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Story - Moving Out

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Here's a story I've written.

 

Moving out

 

All comments and suggestions are very welcome.

Edited by Ron Blanco

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A really engrossing and professional piece - I wouldn't change any of it. I really enjoyed reading that, especially the back story of his childhood.

 

Lady A

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I agree with Lady Agatha - it's a good piece to read, and seems well-sorted in mechanical terms. Terry's speech has a nicely understated quality to it which - from my relatively limited experience - rings true of the sort of character you're describing. Though this occured to me on the second reading: he's exceptionally articulate, in writing, for someone who can't get his thoughts to settle. I wonder if some device is required to explain this, or perhaps it's better left unsaid. You can't 'ghost write' for him, because the access to his thoughts and feelings would be different...

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Thanks for your comments Lady A and DB. All taken on board.

 

DB, your particular observation is a very interesting one. It's something I considered, but have not adequately addressed, perhaps.

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A real nice piece there Ron. I was engrossed from the start.

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Hi Ron,

 

this is beautifully written- in my opinion at least :) ''my thoughts simply meander aimlessly, rebounding off dead-ends.'' Such a true observation and so well put.

 

It becomes quickly obvious where Terry is, yet from his use of language and possibly because of his skills it's not obvious how he got there. This is what makes it so sad and sinister at the same time.

 

G

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Thanks Jeff and Geza. Much appreciated.

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Nice one Ron, a really good read. :thumbsup:

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Thanks for your encouragement, Coyleys. You've been quiet recently! :wave:

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Coyleys. You've been quiet recently! :wave:

 

Sorry Ron, I have not deserted the group, it’s just I have been really, really busy lately. It’s annoying when you have loads of ideas for short stories rattling round the old grey matter and no time to write.

Hopefully, with the night’s drawing in, I should get time to dot a few tees and cross a few eyes – whatever :confused:.

Have I missed any good gossip?

I’ll catch up soon.

P.S. I'm still waiting for that story and if any of the group wishes to contribute I’ll let you fill them in.

Edited by coyleys
P,S.

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I enjoyed this piece a lot. The simmering emotion starts slowly and builds until the impact left me wondering what hit me. Very well done.

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Thanks for reading, Kittipaws, and I appreciate your comments.

 

Coyleys, welcome back. As for gossip, well, we have been running a monthly competition since January. It's only 500 words, though, which may seem mean to a raconteur such as yourself. This month's theme is horror. :twisted:

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