Eccentric 10 #1 Posted August 9, 2013 THE FAIRY CAKE, a tragedy in three acts PERSONAGES Sir Archibald Pomfret-Cake, CBE, father to Henry Henry, his son Guinevere Knobbington-Smuggly, Henry’s betrothed Elizabeth, a dog John Butler, a butler The setting: the dining room of a country mansion. ACT I Archibald and Guinevere seated at the table, Elizabeth on the floor. Archibald Rejoice, fellow citizens. In sooth, I have not been this elated since I chased the Zulus out of the deserts of the Pacific, sporting only a toothpick. Guinevere I daresay, Archibald, you must be truly well-pleased by virtue of this joyous occasion. Archibald That, my dearest, I am without the slightest shadow of a doubt. One might even assert that I am highly contented. Guinevere It never ceases to please me when I know that people are contented, especially if these people are known to one, such as yourself, Archibald. Archibald Being contented is indeed an achievement of the highest merit. They eat in silence for a minute. Guinevere Say, Archibald, has he announced the time of his glorious entry? I fear we shan’t have partaken of dinner at our usual time, should he encounter a delay. Archibald Your fear is well-founded, albeit venial. For as has been communicated to me, he is intent upon employing the services of the railway by way of conveyance hither, whereupon he shall alight at the designated station which is ours. Guinevere I am presently wholly soothed and at ease. Thank you for your unrelenting attempts at reassurance. Archibald The pleasure is mine, given that I am continuing to be highly contented. Elizabeth Bark. Archibald In sooth, Eliza, your optimism is commendable and worthy of admiration. Now, I should fain endeavour to peruse a newspaper, were it not for its remote positioning upon yonder stool. He rings the bell. Enter John Butler. John You rang, sir? Archibald That is a correct statement, although I cannot, for the time being, fathom the reason for your eccentric usage of the simple past. The action of my ringing the bell has only just taken place, for which reason it would behove much better to employ the present perfect, i.e. ‘you have rung’. John The pragmatic ineptitude of my phrasings must not go unpunished, sir. I beg leave to reimburse you my entire salary for this month. Archibald Dear butler Butler, I am to-day highly contented. And upon account of my being highly contented upon this present day, I shall deign to qualify the aforementioned ineptitude as a ‘variety’ rather than a ‘solecism’. Such is the nature of my content, which has truly reached altitudes unbeknownst to man. And you see, Butler, I am a man who enjoys reasons. Not for me, this everlasting state of being contented without a reason. No, no, never. When I am contented, it hath a reason. How I bemoan the ill-fated condition of the masses who are contented without having a reason for it. It undermines the very concept of reasons, and that of contentedness as well — one might say, concomitantly, albeit not necessarily in juxtaposition, for one follows from the other, which would seem to imply that, rather than there being a juxtaposition involved, there is a corollary. And that is why, Butler, I have an excellent reason for being as contented as I am. That it not to say that such a reason ought to be communicated or revealed forthwith, although I cannot, at present, perceive any objections to such an action, let alone entities by dint of which it might be hampered. John Tea, sir? Archibald Yes, please, and fetch me that newspaper. John gives Archibald the paper and exits. Guinevere My dearest Archibald, I feel your contentedness. I sense it unremittingly. It permeates me. Pray, dearest Archibald, never cease being contented. Archibald That, I fear, is an ambition which solely the gods can fulfil, Guinevere. Yet I shall uphold the noble work of contentedness unto my last breath. I do hereby pledge it, Guinevere! Guinevere Oh, how heroic! ---------- Post added 09-08-2013 at 18:55 ---------- ACT II Elizabeth Bark. Guinevere I agree totally and unconditionally. Where there is contentedness, any vocalisation must be encouraged. If I remember correctly, Archibald, you yourself crippled the Esquimeaux at the siege of Düsseldorf, by sheer contentedness. Archibald Forsooth, that I did. These Esquimeaux insurgents were attacking the good citizens of