My heart is broken!

[richabk 10]

Dear Forum, I read your message. Though there is nothing anyone can do about this..not me ,not you..I'm definitely there to listen..

I loved the line..''too beautiful for the earth''...yes Indeed!! What else can be reasnable enough to explain the loss of someone so tiny and innocent.

I feel for you. I am sure that you'll have better days. I wish you the best !!

[scoop 10]

Wondertec, i had almost the same experience as you nine years ago

(though it feels like yesterday, can't believe how quickly time goes by).

 

We'd been trying for a baby for a year, to say I was devestated is an understatement!

 

By the time of my first baby's due date I was 5 months pregnant with scoop jr, but I still cried my eyes out all day for the baby I'd lost.

 

Just go with the flow and let the grieving process take it's course, it will get easier in time, though I admit I still think about my first baby often and feel it's loss.

 

Don't worry about other peoples reactions, they don't know what to say or how te react, so make a mess of it. We've all done it!

[medusa 16]

To add to my original post, I would just like to add that there have been a number of times in my life that I have thought that my heart was truly broken and would never stop hurting, but with time it has proven not to be true.

 

It is called heartache for a reason though; the physical pain in my chest was quite astonishing.

 

Although they're painful, it's important to let the emotions happen because if you don't let them out now they will come out without your permission at a later date. Lighter moments are important though, so don't feel guilty if it's natural to smile at something.

 

I wouldn't rush back to work either. Rushing back before you're ready would seem to be a recipe for falling apart whilst at work and needing more time off to me.

[wondertec 10]

To add to my original post, I would just like to add that there have been a number of times in my life that I have thought that my heart was truly broken and would never stop hurting, but with time it has proven not to be true.

 

It is called heartache for a reason though; the physical pain in my chest was quite astonishing.

 

Although they're painful, it's important to let the emotions happen because if you don't let them out now they will come out without your permission at a later date. Lighter moments are important though, so don't feel guilty if it's natural to smile at something.

 

I wouldn't rush back to work either. Rushing back before you're ready would seem to be a recipe for falling apart whilst at work and needing more time off to me.

 

 

That's what i'm scared off, i know that i will fall apart at work, i work at a children's nursery and am dreading it, i have a pregnant work colleague and am not sure i'll handle seeing her at all....there are lots of new and pregnant mums....with my history of depression i'm thinking that if i take the time now and deal with it properly or as best as i can, will stand me in decent stead for it not smacking in face a few months etc down the line...

[purple.sarah 10]

Honestly, I would say don't go back to work yet, especially in a nursery. Your health is more valuable than money. I honestly could not have coped with that, I was off work for about 2 months, I was so shattered. I know it's different for everyone but just know it's normal not to be able to think about work right now. Don't force yourself into anything, listen to your feelings.

[GoGo_dancer 10]

Hi there

 

I went through exactly the same thing early last year, a scan at 10 weeks showed no heartbeat (it was my 2nd m/c). I was stuck in no-where land for 2 weeks while they did more bloods and tests just in case the dates were wrong and in the end I ended up taking the tablets to induce a miscarriage instead of the D&C, it was truly awful and I felt completely numb throughout. It used to hit me in waves for months afterwards, I'd have good days and bad but eventually we got through it. I still think about it everyday though, especially as we've still not been able to concieve again.

You'll probably feel bitter and angry about other people's pregnancies and sometimes you'll wonder why nobody cares, it's all perfectly normal! Just do what feels best for you, talk, cry, scream if you want!

And when you feel like your friends have all stopped listening, come on here and someone will always offer you a kind word of support.

[wondertec 10]

Thanks GoGo, i'm dreading other pregnancies, i don't want to feel bitter, it's not their fault but i can't help it.

I'm thinking about tomorrow and what will happen etc....i feel sick.

[GoGo_dancer 10]

I'd wish you good luck but that would be a silly thing to say!

 

As for other people being pregnant, if you're honest with people as to why you might distance yourself from them then they should understand.

My best friend recently found out she was expecting her second (unplanned) and despite us being close it hit me hard, but she gave me space and now I just get on with it! Some days when she's moaning about feeling ill then I back off but overall I'm pleased for her and looking forward to having a cuddle when the baby arrives!

You do get the odd one though where you still want to slap them, especially if you don't like the person in question!!

[medusa 16]

My only experience of motherhood was a miscarriage and I've since lost my ability to have babies because of cancer and the treatment for it, so believe me, I understand how hard you're finding even the concept of that.

 

My sister found out that she was expecting my niece (after a number of miscarriages) 4 weeks after my eventual hysterectomy, and before that point we were both at the point of not being able to walk down the nappy aisle in the supermarket or share the room with small children. I booked myself in for a very big course of counselling in order to be able to share in as much of the joy as possible and thankfully my sister truly understood that even though I could appreciate that this was good news for her, it was truly devastating for me.

 

I still find it really hard to be around babies at some points, even though lots of people have gone out of their way to share their babies with me (my speciality subject is singing babies to sleep whilst babysitting), but after lots of counselling I came to the decision that in my life I have a choice between taking the road which is initially easy for me (which is to walk away, not have anything to do with babies, pregnancies etc) but which would ultimately push a wedge between me and all of my family or friends who are having beautiful children, or putting all of my feelings into a box, sitting on the lid and getting on with sharing in the love and the lives of these little people when their parents are going out of their way to share their experiences with me.

 

It's not an easy choice, and I have days when I just can't do it, but I have a beautiful relationship with my niece and nephew (who are now 7 and 3) that my life would truly be less bright without.

 

It's been a long time for me, but typing this post has made the tears flow

 

I hope that your tears are temporary

 

(Oh- and try to stay away from people who are having a whinge about 'who'd have children, eh? they're nothing but trouble' etc etc. My experience has shown that it causes offence when you lose your rag with them for complaining about the most precious thing in the world)

[wondertec 10]

Thanks Guys, it really means a lot that you are all here.x.

 

I've been back for my re-scan today, even though we were expecting it to hear it, it was still hard, there is no change in baby's size and still no heartbeat and the nurses saw lots of bleeding around the sac

Am booked in tomorrow for surgery (for me it feels the right option), never had a general anaesthetic so am bricking that but at least i know i will have a date for when baby left me and my body will be clear and infection free for when we start to try again.

 

Plus i kind of just want this to end, it's dragged on all week, heart pounding everytime i visit the loo incase i see a big clot that i think is my baby....just want an end point and so i can start to grieve and start the 'moving on' process

 

I'm not sure if some parts of that sounded harsh but i just want a 'end point' ....

[Clik32 10]

Thinking of you xx

[GoGo_dancer 10]

Hi Wondertec

 

If I knew then what I knew now, I'd have gone for the D&C aswell so I think you're making the right choice. The medicated option was just too horrendous for words.

The nurses in the wards are lovely and will put you at ease and really look after you.

 

I hope everything goes well tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you.x