The Last Gasp of a Wannabe

[maidinsheff 10]

Before I shuffle off this wannabe writers coil and give up, I thought I would ask what you guys think of the following. Its the opening of a story (Already rejected by the way.) - just want to know what others think:

 

***

The door at the end of the first floor corridor burst open, the handle on the inside creating a dint in the wall and leaving a permanent reminder of Charlie Thompson’s mood that day. Papers pinned to the notice board fluttered as he stamped by, like a crowd of well-wishers cheering him on but he was in no mood to notice. His eyes were fixed on the door at the far end, on the name which stood out in gold relief above a matt black background: Det. Sgt. Dawson

This was the third time in a week that he’d been called into her office. What would it be this time? Some other minor infringement? He knew it would be. What had he done? Pee’d down the wrong urinal? He raised his fist as if to hammer on the wood but restrained himself. He took a deep breath. He shook his shoulders slightly, seeming to settle into his uniform and then he tapped, polightly.

“In.” the ‘no nonsense’ voice on the other side commanded. He turned the handle until he heard the catch click, then he pushed the door open and stepped inside.

“Thompson.” She didn’t look up at him, she carried on reading, but he stared at her and even at that distance, he could smell her. What was it? Chanel, Dior, Dolce and Gabbani? Laura would know. He never imagined a DS wearing posh scent for work but Dawson did.

“Ma’am.” He replied, his eyes not flinching. She was about forty, he imagined. She had thick brown hair, brunette which like the rest of her was tamed and controlled. She was beautiful too in an unimaginative way; a beautiful woman not used to having to try too hard.

“Can you tell me why PC Brown has asked for a transfer?” She still didn’t look up, didn’t see Charlie’s eyes waver.

“A transfer?” He repeated stupidly. This was news to him and it took him a moment to digest it. “I don’t know what you mean, ma’am.”

“Oh, I think you do.” She raised her head at last and her eyes fixed on his. “I’m told that you have known PC Brown for a very long time, worked with him for a number of years. I understand you are” she hesitated before concluding, “close.”

“We’re friends as well as colleagues, ma’am, if that’s what you mean,” He didn’t like the hint of innuendo in her voice. What the bloody hell was she playing at? “but as for him asking for a transfer, I have no idea. You’d better ask him himself, don’t you think?”

“I’m asking you Thompson.” Now she looked up at him. Her hard brown eyes scanning his face. “Is he unhappy at work? Has he mentioned anything to you?”

Charlie let his annoyance show. “No he hasn’t. And I wouldn’t expect him to.”

“He’s a good officer.” Dawson stood up and began to walk around her desk towards where Charlie stood. “Exemplary. The sort of officer I want on my team. This request for a transfer has come out of the blue and I’m concerned.”

Charlie could feel the hairs on the nape of his neck tingle as they moved beneath the collar of his shirt. There was something about Dawson that rattled him. Made him feel uneasy. She stood close to him so that her perfume filled his head. He took a step away, an instinctive reaction which betrayed how threatened he felt by her. She smiled.

***

Maid

[FatDave 11]

So what have you done so far? Do you have an agent or are you going straight for a publisher? I saw a while ago that you had been rejected, was that for the same work or a different one?

The scariest thing I've heard about getting your book in print (information given to me by a published author, and also read in the latest Artists and Writers Yearbook) is that no matter how good your work is, there is still a large degree of luck involved.

From what I hear you have to keep trying, keep pushing, there are uggins of agents and publishers out there, and loads of great books were published after being turned down by many of them.

If you are completely happy with your manuscript, and feel that you can edit it no further, then perhaps you should seek the advice of a professional. It might be expensive, but paying someone to critique your work might well shock you and open your eyes to a multitude of changes you didn't even realise you needed to make.

Many published authors had to wait untill their severalth book until they were published.