Düsseldorf, brandishing their submarines and shouting offence at little toddlers. I single-handedly put a stop to it by being contented. For from the very moment when I commenced my contentedness activities, all the Esquimeaux fled back to whence they had come, to wit a little corner-shop upon the desert islands off the coast of Mongolia. Enter John. John Your tea, sir. Archibald And there is a valuable lesson to be learnt: never forget to pack your contentedness when at war with the Esquimaux. Enter Henry. Guinevere I say, old bean! This is irrefutable proof that my betrothed hath arrived, for had he not arrived, he would most definitely not have arrived. Archibald Your observation is shrewd and betrays great analytical prowess. John Shall I take your coat, master? Henry You can borrow it, but I want it back. John Of course, master. Please excuse my wanton impropriety. It is in all likelihood a consequence of a superfluous chromosome on my part. Guinevere Be seated, my betrothed. Henry takes a seat and clumsily drinks a glass of wine, spilling it all over the carpet. Guinevere Now then, Archibald, I trust the state of your contentedness will eftsoons reach such insurmountable dimensions, nary an alpine cham will possess the mettle to surmount it. [to Henry] You see, your father has attained unreachable levels of content, and I am certain that, centuries into the future, his name will be mentioned in the encyclopædias as being a paragon of content. Archibald In sooth, my son, Sir Archibald Pomfret-Cake, CBE, is a man of such egregious contentedness, no appropriate words have been developed to circumscribe the nature of his content. And a fact which renders this feat even more pleasing is the fact that Sir Archibald Pomfret-Cake is yours truly himself! Guinevere Oh, happy, joyous occasion! John How was the economic mission, master Henry, if I might be so impudent as to enquire? Guinevere Oh, pray, yes, do impart to us, my betrothed. The odds are in favour of your relation as regards the economic mission contributing to a stabilisation of your father’s content; and that would be a very noble cause indeed. Archibald Upon conditions precedent, I may indeed vouchsafe a hearkening at your relation re the economic mission, son. Prithee therefore: how did it go? Henry Yeah, I mean, it was, like, totally awesome, like. Guinevere Oh, how that pleases me, especially the absence of vexatious experiences. Archibald That I, too, must aver. The absence of vexation is most desirable, and when it is met, by its very nature it grants a free access to all things that have not encountered vexations. John I trust you have not been amongst restive individuals, master? Henry No, they freak out, dude. I was, like, shagging this bird and having some grass, and then the rozzers came and smacked our gobs. I told them I represented Pomfret-Cake, but they were just, like, totally freaking out, man. Archibald It is with great satisfaction that I acknowledge receipt of your verbal communication. You have promoted the esteemed name of our company, and that implies that the mission has been accomplished. Guinevere Hurrah! Now then, my betrothed, I beseech you to partake of dinner, whereupon I shall be requiring your assistance in the execution of sexual intercourse. Henry Yeah, whatever. ---------- Post added 09-08-2013 at 18:56 ---------- ACT III Only John on stage, clearing away the dishes. John [reciting] I used to be ambitious till they told me: ‘Get a job!’ Not being superstitious, but gaining a few bob Has taught me that when there are many Struggling to survive, You’d kill for every penny Just to keep your ghosts alive. Enter Archibald. Archibald What a lovely ditty, butler Butler! And it proves that your knowledge of lovely ditties has hereby been irrevocably augmented to at least one. John I thank you, sir. It is an ancient hymn that harks back to the Japanese clan of McNippon, notorious in their day for installing bawdy-houses at designated helicopter parking lots, as well as declaring codfish compulsory fare at all Quaker meetings below sea-level. Archibald You know, John, I do not oftentimes say this, but the way that you clear away dishes is reminiscent of the great Attila, whose mighty hordes I once had the pleasure of buying a sandwich during the expedition to Liverpool. John It is true, sir, you do not say this oftentimes. Archibald Your