the man she loved was abusing her daughter(me)

she tried to leave him serveral times but he got violent with her one time

 

when we moved to london the abuse still carried on she tried to leave him but he wouldnt

instead he threw a pint of glass over her head with beer still in glass i went out i screamed in road he chased after me put me over his shoulders and dropped me on bed put his hands round my neck and stangled me i never been so terrified

the abuse carried on for 2 years when we moved to sheffield

 

i was 16 when i finally snapped and told my friends what mums ex was doing they came to my house throwing stones at window calling him a perv etc

he finally realised that his secret was out and the torture that mum went through he ****** off and never came back.

 

i do remeber this very well and i see this man in town sometimes when i do see him it petrifies me

 

the police was involved but coulnt do alot because he didnt rape me just groped my breasts there wasnt even dna coz i been having bath everytime he did that

 

i felt dirty and ashamed so that was that

 

anyway i met my 1st ex at a charity shop we started dating and gradually became boyf and girlf but didnt last till 2 yrs because with my family.

 

in 2004 i met my 2nd ex we lived on same street

i remember i used to watch him come home from work in his red corsa car or sometimes fetch his kids from my top bedroom window

i would sometimes say hi or wave

it wasnt untill my ex friend him that i liked him we went out few times then started dating everything was going great untill his ex intervered in our relationship

basically she was jealous of me but she became even more jealous when i was expecting my 1st baby in may 2005 then my second in 2006

 

things between me and ex turned sour and i didnt blame him at all it was always ex ex ex that was intervering

 

in 2007 a incident of DV between me and ex was never his fault but mine mine for taking on his kids when i had no right to

i was preganat with my 3rd she was born in 2008 my 4th baby was born in 2009

u must all be thinking i must of been mad to have 4 kids but i wanted a big family that i could love

i was living in a seperate house ex was living in a serperate house but he would always come down to bath them read them story and put them to bed at weekends he would always take them out

i started to struggle with all 4 on my own with no support from my mum only that she would take them to her house

 

however my dad did hell of a lot and im grateful what he did sadly he passed away in 2009 after boxing day he was very ill thats coz mum never looked after him properly she would however always blame me for his illness and death and i sometimes do blame myself

 

i didnt force my dad to help me he always volunteered he adored his grandchildren losing my dad has left a hole in my heart but what i was about to face was even bigger hole

 

all kids argue and fight with each other they fall and hurt themselfs my oldest 2 are no different one day glen went to school with cuts,bruises,and scratches on him and his school made assumptions that me or dad was hurting him when we never they reported us to the social services instead of coming to us first to find out what had happened

 

kids were put on child protection then put in care i do blame myself coz i could of taken a better care for them i should of put their needs first instead of mine

 

at end of day my life has been rubbish through childhood till now all i ever wanted was love, warmth and security i didnt get that at all from my mum i dont think i ever felt love from mum or anybody

 

i wanted someone to love me

i felt abdoned and alone

i was all about love for me someone to love me but instead i got hate,anger, loneliness i lost everyone close to me

 

I'm not a bad person just suffering a lot at end of day all I ever wanted was love of my mother but never got it love from ex but he just used me everyone used me.

 

 

I am having councilling but that don't work what else can I do???

*

 

 

 

Better?

 

 

 

.

