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Another untitled.

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the mountaintops beneath our feet.

our shoulders under a sky so heavy with light

the stars draped our hair.

we caught catappillars

kept them in our palms till they bloomed into butterflies.

we leapt head first into an ocean of sea and sand

skinny dipped with mermaids and starfish.

stingrays watched, sea horses stared.

"the heart is emmernse" you said then, "larger than

any degree or diploma. uniforms and job descriptions

should never be the entirity of you. dreams should run

deeper. this endless cycle of ammassing and losing

possessions and positions. the breaths that fill your

life should amount to more than just just the attainment

and consequent defeacation of bread."

bubbles broke from our nose and lips.

when the stillness in my lungs became too much to bare

you pried open your ribs and let me lay inthe warmth

of your chest. i grabbed your heart so tightly

that it bulged between my fingers.

you molded you lips on mine.

i swallowed your breath and drifted ashore...

i break the surface before the last of your footprints fade from sand.

i plant my feet in them.

and here, now, i hold your grandson in my hand.

i touch his hand with my face

and feel your warm embrace in his fingertips.

i follow the lines on his palms back to you.

he opens his mouth. meaningless noises escape him.

i know i don't understand him because

he still speaks half native half god.

not sure how to finish it.

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I really enjoyed this K. Very powerful in places.

 

Good luck with finishing it. If you want suggestions, mine would be to finish with a reference to mountaintops rising above the grandson (in contrast to the first line).

Edited by Ron Blanco

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good idea ron. will put up the revised piece soon. thanks for the advice, as always ever wise.

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new version of 'cycles.'

 

With you, in an ocean of sea and sand, I skinny dipped with mermaids and starfish. Stingrays watched, sea horses stared as bubbles broke from my nose and lips.

Even the vacuum in my chest would not push me to air.

You reached deep into the murk as my castles began to crumble.

You concrete-kissed them back together. You pried open your ribs

And laid me in the warmth of your chest. I grabbed your heart so tightly

That it bulged between my fingers. You put my hand in yours

And we held life together. when the stillness in my lungs became too much to bare

You moulded your lips on mine. I swallowed your breath and drifted ashore...

Broke the surface just before the last of your footprints faded from sand.

I planted my feet in them. Found the mountaintops beneath our feet

And our shoulders under a sky so heavy with light the stars draped our hair.

We gathered acorns. We buried them beneath our feet.

Then watched great oaks form between our toes.

We caught caterpillars, kept them in our fists till they burst into butterflies.

And now, I touch your grandchild’s hand with my face

I feel your warm embrace in his fingertips.

I follow the lines on his palms back to you.

Flesh of your flesh, blood of my blood.

He’s still so young he speaks half native half god.

But in his garbled words I hear you say

"The heart is immense, larger than any degree or diploma.

Uniforms and job descriptions should never be the entirety of you.

Dreams should run deeper than this endless attainment and losing

of possessions and positions. The breaths that fill your life

Should amount to more than just the eating and consequent defecation of bread."

So I put my hand in his and braid our fingers.

We grasp life together and dive head first into a sea of ocean and sand.

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Yeah, I liked the first draft but the revision is much much better - the monologue at the end works a lot better there. Like the imagery. Like the 'half native half god' line.

 

I wonder if you might break it up into verses though? And the first line is very long - could that be broken into more than one line?

 

PS: On a slightly different note, I gotta plug my poetry exhibition which is on The Moor in Sheffield at the moment. If you could 'Like' the facebook link in my signature that would be real appreciated.

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