My partner can't handle his beer

[Dear Forum... 10]

Hiya,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and at first it was great .. in fact, it still is great, until he decides to have a drink.

 

When we are at home and he just has a couple it is fine, but as soon as we have a night out he is a nightmare. Hes in his mid 20's so its not like hes only just discovered alcohol but he acts like a 17 year old yob.

 

Last time we went out he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar. Everyone was looking at us but fortunately for me he stormed out in a huff so it only lasted a few seconds (but felt like a lifetime).

 

Hes never ever violent to me, but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home, refusing to get in a taxi with me.

 

Each time he wakes up the next morning feeling sheepish so he knows hes done something bad - although a lot of the time he doesn't remember what.

 

Its weird because he is the perfect other half when he isn't drunk, we go out in the day and do lovely things, have lovely holidays and have nice meals out (with beer) and its all fine. It's just a proper night out he can't deal with.

 

So I have told him today next time I go out with my friends he isn't invited and good god he wasn't happy about that. He says he knows I have more fun without him (sarcastically) and tells me just to do what I want. He thinks by me saying I wanna go out without him it means I wanna cheat on him - not the case. I just don't want to be out with him when he can't behave himself.

 

At first it was once a year, and now its once every few months. I don't know how to change him.

 

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go without him? How do I make him see its because of him, and not because of any motives of my own?

[caparo 10]

Hiya,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and at first it was great .. in fact, it still is great, until he decides to have a drink.

 

When we are at home and he just has a couple it is fine, but as soon as we have a night out he is a nightmare. Hes in his mid 20's so its not like hes only just discovered alcohol but he acts like a 17 year old yob.

 

Last time we went out he got that drunk he decided to swear at me in the middle of a fairly upper class bar. Everyone was looking at us but fortunately for me he stormed out in a huff so it only lasted a few seconds (but felt like a lifetime).

 

Hes never ever violent to me, but he does throw stuff around and punch walls etc. He screams in my face in the middle of the street then walks miles home, refusing to get in a taxi with me.

 

Each time he wakes up the next morning feeling sheepish so he knows hes done something bad - although a lot of the time he doesn't remember what.

 

Its weird because he is the perfect other half when he isn't drunk, we go out in the day and do lovely things, have lovely holidays and have nice meals out (with beer) and its all fine. It's just a proper night out he can't deal with.

 

So I have told him today next time I go out with my friends he isn't invited and good god he wasn't happy about that. He says he knows I have more fun without him (sarcastically) and tells me just to do what I want. He thinks by me saying I wanna go out without him it means I wanna cheat on him - not the case. I just don't want to be out with him when he can't behave himself.

 

At first it was once a year, and now its once every few months. I don't know how to change him.

 

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go without him? How do I make him see its because of him, and not because of any motives of my own?

 

I think it is time for an ultimatum.

[mh01 10]

unfortunately a lot of people cant or wont admit to having an addiction. iv seen the effects of what alcohol does to people you love & its not nice. look after yourself first & foremost, youve told him your reasons for not wanting to go out with him so its up to him to change his ways.

 

 

 

 

p.s what you doin at the weekend?

[*Wallace* 333]

He has a drink problem plain and simple i would think it's just a matter of time until he turns violent considering he already screams and swears right in your face,no respect at all there.

[medusa 16]

The first thing you need to do is to accept that you can't change him- the only person who can change him is him, and the only person's actions for which you are responsible are your own.

 

The next thing that you could really do with accepting is that even if it's infrequent and doesn't involve actually hitting you, his actions constitute abuse. It's the sort of abuse that doesn't leave any visible bruises on the outside, but that doesn't mean that it's not leaving bruises on your emotions.

 

If you talk with him when he's sober and he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his choices with drinking then I'm afraid I'd be telling him that it's simply not acceptable to treat any other human being the way he's treating you and then letting him choose whether to adapt his behaviour as a result of that.

 

I've already been through the process of getting out of an abusive marriage and I lost count of the number of times he reduced me to tears in public, stopped me from doing something by throwing a tantrum to try to guilt me into doing what he wanted me to do, rang the police and accused me of assault because I touched him without his permission.