acquiescence endows the utterance with validity. We are hence in accord. John We are indeed, sir. Archibald is suddenly startled. Archibald [pointing at the table] What on earth is that? John It is a fairy cake, sir. Archibald A FAIRY CAKE??? A FAIRY CAKE??? Are you seriously telling me that in my residence, within the walls of mine innocent abode, there is a FAIRY CAKE? John Affirmative, sir. Such is indeed what I am seriously telling you yourself, sir. I plead for lenience beforehand, should I have failed to please you through this utterance, or, for that matter, succeeded in displeasing you. Archibald [frantic] A FAIRY CAKE! BY JOVE! A FAIRY CAKE! Whence on earth hath this abomination sprung? John Master Henry implored me to bake one for him, sir. He swore that is highly delectable. Archibald Then, we are ruined. Alack! Lackaday! Fetch Henry! Now! Exit John. Archibald My contentedness! My precious contentedness! The shares will plummet! Oh, my goodness, I should have bought stock in despondency, and a few bonds in crestfallenness. ’Tis the end, Archibald. The definitive crash of contentedness. Woe is me! Enter John with a stoned and naked Henry, followed by a disgruntled, equally naked Guinevere. Guinevere [angry] Now then, Archibald, although I aver that the vicissitudinous character of your prized contentedness contributions may spasmodically prompt you to opt for an instantaneous revaluation of the disgruntled segment in order to maintain high levels of content in the long run, I cannot but exprobate such brutality as this scallywag of a butler has displayed just now. The interruption of sexual intercourse is anything but conducive towards contentedness, as you ought to be well aware, and joyous days such as the present had better not be bereft of the basis whereon content potential is rightly nourished in the behoof of corporate planning. Henry Yeah, I mean, that’s just, like, weird, dude. Get a grip, man. Archibald A grip? A grip? Can you not behold how livid with rage I am? Guinevere Now that you mention it, perhaps it transpires so. However, lest you should once again succumb to impulses, it is advisable to communicate clearly the state of your mental affect. You may do so in writing or verbally, as you prefer it. Archibald Henry! What is this? Henry That’s a fairy cake, man. Archibald And why, I might reasonably enquire, have you not eliminated said fairy cake? Henry Are you off your head? They’re delicious. I was, like, sitting, yeah, and this bloke came round, yeah, you know, like, just came into the room, like. And he had these fairy cakes, yeah, and he like said, like, ‘would you like one?’, like. And I’ve eaten hundreds of ’em. Archibald [furious] IT SHALL NOT DO! No offspring of mine is going to smuggle fairy caked into the Pomfret-Cake empire! I ought to disinherit you straight away. You, son, have caused a complete contentedness crash! We are done for. John The shooting iron, sir? Archibald The shooting iron, Butler. John hands Archibald a pistol. Archibald I shall teach you a lesson! Economic missions are not there to consume fairy cakes. Given that you have wrecked all there is to wreck, you leave me with no other option but to set an example. I daresay you like this fairy cake, do you not? Henry I love it, man! Archibald And I suppose you would be devastated if anything happened to it, would you not? Henry Of course. Archibald Then, is anyone in this room against my setting an example? All those in favour, say aye! John Aye. Guinevere Aye. Elizabeth Bark. Henry [to Elizabeth] You bitch! Archibald Right, then. Three, two, one… He executes the fairy cake. A few moments of silence ensue. Guinevere You have done the right thing, Archibald. Archibald [glum] Forsooth, that I have, yet I have not felt this despondent since I lost my snuff box aboard the Swiss navy’s foremost flagship, careering backwards down the Amazon with dozens of yuppies hurling their mobiles at us. And mobiles in those days were very large and heavy. Guinevere So, what is there to be done now? Archibald Rebuild contentedness? Can it be done? I am overwhelmed by crestfallen, bleak murkiness. Henry You forget something, man. I’ve brought 500 pounds of grass in my rucksack. It’ll make you contented in no time. Archibald Peradventure, my son, peradventure… Curtain drops. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
