Punishments or rewards at school?

[Gillie 10]

Just lately my daughter has been getting into trouble at school. The incidents range from swearing at a teacher to throwing stones at peoples houses near school. I have grounded her, took stuff away, stopped pocket money etc... I got to thinking though does any of this really work? As a kid if I did something wrong I got hit by my dad. It never stopped me from doing anything though. I never thought I won't do that because I will get hit. I do not hit my children as it did not work for me and I was wondering if you guys could suggest punishments or rewards that had an effect on you. Bascially I am running out of ideas and if something worked for you it might work for my little one.

[Belle 10]

Gillie, hey, tough call

 

I have no idea what to suggest

 

Other than to say that I was always scared about what my mom would think

 

She never hit me or took things off me, as far as I remember, but her displeasure was always crap, and still is as a matter of fact

 

I assume you have tried "heart to hearts"

 

Good luck, I hope someone who knows about parenting can help

 

But for what it is worth, I think you are doing the right thing. The main thing that kids learn from being hit is that it is okay to hit people when you are cross with them - not so useful in the playground!

[t020 11]

Having not raised a child I wouldn't know too much. However, at 22, I can still remember much of my childhood and for me personally, punishments or threats of punishment were a more effective approach. Rewards should only be used when there is something to reward IMHO.

[Jamie 10]

Gillie ... maybe more communication is the answer ... find out what's really going on with her ... get her to talk about it and give reasons for her behaviour.

 

She her you're supportive and loving and are there for her.

[max 13]

One suggestion I can offer is embarassment. Take her along to the teacher and have her apologise to her. Plus, take her along her school route and get her to apologise to everyone who lives in the houses at which she threw stones.

 

I remember 'borrowing' 4d from a milk bottle to catch the bus home. My parents made me take it back and apologise. Never felt the need to 'borrow' someone else's money again.

 

I come from a gentler age where people could leave money for the milk in the empty milk bottle on the step.

[venger 10]

Interesting one Gillie.

 

I am no child psychologist but it sounds like she is angry about something.

 

How old is she, is it teen anger, friends that she hangs out with, is she naturally naughty?

 

Or maybe there is something that she might have difficulty expressing, just as Belle suggested.

 

Is she struggling with school work, a personality clash with a teacher, lacking other interests?

 

Is she blaming herself or you for something?

 

I am sure the case is that she will have the answers somewhere, the problem for you will be finding them...

[Gillie 10]

Thanks guys for all your suggestions. My children are adopted and do come with baggage and have help to overcome these difficulties BUT (and its a big one) somewhere along the line I do really strongly believe that you have to be responsible for your behaviour. She is 12 and understands cause and effect. I just wondered if your parents had any skills that really did have an effect and made you think. I can't bear to think that she will carry on like this and mess up her education.

[Zamo 10]

I also agree with Max that being shamed can provide much motivation for not reoffending. Do an "Uncle Buck" and threaten to pick her up from school every day dressed in your dressing gown and curlers if she swears at a teacher again!

[Foxxx 10]

My mum was great when I was growing up, if I was bad I would get punished, whether it was pocket money, grounding, confiscating beloved things or, when younger, over the knee slap on the bum (this was not hitting or beating up just sufficient enough that I didn't like it and would stop doing what I was doing and not doing it again).

 

However, there was one occasion when I got out of hand at school. I was 7/8 yrs old and knew right from wrong, but my mum and dad split up and I started swearing at teachers and hitting pupils when things didn't go my way, and became violent and angry at school. My mum had informed the school that she had split up with my dad and to keep an eye on me, but they didn't and all they did was write letters to my mum and brought my mum into school to tell her about me from a point of view of chuck her out, not help her. My mum sat and talked to me but that didn't seem to work. I don't think I knew myself that I was acting this way because of the split. She didn't want to punish me for this particular phase like she would normally punish me as she knew my behaviour had changed due to the marriage split, so she tried a different angle.....bribery!!

 

Not always ideal but worked in this case. She asked me if there was something I had always wanted. For me it was having my ears pierced which was something my mum was very anti until I was 16. She agreed that I could have them done if I was good for the next two terms at school and got good reports at both parents evening and end of term school reports. Now ear piercing is not expensive, so we're not talking about a pay off here. I wanted them that much that I behaved, I was an angel. I had an incentive! My grades shot up to A's, my behaviour was golden. I got my ears pierced and by this time I was over wanting to swear and be bad. So that worked for me. Not sure if that'll help in your situation, but sometimes, a reward for being good is better than a punishment for being bad.

[Lirean 10]

Originally posted by Zamo

I also agree with Max that being shamed can provide much motivation for not reoffending. Do an "Uncle Buck" and threaten to pick her up from school every day dressed in your dressing gown and curlers if she swears at a teacher again!

[mikey 10]

You seem to know what you are talking about Lirean, what do you suggest Gillie does?

[max 13]

Originally posted by mikey

You seem to know what you are talking about Lirean, what do you suggest Gillie does?

 

Nicely put Mikey. I've just had a quick read of Lirean's other posts and while long on rhetoric, on such as how we shouldn't punish louts or shouldn't suggest that people may have mental illness as a possible source of sadness there doesn't seem to be much in the way of positive suggestions.

 

So Lirean, how about following up some of your criticisms with something positive?