[De Batz 10]

On a first reading, the thing I notice is that you've found a style that has some legs. It's quite pacey, in that there aren't many sentences when nothing new happens: good for a first chapter. There are some nice touches with the short sentences. The narrative voice sounds like the same voice as Charlie Thompson, about whom we get a lot of information. We're very much seeing into his thoughts, so there's a bit of me that thinks 'I wonder how it would read in the first person?'

 

There are lots of colour-type details in the sentences, which can add interest and tell us more about your characters. There's a danger of trying too hard with this sort of construction, and you're on the edge of falling into it. Be confident - there are details that you don't have to supply immediately or indeed at all. Try a bunch of versions - particularly a short chunk like this is eminently re-writeable preserving the feel and general style.

 

As far as what FatDave says, I reckon that you're not going to get published by the traditional channels, because no one is in the near future. I'm planning to release a novel for nothing on the internet at some point, to try to generate a buzz. I definitely think that's the way to get going, if you can self-manage.

[Ron Blanco 10]

Hello Maid,

 

I thought it was a very intriguing opening and I would like to have read more.

 

In terms of getting published, I gather that traditional publishers are pernickety types, and so to avoid their wrath we must not only have a great story, but we must also develop the patience (or pay someone else) to make sure that every word earns its crust.

 

For example, I like your first sentence, but I wonder if it would be better to change:

 

"The door at the end of the first floor corridor burst open..."

 

to

 

"The door burst open..."

 

The first sentence is very important, of course, and probably worth spending a little more time on than the third sentence of page 67.

 

Towards the end you have written the following:

 

"Charlie could feel the hairs on the nape of his neck tingle as they moved beneath the collar of his shirt. There was something about Dawson that rattled him."

 

I suppose a strict upholder of "show, don't tell" might argue that you have included both ‘show’ and ‘tell’ here, and that the "tingling hairs" might obviate the need for the latter sentence.

 

I wonder if these are the sorts of things that professionals might baulk at, together with the spelling mistakes and punctuation omissions, that us mere mortals are prone to.

 

Of course not every writer aims to get published. But if that's your motivation, then FatDave’s suggestion to pay a professional book doctor, or such-like, is worth considering. Meanwhile, I would just repeat my own opinion that, even in its current form, I thought it was a very intriguing opening and I would like to have read more.

Edited September 26, 2011 by Ron Blanco

[De Batz 10]

Hello Maid...

 

 

"Charlie could feel the hairs on the nape of his neck tingle as they moved beneath the collar of his shirt. There was something about Dawson that rattled him."

 

I suppose a strict upholder of "show, don't tell" might argue that you have included both ‘show’ and ‘tell’ here, and that the "tingling hairs" might obviate the need for the latter sentence.

 

 

This is my point about the first person narrative. You can have both if he's telling us - that's what first person narration is for, in some ways - but not if you are.

 

Anyway, if there's a moral about not getting published, it's this: getting published is a very limited endorsement of your actual skills as a writer. It seems to me that the majority of books I could buy as new fiction are either by people who are already famous, or are genre fiction that is created on an almost factory-ish scale to exploit a market. You aren't likely, I suspect, to get a book deal on the strength of nothing other than having even a good novel to sell. Whatever criticism you get is useful, because it shows you how others think about your work - and most of us are much better readers than we are writers - and you should use it to push your creativity. Think on this: if you won the lottery and had enough money never to have to work again, would you write? If the answer is no, then you probably don't have it in you to get to the stage of making a living out of it. Very few people who want to be professional writers (or singers, dancers, TV weathermen, studio producers, composers...) actually end up doing that. The ones that succeed (by which I mean make a living out of it) are often the ones who put the most into self publicising, pushing their product - which is partly themselves as much as their books - to whomever it might attract.

 

I stand by my original recommendation. Give your book away for free. When mine's finished, I shall do that. If it's good, it'll eventually get popular, and if it's popular, someone will help you to make money out of your writing ability.

 

Andy