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Friend has violent partner. Should i get involved ?

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Someone I know got out a relationship like this. She had the support of family. The police said to her parents, 'don't let her come back will you. We see this week in week out and the girl says BUT I LOVE HIM!!! Men like that should be given at taste of the same treatment.............The young lady in question didn't go back and has been married to a lovely man for over twenty years.

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Can the police get involved in cases of domestic abuse even when the victim doesn't want them to?

 

Yes they can and do, as long as there is proof like a visible injury or reports from neighbours which include specifics that can be used as identification.

 

My ex-husband was convicted for choking his previous partner while we were together because neighbours called the police to the house and while neither party cooperated with the police, the attendance and fresh bruises were considered proof.

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if the OP did get the police involved without the input of the person enduring the abuse, the person being abused may not thank them.

 

I disagree..to a point. I wouldn't be looking to be thanked. Adult victims are not unlike child victims, they have no means to protect themselves, they are vulnerable. Most relationships default to disagreement, arguments or even heated argument but that's usually where it stops because we are all aware of our limitations. Violence on the other hand is a loss of that limitation and can lead to far greater consequences.

 

 

 

If you try to force her arm, it may drive her closer to her abuser.

 

It may equally move to drive them apart. I certainly wouldn't suggest "force".

 

YOU can't make the split FOR the abused partner... THEY have to make the split for themselves, as much as you wish to do so.

 

This isn't a case of getting involved in a family tiff..it's violent abuse, "friend" should have no relevance unless your (general) concern is more about you as a 3rd party rather than the question of being the recipient of violent action.

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I think birds of a feather flock together,these kind of women always seem to attract that kind of bloke or the bloke seems to be able to find these kind of women who are vulnerable and seem to have low esteem, a few years ago I got roped into helping a friend of the wife with a nasty bloke who she was seeing he was a notorious dick head in the area.he was pushing her about in the pub one night. against my better judgement I intervened and ended up in brawl outside the pub,we managed to get rid of him for her and she seemed to be very grateful,the next time we see her covered in bruises and looking rough

she has took up with another idiot who was doing the very same to her.its up to the woman her self to get help and go to the authorities.I swore black and blue I would never get involved with anything like that again,the best thing you can do is try and encourage your friend to go to the police or report it to the police anonymously yourself and not get involved, because no mater what happens either the bloke will blame you for interfering and take it out on your friend, or she will start saying that things are OK between us now leaving you in the hot seat for interfering.from what I've heard the police take domestic violence more seriously now than they did in the past..

Edited by Shogun

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A friend of ours got married to this guy, who within weeks began beating the hell out of her. Unfortunately for him she had a younger brother who was in the navy at sea, and eventually came home. No further problem with ex and very bruised husband.

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Probably worse, than physical abuse, is mental and emotional abuse, making the woman feel as if she is worthless, incapable, and actually deserves to be beaten, and is lucky to have the guy etc.

 

---------- Post added 28-07-2013 at 22:48 ----------

 

I think birds of a feather flock together,these kind of women always seem to attract that kind of bloke or the bloke seems to be able to find these kind of women who are vulnerable and seem to have low esteem, a few years ago I got roped into helping a friend of the wife with a nasty bloke who she was seeing he was a notorious dick head in the area.he was pushing her about in the pub one night. against my better judgement I intervened and ended up in brawl outside the pub,we managed to get rid of him for her and she seemed to be very grateful,the next time we see here covered in bruises and looking rough

she has took up with another idiot who was doing the very same to her.its up to the woman her self to get help and go to the authorities.I swore black and blue I would never get involved with anything like that again,the best thing you can do is try and encourage your friend to go to the police or report it to the police anonymously yourself and not get involved, because no mater what happens either the bloke will blame you for interfering and take it out on your friend, or she will start saying that things are OK between us now leaving you in the hot seat for interfering.from what I've heard the police take domestic violence more seriously now than they did in the past..

 

Sadly, I can relate to this. You get involved, which changes things for a while, then it's back to business as usual...

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If you don't get involved and said partner goes even further would you be able to live with yourself knowing you could have done something?

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If you don't get involved and said partner goes even further would you be able to live with yourself knowing you could have done something?

 

That doesn't mean that you should wade in and try to split them up though, as that risks making you her enemy as well as her abuser.

 

'Getting involved' can be as simple as inviting your friend out once a week for lunch or for a cup of tea in a neutral environment where you can both chat without pressure and she can escape the situation.

 

During this chat you can also very gently make sure that she is aware that you think that the way she is being treated is unfair and that she does have alternatives to get away from it- but that's not the main purpose of being in contact with her and you have to be very careful not to overdo it so you're a one track record.

 

She needs allies, not people who are going to ride roughshod over her feelings and wishes and make her feel even more that she has no control over her life.

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Most of the advice from people here is to leave it so i will just have to wait. If she puts anything like that up again then i will phone the police in hope they will go round and at least see her injuries. I just hope she leaves him next time because she must know it will always happen.

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That doesn't mean that you should wade in and try to split them up though, as that risks making you her enemy as well as her abuser.

 

'Getting involved' can be as simple as inviting your friend out once a week for lunch or for a cup of tea in a neutral environment where you can both chat without pressure and she can escape the situation.

 

During this chat you can also very gently make sure that she is aware that you think that the way she is being treated is unfair and that she does have alternatives to get away from it- but that's not the main purpose of being in contact with her and you have to be very careful not to overdo it so you're a one track record.

 

She needs allies, not people who are going to ride roughshod over her feelings and wishes and make her feel even more that she has no control over her life.

 

Good response medusa.

 

The kind of 'getting involved' I was talking about, is where the abused woman asks you to intercede on her behalf, encouraging you to use force if need be. After you do that, it's only a matter of days before the dysfunctional couple are back together again, and YOU'RE the bad guy!

 

It's sad, because no one wants to see women allowing themselves to be abused, but actually being able to do something about it, and knowing that that thing is, is near on impossible. I think ultimately, people need to dig themselves out of their own mess. First, you need to realise you're in a mess of course.

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I know this may be a controversial opinion but my advice is leave her to it. You can't help somebody who doesn't want help, and at what point does the woman start to take some responsibility for what is happening to her by staying with him? I know there are the usual arguments of low self-esteem, can't see a way out, etc but there is ALWAYS a way out. Either through family or a help organisation. There are enough of them these days with the resources to help women SHOULD they want to get out. I witnessed my dad beating my mum from the day I was born, me and sisters went through hell, and I hold my mum partly responsible for that because she stayed. I remember as a small child begging her to leave, asking her to promise me that it wouldn't happen again...and it always did. Now obviously my dad was the reason it happened (and I blame him mostly obviously) but I hold my mum partly responsible because she carried on allowing it to happen. On top of that, she moved straight into another abusive relationship, albeit emotionally, and is still married to the man today. She puts him and her needs before us with him too.

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It's so annoying when women are drawn to manipulative abusive men who are completely bereft of any moral compass. When there are so many thoroughly decent men around.

 

A close family member of mine is a classic example, she's had a string of total nutcase loser alcoholic violent abusive boyfriends in her life. Nothing you say to her seems to get though, and her life is at a very low point right now; but she just doesn't seem to understand that it's a reality she's made for herself, by virtue of the choices she made. It also affects the rest of the family too, when she associates herself with low-lifes.

 

I guess we're lucky in some ways, we live in a culture where violence to women is very much not acceptable; and there are plenty of resources to help women who flee from abusive relationships. You get the impression, in some countries (e.g. India?) abuse and denigration of women is somewhat ingrained in the culture. :/

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