 

If he loves you but isn't prepared to change his behaviour to avoid abusing you in this way then I think that tells you a lot about how much he prioritises you in his life (i.e. not very much, compared to getting drunk) and how much he actually does love you. Personally I think that it's better to be alone than to be in a relationship which damages my soul and my spirit.

 

I'd consider you to be unreasonable if you were asking him not to see his friends or family, but if your only request is that he doesn't abuse you then no, that's not unreasonable at all.

[funkymiss 10]

I used to go out with a bloke like this. I remember him refusing to get in a taxi too! I also remember when he shouted at me for waving at someone before going over to say hello to him. Things he would never have done sober! Give him a chance to change if you think there is enough left in the relationship to justify it but prepare yourself that things might not change.

[Odin's Wrath 10]

Explain to him exactly what he says and how that makes you feel when he has a drink.

 

Either he doesn't come out with you anymore or he gives up the drink.

 

Neither are unreasonable requests for a grown up couple to ask of each other.

[rayggb 13]

I get couples in the back of my cab where this situation happens,I always think "get rid of him love!" The guy has got issues within himself. My mum waited 20 years before she left him,leaving us the offspring with issues!. We love our mum but,boy was she nieve!

[Jenjenz 10]

I think he has a problem when he drinks, rather than a drink problem tbh - it sounds from the OP that he doesn't drink very often?

 

I agree - it doesn't sound like he has a drink problem in the sense that he is drinking often, it just sounds like he can't handle it when he does drink. That said, it is still no excuse for his behaviour and you are not in any way being unreasonable by not wanting to go out with him.

 

Have you explicitly told him how he behaves/things he says to you when he is drunk or do you brush it off and try to forget about it? I think you really do need to tell him exactly what he does when drunk and how much it upsets you, and that you like your relationship with him when he's not getting into this state. I agree that filming him when drunk might be a good idea to really show him how he is behaving, although it might be hard to start filming in the middle of an argument!

Edited July 26, 2011 by Jenjenz
spelling mistake

[banjodeano 31]

He'll calm down when someone gives him a kicking...

[speedypete0 12]

i used to be like your partner is was not a drink problem but my own insecurity beer did not help it made me lose control and voice unfounded fear

my wife left me on more than one occassion but came back because she knew the other me it took me a long time to realise what i was doing to my relationships but eventually it sunk in & i still have a drink but now i am aware of when it starts changing my mood & that means its home time if my wife wishes to stay in the pub fair enough i just tell her i have had enough & if she wants to stay then she does if i am out on my own i am more aware of how mutch i am drinking & my actions are the same i go home before it affects me this has worked for me for some years now but it is down to your partner to realise what he is doing and what he will lose if he does not get control of his emotions & learns to deal with his issues its not just his partner he will lose but friends & family to i know this to my own cost i have upset & lost friends because of my behavior & will regret that the rest of my life even best friends get fed up with the problems of a complete a.....ole

i hope that somehow he will see was he is doing & changes before it is too late but he needs to alter himself you nor anyone else cannot do it for him

i hope he sees what he is at risk of loosing & changes his outlook

i am nearly 60 & have had to deal with my issues with emotions & drink for many years its not easy to achieve & can be hard work but he will find the benefits [trust,friendships,family & respect] very rewarding

hope all is resovled for the pair of you because it is no fun for anyone who has to live with some one with these types of issues

god bless & good luck to you both

[medusa 16]

 

I know medusa says you can't change people, but I do actually know someone that stopped drinking entirely after seeing a video of themselves drunk, and they were just "silly/prat drunk" - no form of abuse type drinking.

 

I did say that you can't change other people, but that doesn't mean that you can't provide them with a means to change themselves, such as a genuine understanding of how his actions make you feel (whether that's on film, sound recording or getting other people to tell him exactly what he said and what he was doing at the time).

 

What you can't do is to change his actions- HE needs to change his actions and no amount of wishing on anybody else's part will make a difference if HE doesn't want to change.

 

Almost everybody will know an addict, an abuser or a generally selfish person who knows how much their behaviour hurts others, but is not prepared to make the changes necessary to stop them hurting themselves or others- it's down to whether the person involved is prepared to make changes themselves.