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Story by Woolyhead - Lucifer's Story

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... I have moved Woolyhead's story from the Writers' Group Introduction Thread. Here it is. I'm sure Woolyhead would appreciate some constructive comments.

 

 

Title: LUCIFER'S STORY. By Woolyhead

 

Two men sit at a cocktail bar. "Good evening." We nod back. A short silence follows. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Lucifer and you are?”

We tell him. We ask whether Lucifer is his real name. He laughs. He understands what we really mean.

"Oh it's my real name alright. And I really am the devil. No doubt you've heard of me." Another silence. Uneasiness. He waits as we absorb the situation. What's he going to say next? Is it a joke? If so it isn't very funny. He sits staring at the large mirror on the wall opposite. We follow his gaze and suddenly realise that he has no reflection. Our growing fear is quickly replaced by disbelief. Must be a trick. Maybe we're not sitting in the right place. We move about to see if we can change the angle. Still can't see him. He turns his head and smiles.

 

“Satisfied? No, I can see you're not. But don't worry, I'm not after you. You're perfectly safe. So before you panic, just let me tell you what I'm doing here.

"As you know, I was thrown out of Heaven for being too radical. My ideas really could have improved things. But would they listen? Of course not. Why should they? All those civil servants up there have got it made. It's down here that things aren't so good. I told Him where he'd gone wrong of course but nobody ever wants criticism, do they. He said my perception must be faulty. Faulty, me? Rubbish! No, what it was is a cover-up for all the mistakes His people made with this universe. I expect you've come across hundreds of them. Most people have.

 

I told Him that with creatures such as you, free will is a big mistake. You know how it is. If everything worth while is too hard to resist, why struggle when you can be forgiven. If you're a believer, that is. Of course if you're not then you're doomed anyway. What a setup. Sounds like a no win situation all round, doesn't it. You'd think that sin didn't really matter as much as the forgiving. Well I suppose that with His resources maybe it doesn't. He might as well have said "Do what you want and then be forgiven." It's not the way I'd do things. But then I'm only part human... well almost.

When I asked about it He said "Love conquers all."

 

Now I know a thing or two about love and about life in general and I can say with confidence that love hardly ever survives long enough to affect anything, especially with your lot. If you'd only take better care of things. And of each other of course. And not keep on needing forgiveness. Why can't you just do things right once in a while?

I'm not saying that I'm perfect myself. Far from it. I admit to liking a bit of laugh now and then. I mean, who doesn't ? And that's my point. People aren't designed to be perfect. It's alright for those religious freaks. They don't seem to want anything out of life apart from serving as slaves to admiration, guilt, begging and forgiveness. Not much of a horizon for someone created in His own image, is it?

 

Heaven certainly didn't suit me. No sex, no jokes, no laughter, no fun. All hail Marys and hallelujahs from morning to night. Of course that's OK if you haven't got an intellect and none of those healthy, physical desires. You know what I mean, don’t you?

So what was my idea, you may ask. And well you may, my friend. Let me tell you. My first idea was that if they were to be given free will then they must damn well take the consequences when they choose personal gratification over duty. After all, I had to be responsible for what I did. And although I say it myself, I'm a little more honest about it than your lot. Of course He didn't like that idea so I came up with another one straight away.

 

But would He agree? Of course not. He insisted on giving you all what He called "proper" free will so that you could all make your mistakes just the way you wanted to. He said that He only wanted properly forgiven, pure souls with Him in heaven, not some preordained quota.

I didn't know what to say.

I could have pointed out that my idea was in His own interest, that free will was bound to benefit

me more than Him But what was the point in trying to convince Him? He always knows best.

OK, in theory I'm better off with His arrangement, except that now I only seem to get those souls who actually believe in punishment. I ask you, where's the fun in torturing people like that?

 

Mind you they're not happy. They think they've been caught in some sort of a scam. As if the temptations were too strong to allow their tiny minds to make use of their so-called free will. And there's no screaming or moaning any more. Oh no, nothing amusing like that to listen to .... just complaining, morning and night. I tell you I'm getting fed up with it."

We don't know what to say. A long silence follows while he stares at the mirror. Suddenly he speaks.

"It's almost as if I wasn't here. You can see what's happened of course. They only have to ask, in a half hearted way and He forgives them. You can you see where that leaves me, can't you? I'm stuck with the really sad cases, the nutters who actually want to be punished. No pleasure in that for me.

 

Of course, now it's too late I can see what His plan was .... Please everyone, except me, by letting them get away with murder, then forgiving them all. He's got me to do His dirty work for Him while I get nothing in return. His idea of a joke, I suppose. So who's the real victim of this scam, would you say? Right, it's me. Anyway, drink up. I can see you're decent sort of chaps. I'm taking you to a nice little place in

Soho where the girls are right out of this world. And it's my treat. No, really. I insist.

 

END

Edited by Ron Blanco

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A nice piece of work here, I enjoyed reading it Woolyhead. I like the start and how it dives into this uncanny situation. The way Lucifer behaves throughout the piece, although he clearly has an evil mentality, is well portrayed. He seems very relaxed and down to earth which is a very good approach that I think could make this story unique (be careful though, Lucifer saying “I admit to liking a bit of laugh now and then” may be a bit too mortal in my opinion). Also I like the way the characters try to test Lucifer’s statement by his reflection, very realistic, and his annoyance with the sinners in hell :D

 

The use of “we” is confusing, who is we? It’s very unusual to have the protagonist being two minds, maybe they have a dual personality? There’s a lot of short sentences throughout which sort of prevent a smooth read of it to some extent. Some conjunctions might help, also usually when people introduce dialogue they use a comma or a colon instead of a full stop.

 

Dialogue could have bit more flow to it at times: "Oh No, I can see you're not. But don't worry, I'm not after you. You're perfectly safe. So before you panic, just let me tell you what I'm doing here." This sounds slightly rigid and could sound a tiny bit more natural. I think that the long period where Lucifer's talking could be interrupted by actions of what he's doing, descriptions and a few more comments by the listeners.

 

Altogether it’s an interesting story and the information Lucifer relays to the listener is interesting. It is a very good take into the mind of a typically cruel character and if you ask me, nothing illustrates this better than the last few sentences which work great in showing how easy going this incarnation of Lucifer is. Good stuff overall, but there’s room for improvement.

Edited by Akeem B

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Thanks very much for your excellent critique of my Lucifer story, regarding which I'll take your comments on board and action them, possibly as corrections to this story or maybe I'll just remember them when I write my next stories. Much appreciated, anyway.

Just out of interest, you may like to know that the short sentences were used a lot by me in technical reports so as to keep the meaning as clear as possible. I found that too much reference to "it" or "them" or "which was" etc and other conjunctions could easily give rise to misinterpretation when there was more than one subject. I must have slipped back into this mode without thinking. So now I'll slip out of it again. Regards. Woolyhead

Edited by Ron Blanco
errors

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Okay thanks no problem, it's always better when you can apply critique to more than one piece of writing.

 

The technical report style of writing must be a hard habit to get out of, but it isn't completely detrimental to the piece so at least it isn't the worst trait to pick up. I did take a while to reply and I hope I responded in time!

 

Kind regards

Edited by Ron Blanco

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Sorry Akeem of course. I picked up the Ron 'cos he'd moved my story for me right above.

Thanks also to Ron for doing that. Have I got this right, that any new story I upload can only be done at a maximum of 800 words or is the limit something bigger? Regards, Dan

Edited by woolyhead
omissions

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It's cool. I haven't got a clue about word limits to be honest. No idea.

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