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Hello I'm babyblueeyes i am 31 nearly 32 i would like to tell about my life let see where do i begin...... when i was a child i didnt have a good childhood my mother never did the mother and daughter bond i didnt even feel any love from her never helped me with homework or chatted about boys,life sex but guess that was her level of understanding as shes fluent in italian so was my father i never got any help at school or any other support. at home where we lived in bedforshire it wasnt a family friendly environment my mum was always shouting at my dad and the flat was in poor state it was horrendous but i couldnt tell anyone because they were my parents and i loved them well i was always daddys girl i remember everytime wanting to ride on his shoulders him taking me to shops for sweets i loved my dad so much. then when i was 12 i was bullied at school which was hell they used to call me midget and minger and sometimes would be spat at school didnt do naff all untill mum stepped in coz she could see i was troubled at home. at 14 we moved to manchester where mum met her ex partner who cant be named and i liked him and things were going great untill his cousin came to stay with us one night my mums ex partner cousin came into my room in my bed and put his hands down my underwear i was scared and froze and didnt know what was happening i broke in tears when he left my room and wrote what happened in my diary that my uncle gave me when i went to italy i was scared to tell my mum few days later when i told mum what her ex partner was doing to me she told her ex and he kicked him out but told me and mum not to get police involved as it would coz probz for his family in grimsby but he was no differnety to his cousin coz weeks passed and he himself started to molest me god knows what was going through my mind why was this happening to me i continued to write in my diary scared to tell my mum as she was so in love with him i started to become withdrawn and moody mum wanted to know why i was like that so i gave her my diary for her to read she finally knew the man she loved was abusing her daughter(me) she tried to leave him serveral times but he got violent with her one time when we moved to london the abuse still carried on she tried to leave him but he wouldnt instead he threw a pint of glass over her head with beer still in glass i went out i screamed in road he chased after me put me over his shoulders and dropped me on bed put his hands round my neck and stangled me i never been so terrified the abuse carried on for 2 years when we moved to sheffield i was 16 when i finally snapped and told my friends what mums ex was doing they came to my house throwing stones at window calling him a perv etc he finally realised that his secret was out and the torture that mum went through he ****** off and never came back. i do remeber this very well and i see this man in town sometimes when i do see him it petrifies me the police was involved but coulnt do alot because he didnt rape me just groped my breasts there wasnt even dna coz i been having bath everytime he did that i felt dirty and ashamed so that was that anyway i met my 1st ex at a charity shop we started dating and gradually became boyf and girlf but didnt last till 2 yrs because with my family. in 2004 i met my 2nd ex we lived on same street i remember i used to watch him come home from work in his red corsa car or sometimes fetch his kids from my top bedroom window i would sometimes say hi or wave it wasnt untill my ex friend him that i liked him we went out few times then started dating everything was going great untill his ex intervered in our relationship basically she was jealous of me but she became even more jealous when i was expecting my 1st baby in may 2005 then my second in 2006 things between me and ex turned sour and i didnt blame him at all it was always ex ex ex that was intervering in 2007 a incident of DV between me and ex was never his fault but mine mine for taking on his kids when i had no right to i was preganat with my 3rd she was born in 2008 my 4th baby was born in 2009 u must all be thinking i must of been mad to have 4 kids but i wanted a big family that i could love i was living in a seperate house ex was living in a serperate house but he would always come down to bath them read them story and put them to bed at weekends he would always take them out i started to struggle with all 4 on my own with no support from my mum only that she would take them to her house however my dad did hell of a lot and im grateful what he did sadly he passed away in 2009 after boxing day he was very ill thats coz mum never looked after him properly she would however always blame me for his illness and death and i sometimes do blame myself i didnt force my dad to help me he always volunteered he adored his grandchildren losing my dad has left a hole in my heart but what i was about to face was even bigger hole all kids argue and fight with each other they fall and hurt themselfs my oldest 2 are no different one day glen went to school with cuts,bruises,and scratches on him and his school made assumptions that me or dad was hurting him when we never they reported us to the social services instead of coming to us first to find out what had happened kids were put on child protection then put in care i do blame myself coz i could of taken a better care for them i should of put their needs first instead of mine at end of day my life has been rubbish through childhood till now all i ever wanted was love, warmth and security i didnt get that at all from my mum i dont think i ever felt love from mum or anybody i wanted someone to love me i felt abdoned and alone i was all about love for me someone to love me but instead i got hate,anger, loneliness i lost everyone close to me I'm not a bad person just suffering a lot at end of day all I ever wanted was love of my mother but never got it love from ex but he just used me everyone used me.

