The dreaded haircut

[old tup 30]

In my mispent youth I never saw the inside of a barbers until my early teens due to my tightarsed father.After a time although I kept out of dear old dads sight the cry went up[Comehere you bigheaded little bleeder ].I was plonked in a chair and out came the dreaded shears[Can you do a Tony Curtis Dad][Ar areet son].He then shaved every hair off my head apart from a tiny fringe at the front of my skull.I just looked like a refugee child;I commenced to rueer like a banshee while our old boy peed hisen laughing.Next day out came the balaclava for school;On the staircase at school on every set was an older boy prefect,as soon as they spotted my snip they shouted to each other as I ascended to each level I recieved a sharp skutch which made a loud satisfying crack which pleased everone except me.By the time I reached class my head was throbbing nicely;Its a wonder I didnt get brain damage!

[okismoki 10]

I think we all remember the back to school haircut........your mum would get you with the immortal line"Just going to trim it",usually the day before you went back to school after your holidays........I used to hope she would do mine just after breaking up,so it had time to grow.

She once cut mine so badly(the sides looked like sumat from Blackadder the first,the fringe like Dave Hill from Slade) that I begged my Father to give me the skinhead......this was 72,so you can imagine the stick I got at school the first day back,all the other lads with the "straggle",me looking like a skinned peanut........Now,the same kind of haircuts are costing fortunes and called "Asymetric",being greeted with wonderment,instead of ridicule........

[poppins 10]

Don't remember having my hair cut for years, my hair was always long in plaits, my Mom would plait it so fast for school in a morning I always had one thin plait and one fat one, never got a straight part

[flyer 10]

Fullwood Homes they would shave your head all but a little spade in front said that was for a parting,never understood why on runaway we was often spoted quick(sometimes)with little spade and herringbone suit?? we must have stood out like sore thumb

[flyer 10]

I think we all remember the back to school haircut........your mum would get you with the immortal line"Just going to trim it",usually the day before you went back to school after your holidays........I used to hope she would do mine just after breaking up,so it had time to grow.

She once cut mine so badly(the sides looked like sumat from Blackadder the first,the fringe like Dave Hill from Slade) that I begged my Father to give me the skinhead......this was 72,so you can imagine the stick I got at school the first day back,all the other lads with the "straggle",me looking like a skinned peanut........Now,the same kind of haircuts are costing fortunes and called "Asymetric",being greeted with wonderment,instead of ridicule........

 

mind you that was in the day of the dreaded nits:hihi:

[Bushbaby 11]

“Stephen, I think you need a haircut”

These words sent a cold shiver down my spine. I hated getting a haircut for a number of reasons, but mostly because the barber’s shop was a torture chamber. Growing up on Wordsworth, my local barber was Varney on Buchanan Rd, a place to be avoided at all costs

“I don’t mum. Skoyl sez we can ave it a bit longer naah cuss o’t beatles”

 

The first issue was queuing. ….

The bell rang as I opened the door, and eight faces turned as one to stare.

“Sit dahn thee-er Bushy an don’t mek no noise or ah’ll githee a clip”

 

Varney’s attitude was that kids went to the back of the queue, made no noise, and didn’t fidget

I sat there for hours waiting until all the grown ups had been done and it was my turn. When I was nearly at the front a couple of regular guys came in, and I sunk down to the back of the line.

When eventually my turn came, the fun really started. Varney stuck the plank across the chair arms even though I didn’t need it, just to show how insignificant I was, and when I sat on it, I had to bend my neck down to see myself in the mirror.

 

Once in the chair, the man then wrapped a huge army surplus bed sheet, white with three blue stripes down the middle, around my neck and shoulder, effectively pinning my arms to my side so that, if my nose should happen to start itching (what am I saying IF?? It started itching like billie-oh straight away) I had to perform a Jack Douglas type manoeuvre to try and scratch it, resting my elbow on my knee then jerking it upwards so that my hand came in contact with the offending nostril, giving very temporary relief. Varney of course grunted at this and looked at me in the mirror as if I was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

 

“Can you tilt your head forward please?”

 

This was a phrase that they didn’t teach at barbers’ school in those days.

Instead he pumped the chair up with his foot, throwing me off guard. Then he rested his hand on my neck and shoved my head forward in a single jerk, applying a hand -brake so that it came to a stunned stop when it reached the desired position, causing my brain to crash against my forehead. For about the next three minutes my head spun, there were spots before my eyes, and my nose itched like a radio active hot spot. Then, when the mist slowly cleared, I saw in the mirror that the damage had been done.

 

“I said square neck! not short back’n’sides!” Nearly in tears at this point.

“Sorry, I forgot”

 

One of his great skills was that he could cut hair to any given style, as long as it was Short Back’N’Sides.

It didn’t matter what you asked for – “Can I have a trim on top, with the sideburns squared off just below the ear, and the back tapered to a point in the neck please?” – You got the regular short back’n’sides.

When the kids in my class began wearing their hair slightly longer, and everyone wanted to look like Pete Howe, I had a barnet straight from a nineteen forties John Mills film. If someone had pinned a label on my coat and put me on a train, I’d have ended up living in a Welsh farmhouse for three years, with a woman with too many brooms.

 

And of course it didn’t finish with the humiliating haircut. As he was unwrapping the shroud, he recited his famous line

“Would you like cream?”

I quickly screamed

“No! Please! Not the cream. Not – The – Creeamm!!”

- it was already too late. His hands, covered in a thick green slimy shampoo-resistant Palmolive gel, came down on the top of my skull, and plastered my hair into a meringue of mediocrity. As I risked one eye to see the destruction in the mirror, a giant sob welled up in my throat. I knew that for the next week or so, I would look like an absolute numpty. Even the kids from Foxhill would be able to take the mick.

And as it was a few days away from bath night, then the loose hairs on my back and neck gave me itchyjip for sometime to come, making it all in all, a nightmare experience.

 

"Excerpt from "Gee'or Ruwerin" by Steve Bush

[okismoki 10]

Yeh,that was Varney for you.....until our old fella dropped me in one day,he put his bet on,called into the Cross for a pint,then called back for me......"ANT THA BEEN F*****G SEEN TO YET?" was his words as he spied me STILL sat there,on dropping me there was 2 in front of me,but Varney,as Bushy said,did the adults who had come in,rather than the kids.....Varney goes"Sorry Ray,I thought he had come in with one of these lads",pointing to the 3 or 4 adults sat there....needless to say,I got seen to pretty quick.

[SILLY 10]

Don't remember having my hair cut for years, my hair was always long in plaits, my Mom would plait it so fast for school in a morning I always had one thin plait and one fat one, never got a straight part

 

I always had long hair in plaits as well and the nit nurse used to just undo one and pass you the ribbon to do it back up yourself. I then had one plait stuck out of the side as I had to pull it round to see what I was doing.

[crookesey 635]

Fullwood Homes they would shave your head all but a little spade in front said that was for a parting,never understood why on runaway we was often spoted quick(sometimes)with little spade and herringbone suit?? we must have stood out like sore thumb

 

Flyer, did you know Reg Layberry and his elder sister, who was I believe, a house mother. Reg will be around 83 now so your paths might not have crossed.

[poppins 10]

I always had long hair in plaits as well and the nit nurse used to just undo one and pass you the ribbon to do it back up yourself. I then had one plait stuck out of the side as I had to pull it round to see what I was doing.

 

Never had to go to a nit nurse, my Gran you to click my nits

[Alien52 10]

I remember wondering what the yellow sign that said "Durex" was all about.

[badwolf 10]

I remember plucking up the courage to ask for "something for the weekend". The barber lent me his fishing tackle!!!