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Syrup's Joke Thread (part 8)

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I saw a scouser walking down the road with a sign saying, "and Emergency" tucked under his arm.

 

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

 

He said, "I found it by Accident."

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I've recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

 

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, "Use this. You won't look as gay"

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Just been watching the ladies beach volley ball and there has already been a bad wrist injury, i should be ok by the morning

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A man went to church one day and afterward he

stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,

"Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a damned

fine sermon. Damned good!"

 

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd

rather you didn't use

that kind of language in the Lord's House.

 

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with

that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering

plate!"

 

The preacher said, "No sh**?"

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My boss came into work today with a lovely pair of new shoes. He says they cost him £100.

 

I said, "That's an hour's work for you isn't it?"

 

"No you cheeky *******!" he replied, "It's nearer to a day's wages."

 

I said, "So, an hour's work then."

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I took my car to the garage today.

 

"It looks like your belt is knackered mate"

 

"Really?" I said "how do you know?"

 

"Your trousers are on the floor."

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"Did you hear that actress Reese Whatsername got stabbed?"

 

"Who, Witherspoon?"

 

"No, with a knife."

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I've just gone into a post office, handed over a piece of paper then said "Hand over the cash!"

 

"There you go Sir." replied the cashier.

 

I love giro day.

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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

 

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all overIreland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

 

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

 

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

 

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says ‘tis okay. I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but can I at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes?

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I had a look at the Olympics medal table today. There's a massive gulf between USA and Mexico.

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Channel 4 have announced a new series where four Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.

 

It's called Scum Dine With Me.

 

:hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi: Pearler RR

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A man goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

 

"Could you taste this, please?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

 

"Does it taste sweet?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

 

"Good," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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