 

 

I am having councilling but that don't work what else can I do???

*

 

I am so sorry that you have suffered so. What you need to understand is that what happened to you as a child was not your fault, yet you have let it affect all your life. It is like you have been inviting people to hurt you because you think that is all you are worth. Like a never ending circle. But it doesn't have to be so... you didn't ask or deserve to be abused and the people who did it were monstrous, and you need to take control.. for yourself.. Of course you loved your Mum, how could you do anything else... but she let you down badly, and it could be that you are following her footsteps, because this is what you were taught. If that is so.. you can change...... You need to continue with the counselling and really take the time to look carefully at what has happened, especially with your own children.

 

With regard to children hurting themselves... there are certain areas on the body that children cannot hurt themselves, and this will have been investigated thoroughly.... Children are not taken into care lightly... and I think you need to address the reason honestly without excuses.

 

If you continue with the counselling, and dedicate yourself to sorting out your emotions, it could be that your children will be returned to you... The Judicial process is a long one. It has to run its course now, and is pointless trying to rush it or trying to gloss over anything, because professionals see this everyday, and will be able to spot anomalies a mile off.

You still have supervised contact with the children don't you?

 

Resolve to work with all the people around you and try and build your life independently; without tying yourself to any other partner. Sort your home out... (I always find that cleaning my home and getting things into order, settles my mind and improves my self esteem) Above all tell the truth to yourself. Do some classes.. and focus on getting work if you are not working. You can even do voluntary work in a Care Home where you will be able to give care and love unconditionally to people who really need it.

Only you can work this out... it had a beginning and will eventually reach a conclusion. Write everything down, and read it at the end of each week?

Please take care...stay strong and focussed; and I wish you all the luck in the world.

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In addition to the very wise words of Catpus, there is support for women who've been through terrible traumas like you have.

Although they are self help in nature they are managed by a trained counsellor. Sometimes listening to others experiences helps the process of healing.

 

pm me if you want the details

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Babyblueeyes, do you have any family or friends who you can confide in? Don't give up on the therapy. I hope you get the help you need, my first post wasn't meant as a criticism, the more people who read and understand your situation the better, hopefully someone on here can help.

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Inappropriate bickering removed.

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hi babyblueeyes

 

well done for having the courage to post what you have. it sounds like things feel pretty hopeless and desperate.

 

i have come from a tough background and have had years of counselling. something very wise that my counsellor once said to me was if you think of how many years it has taken to do all this damage, think how many it will take to undo it. that isn't meant as a discouragement - quite the opposite. it is a proven fact that what happens to us as children even affects the development of our brains and how we then think and feel.that isn't something that anyone can just "snap out of" - you have to re-train everything in you so that you don't continue being that child that was wounded.

 

so i guess what i am saying in a round about way is keep going with your counselling.change counsellor if need be but make sure it's for the right reasons.check your counsellor is registered with the BACP (just google them).i once had a dodgy counsellor who i later found out wasn't even properly trained and it did me so much damage. keep going babyblueeyes - 6+ years down the line of therapy, i promise you, it does get better

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Dear babyblueeyes

 

Your words about your father suggest to me that you felt safe in his company. If he loved you as much as you clearly loved your dad, then there are very many reasons for me to feel confident on your behalf. You can and will get to a better place.

 

Our early years are so very important for us and set the foundations for the way we develop as individuals, how we grow up, the adults we become.

 

No doubt you have had some serious difficulties in your early life – things that shouldn't have happened, and I am sorry that such things happened to you.

 

But you have bravely sought help. That's fab!

 

And, because there was someone positive who was there for you during your early years, then the influence that they had, the love that they gave, and the safety they made you feel can and will help you even today.

 

When there are no positive factors in a person's early life, then any recovery can be very difficult. Because your dad was there for you then, his influence is there for you even today (whether or not he is around).

 

You will make it through!

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