The Budgie of the Bolehills (By Sir Alco Coalan Doil)

[Alcoblog 10]

Hi!

Hope this link works or I'll look pretty stupid! (contains swearing) ... http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1341498490.doc

 

Basically it's a short story which I'm hoping to expand on. The character, 'One Tooth', is my next door neighbour in real life ... an elderly, dentally challenged lady who features quite regularly in my not quite true little meanderings.

The 'Famous Scientist' who lives next door to Bolehill Hall is actually me. My top secret research laboratory, 'Area 51 and a half' is based in a little side road in Crookes (can't tell you precisely where for obvious security reasons).

 

What I'm hoping to do, is to develop this and other short stories into a book about the goings-on in the fictional world of Crookes.

 

I look forward to constructive comments and indeed, criticism. Please bear in mind that this is only a rough sketch, written in a hurry!

 

(Ooops! ... sorry! Spellcheck on ... can't be bothered to change it!)

Edited July 5, 2012 by Alcoblog
Noticed spellcheck!

[Ron Blanco 10]

Congratulations, Alco. It did indeed work.

 

Now follows the tense period during which you twiddle your thumbs and await constructive feedback. Sometimes this can take a few hours, sometimes a few days, and very rarely it can happen that nobody bothers to comment at all. Rest assured that I personally will be doing my best to have a read, possibly pushing my children aside this weekend with the instruction "Keep out of my way, scallywags, and don't disturb me until I have read and absorbed Sir Alco's masterpiece". Perhaps, if you hadn't included the swear words I could have read it out to them. Never mind, it is done now.

 

Cheerio,

 

Ron

[Hopman 46]

Very enjoyable, but I wonder whether there are any plans for more stories in a similar vein.

Possible titles:

The Sign of Dore

The adventure of the Crookes Man

The adventure of the Norwood Builder

The adventure of the Devil's Moorfoot

The Rivelin Valley Mystery

[Alcoblog 10]

Very enjoyable, but I wonder whether there are any plans for more stories in a similar vein.

Possible titles:

The Sign of Dore

The adventure of the Crookes Man

The adventure of the Norwood Builder

The adventure of the Devil's Moorfoot

The Rivelin Valley Mystery

 

Yeah ... I'm working on five other short stories at the mo. This one (above) is the third, so by the time you get to it (if it were in a book of short stories), you're familiar with with the main characters.

[pattricia 575]

Very enjoyable, but I wonder whether there are any plans for more stories in a similar vein.

Possible titles:

The Sign of Dore

The adventure of the Crookes Man

The adventure of the Norwood Builder

The adventure of the Devil's Moorfoot

The Rivelin Valley Mystery

 

The Stannington Stalker ?

[Ron Blanco 10]

Hello Alcoblog,

 

Well, well, what a manic sprint around Crookes that was!

 

I thought there were some very funny bits, e.g. I loved the idea of the Shylock song. And some great phrases, like "death-defying pomposity".

 

I like the names of Gnomes & Flotsam, and their characters did seem to have some similarities to Holmes and Watson, but some differences too. How similar did you intend them to be?

 

Also on the subject of your characters, I felt a bit uncomfortable with your inclusion of Stephen Hawking. At times you portrayed him as a figure of fun, although at other times I suppose he was rather heroic. Not sure about that.

 

I did also wonder if the swearing might have had more comic impact if it was used less. But you're clearly determined to get it in there so I may be wasting my breath .

 

In terms of presentation, fair enough this was a rough version, but the more you tidy it up before posting the easier it is to read and understand:

• The presentation could be improved by using the convention that each new line of dialogue should be indented a short way.
  
• In my opinion you should remove all the blank lines and just use a 1.5 line spacing for the whole piece (Tip: In WORD, press CTRL-a to Select All, then hold the CTRL button down whilst typing 1.5). I think you only need a blank line between distinct sections.
  
• You might also change the font to Arial or Verdana which are a bit easier to read on the screen.
  

