Interests for shy people

[ridofme 10]

Originally posted by goldenfleece

Is conversation a worry? I dont get this....why would anyone NOT want to be sociable and chat to people and socially network?

 

I'm similar to the original poster, it's not that I don't want to be sociable, I would love to be, but it's just something that happens I guess, some people become introverted, some people don't...

[goldenfleece 11]

Originally posted by ridofme

I'm similar to the original poster, it's not that I don't want to be sociable, I would love to be, but it's just something that happens I guess, some people become introverted, some people don't...

 

That is a contradiction in terms really. If you want to be more sociable and meet new people its not a problem. You have to unlearn some 'learned' behaviour patterns. Its no good wanting to do something and not being able to do it. There are some very successful ways of overcoming this.

[Jamie 10]

I think a lot of people who are shy, would very much love to be more sociable and really do want to connect and interact with people (and would enjoy it very much) and they'd totally love to be accepted and liked by other people.

 

A shy person is withdrawn into themself, their focus is inside their own head, thinking (worrying) about their own insecurities, or why other people won't like them.

 

A lot of what goes on inside a shy persons head is speculation or anticipation. Thinking or feeling that other people are judging them and thinking such things as 'oh my god, he is shy, what a freak'. This in turn makes the shy person more anxious, and other people will actually start to think they're odd, which in turn makes the shy person more anxious, it's a negative feedback loop.

 

So even though it's what shy people really want, being sociable and meeting new people is a problem for them, because it can trigger off so much of anxiety.

 

However, if they want to overcome their shyness, they have to put themselves in situations that trigger their anxiety, because in the long term, they will benefit. No matter what other people think, it's just not important what anyone else thinks. The only thing to remember is that if you constantly expose yourself to what you fear, in the long term, *you* will grow and overcome it.

 

So if you're shy, DO NOT JUST GO TO THE CINEMA!!! Well, you can of course, if that's what you want, but do also consider the long term benefits of exposing yourself to what you fear, and think of it like driving a car, you want to be in the right gear for where you are (start of in 1st, not 5th).

 

Rant over, hope I didn't get too carried away.

[goldenfleece 11]

Originally posted by Jamie

I think a lot of people who are shy, would very much love to be more sociable and really do want to connect and interact with people (and would enjoy it very much) and they'd totally love to be accepted and liked by other people.

 

A shy person is withdrawn into themself, their focus is inside their own head, thinking (worrying) about their own insecurities, or why other people won't like them.

 

A lot of what goes on inside a shy persons head is speculation or anticipation. Thinking or feeling that other people are judging them and thinking such things as 'oh my god, he is shy, what a freak'. This in turn makes the shy person more anxious, and other people will actually start to think they're odd, which in turn makes the shy person more anxious, it's a negative feedback loop.

 

So even though it's what shy people really want, being sociable and meeting new people is a problem for them, because it can trigger off so much of anxiety.

 

However, if they want to overcome their shyness, they have to put themselves in situations that trigger their anxiety, because in the long term, they will benefit. No matter what other people think, it's just not important what anyone else thinks. The only thing to remember is that if you constantly expose yourself to what you fear, in the long term, *you* will grow and overcome it.

 

So if you're shy, DO NOT JUST GO TO THE CINEMA!!! Well, you can of course, if that's what you want, but do also consider the long term benefits of exposing yourself to what you fear, and think of it like driving a car, you want to be in the right gear for where you are (start of in 1st, not 5th).

 

Rant over, hope I didn't get too carried away.

 

TOTALLY agree Jamie. The pattern of 'looped' or 'learned' behaviour' needs to be broken. This can really only be done with a deep-end approach, ie dont think about it but DO IT.

 

Its the same principle as chatting people up, so many are scared or nervous of being rejected or laughed at, which just makes the whole behaviour pattern get worse and worse. We are only afraid of our own mind and its imaginings and NOT reality. Dont think.....just go and talk to complete strangers and worry not about anything except that the more people you network with, the more networking opportunities will come forth from those networks, if you see what i mean.

 

The best technique to to take someone out with you who is utterly self-confident and watch them do it. They wont succeed all the time, half the fun of everything is actually FAILING, because every step is a learning point on the ladder to total self confidence. You have to fail to succeed! Then, its in at the deep end, and just go and talk to people casually, the best tactic is SITUATIONAL CONVERSATION As opposed to any learned 'lines'. Every person you see in any place will be a slightly different 'situation', and to be able to take data from that situation and turn it into casual conversation is an art you can only get better and better at.

 

What so many people do who are 'shy' is try to force conversation at this point, which can only ever fail. You need to be cool, self-assured, but not overly arragant, and pick up on the situational status of any likely new 'friend' or casual potentia social networking opportunity, and turn it into conversation.

 

ACtually you CAN network at the cinema, but its a bit more tricky. If you go by yourself to the movies you will most iften than not see couples or groups of friends, but not many single people, so it feels a bit intimidating if you are naturally shy and wanting to come out of your shell. But STRAIGHT away you have something in common with ALL of those people in ODeon screen 10, or whatever it is....you are ALL there watching the same film. At the end when everyone wanders out and downstairs, everyone is talking about the film (usually). All the work has been done for you in terms of knowing the immediate SITUATIONAL status of potential networking opportunities. It is relatively easy then to make a bold step and break into a GROUPS conversation and HOLD their attention (all of them) for as long as you wish, and even continue the conversation in the pub with them afterwards...and beyond. Ask me if you want to know more.