I also noticed you used the phrase 'a myriad of' whereas you should think of 'myriad' as being replaceable by 'innumerable', so in your piece it would read "...the stem of the pipe folded out to reveal myriad cleverly concealed tools...".

 

The pace seemed very hectic, probably a bit too hectic for me, but possibly in keeping with the nature of the piece.

 

Incidentally, I think it's a great idea to give your stories a Sheffield theme. Perhaps in a future episode Gnomes might take his violin down to The Cobden View one thursday evening to join in with the acoustic players?

 

Meanwhile, thanks for an entertaining read.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Ron Blanco
Added comment re font type.

[Alcoblog 10]

Hello Alcoblog,

 

Well, well, what a manic sprint around Crookes that was!

 

I thought there were some very funny bits, e.g. I loved the idea of the Shylock song. And some great phrases, like "death-defying pomposity".

 

I like the names of Gnomes & Flotsam, and their characters did seem to have some similarities to Holmes and Watson, but some differences too. How similar did you intend them to be?

 

Also on the subject of your characters, I felt a bit uncomfortable with your inclusion of Stephen Hawking. At times you portrayed him as a figure of fun, although at other times I suppose he was rather heroic. Not sure about that.

 

I did also wonder if the swearing might have had more comic impact if it was used less. But you're clearly determined to get it in there so I may be wasting my breath .

 

In terms of presentation, fair enough this was a rough version, but the more you tidy it up before posting the easier it is to read and understand:

• The presentation could be improved by using the convention that each new line of dialogue should be indented a short way.
  
• In my opinion you should remove all the blank lines and just use a 1.5 line spacing for the whole piece (Tip: In WORD, press CTRL-a to Select All, then hold the CTRL button down whilst typing 1.5). I think you only need a blank line between distinct sections.
  
• You might also change the font to Arial or Verdana which are a bit easier to read on the screen.
  

I also noticed you used the phrase 'a myriad of' whereas you should think of 'myriad' as being replaceable by 'innumerable', so in your piece it would read "...the stem of the pipe folded out to reveal myriad cleverly concealed tools...".

 

The pace seemed very hectic, probably a bit too hectic for me, but possibly in keeping with the nature of the piece.

 

Incidentally, I think it's a great idea to give your stories a Sheffield theme. Perhaps in a future episode Gnomes might take his violin down to The Cobden View one thursday evening to join in with the acoustic players?

 

Meanwhile, thanks for an entertaining read.

 

Thanks Ron!,

Thanks for your comments.

 

Yeah, I know the story's a bit hectic ... as I said, it's just a draft. Just testing it out on people really. I've still got loads to add, although i'm not planning to make it anywhere near as long as the original (read the original book and picked up on the main points)

 

Gnomes and Flotsam are supposed to be a couple of bumbling oafs, with Gnomes just stating the blindingly obvious, so no, they're not really very similar to the originals ... that's why I thought it'd be a good idea to have them swearing.

I like using Hawking in my stories as there's lots you can do with him (and the high-tech wheelchair!) I'm pretty certain that he wouldn't mind ... he's played himself (who else!?) in the Simpsons on a couple of occasions, and writes kids books with his daughter. All in all, I'd say he has a pretty good sense of humour.

 

I'll post my 'Beer and Clothing in Skegvegas' (By Alco S. Thompson) in a week or so (once again in draft). Our intrepid reporters, Stephen Hawking and Richard Dawkins go to Skegness to report on the 'Worther's Mint 500 Donkey Race' ... disaster ensues!

 

So far as presentation goes ... well, I'm pretty useless with 'Word'! Let's just say that I consider my scrawlings to be the computer equivalent of something scribbled on the back of beermats ... I shall try harder!

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and reply ... much appreciated!

[pattricia 575]

What a brilliant witty thread.

[Alcoblog 10]

What a brilliant witty thread.

 

Wot you doin' in this bit of the Forum Pat!?