A dilemma with the opposite sex - GENUINE advice welcome.

[BruciesBabe 10]

I'm glad to hear that you have gone back to the drama group sid, sorry it hasn't got any easier though.

 

As for advice, from a girls point of view (and trying to remember back 11 yrs to when I was 17), I would not appreciate someone who I didn't like or felt uncomfortable around, for whatever reason, coming to ask me why I felt the way I did. It would make me more uncomfy.

 

If you are intent on finding out why she doesn't like you, then I think asking her in front of other people is a good idea as she wouldn't feel as threatened.

 

Sid, you say that other women have responded in a similar way to you in the past, you need to address the reasons why this is continuing to happen, otherwise you are going to be going through this dilema on a regular basis.

 

Good luck.

[Sidla 10]

To be brutally honest, I wouldn't ask her why she doesn't like you because you might not like what she has to say.

[PerlOfWisdom 10]

Someone I once worked with was once asked by a woman "you don't like me do you?". He replied "there's a lot of people I don't like - don't worry about it".

[Joey 10]

Sid, I haven't had time to read through all the posts on here, so I apologise if I'm repeating what has already been said.

 

The fact that this girl is acting in this way suggests to me that there is something in your manner that makes her feel threatened or uncomfortable. I wonder if it is because you are trying too hard to be liked. Have you got any female friends at all that would be brutally honest with you? If so, it may be an idea to ask if your approach could perhaps be seen as a bit "creepy", (for want of a better expression).

 

Maybe you are just trying too hard, need to relax and just be yourself. Even then, not everyone is going to like you, but you'd be unusual if they did!

 

When you are enthusiastic about something, as you seem to be about this event/ club, it automatically attracts people.

 

Enjoy!

[SupraSteve 10]

Originally posted by liencam

My suggestion was more to do with any complaints the girl might raise after Sid has spoken to her. I don't for one minute expect it to get out of hand!!

 

That's part of what I meant by it getting out of hand.

[Jamie 10]

Hi Sid,

 

I would defo *NOT* approach her, or ask her why she doesn't like you, you'd just be adding fuel to the fire. Be more indirect about it.

 

You could approach another member of the production, and confide in them. Ask for their advice / help.

 

Also, you may want to consider, why do you need her to like you? Be honest with yourself about this, and get to the bottom of it.

 

I don't know your situation sid, but perhaps, it's your need to be liked by her, that is freaking her out?

 

Just relax, be natural, and honest with yourself, and confide in the appropriate person (someone who you like, and who seems sympathetic to your cause).

 

Again, relax, relax, and relax some more and certainly stop trying so hard, because with some things, the harder you try, the worse off you are!

 

Good luck

[medusa 16]

If it's any consolation Sid, there are plenty of women (myself included) who find the idea of being pawed and kissed and made to sit on the knee of a bloke who I know to have a girlfriend utterly repulsive. He may have more obvious succees in the gf stakes, but please don't take him as a role model in this instance.

 

Neither of them sound very nice to me, and there are lots of people in this world who I choose not to be around because I don't find them pleasurable to be in the company of. What I don't do is spend loads of time worrying about why I don't like them or they don't like me. That wastes loads of perfectly good 'having a good time' time.

 

It's OK for them not to like you. You don't need to know about, understand or appreciate why. Do new things, meet new people, make new friends. For every 100 people you meet maybe only 5 will click with you, but by putting yourseld through this all you are doing is squashing your spirit bit by bit, stopping you from meeting new people and making new friends.

 

There are millions of people in this country, at least half of which, I reckon, would find me tiresome/boring/whatever. If I spent my life worrying about them I'd never get to meet the rest. Put yourself first and stop worrying about the impression you create.

[Pipine 10]

Not sure if this is a big wind up or not but for what its worth....

 

Get a life.. if you get out more, see more people, do more stuff, enjoy life and stop fixating over what is essentially a tiny insignificant fleeting moment, a molehill sized thing that you are making a massive mountain out of you'll be a whole lot happier.

 

When your life is full of interesting stuff this kind of thing will mean nothing to you.. you won't even notice her.. there are lots of people out there who will like you so don't waste a second of your time on people who obviously don't.

 

Go to a forum meet and meet some nice people.. leave this girl alone you're obviously freaking her out.. and stop toturing yourself with pointless, obsessive thoughts.

 

Stop obsessing and get out and enjoy life! :clap:

[uniB 10]

Blimey, I've just been on an 11 page journey through this thread, wasn't going to comment 'til I got to your idea about approaching this girl and asking here why she doesn't like you...

 

This sounds like a very very bad idea to me, as a few other folks have said - it could well make for a bad atmosphere (at least). I obviously don't know anything about this girl but I could imagine you're not going to like what she says and it's going to make the situation worse.

 

I know of people who aren't that bothered for me - so-what, lots of people think I'm cool and they're the people that matter, the one's that don't like me much - that's their loss not mine!

 

It's all extremely odd that a 30 something bloke would give a toss what a 17 year old girl thought about you, particularly to this extent.

 

I was wondering - do you get on well with other people in the group? Do any males seem to take a dislike to you or is it just females?

 

Just try and be a bit positive with the rest of the people there, try and be intresting, try and entertain people - if other people think your a decent kind of person who are there this girl will be in a minority on 1 and she'll look a fool.

 

If you go through life being all doom and gloom people ain't going to want to be around you, male of female, friends or girlfriends.

[Tubthump 10]

Slimsid:

 

You really need to take ecstacy, everything will look after itself after that.

[goldenfleece 11]

..the secret of getting girls to talk to you is simple...

 

be yourself,be honest,make them laugh,and dont ask to much of them,they are out to enjoy themselves as im sure you are so join in,you dont have to score first night,but the next night they remember you and im sure they will acknowledge you,thats a start,build it up from there.

unless you have three heads i cant see why you are having problems, dont mutter,dont grope and dont be on a perminant downer,just join in...........good luck

 

god i wish i was young again......its the best time of your life,enjoy it dont go chasing rainbows,take it as it comes.............. [/b]

 

 

I am reluctant to agree with that advice as it really doesn't work. BE YOURSELF is not the best way to play this. Because the simple fact is that if YOURSELF, in the norm, is not able to cope with such social situations as described, then changes need to be made. Yes I know BE YOURSELF sounds really good idea, but think about it for a minute....if you are too shy to talk to girls, and always sit about in the background, or find everything makes you want to withdraw socially, then BEING YOURSELF is the wrong approach.

 

Now its relatively easy to completely re-map your behaviour and attitudes in situations like this. You can take a number of different steps here. I used to be in a similar situation many years ago and was very shy of girls and meeting people, and it was causing me to be excessively miserable and depressed, so much so that I was withdrawing further from social activities to the point where it was causing physical panic and anxiety. Now then you know its time to deal with it, once and for all.

 

The basic problem you have here is you are letting other people control your life. You are specifically letting the opposite sex control your life by giving them totol control over you. If you are too shy to talk to them or have nothing to say, THEY have all the power over you. This needs to be REVERSED so that YOU have all the power.

 

Now there are 100's of dodgy websites and E-books telling you many different ways on how to do this, but most of them are all the same and rip-off each others insane woffle. You dont want to start doing that because it can become very addictive, and get you nowhere.

 

How I dealt with this was simple. The whole thing about POWER and CONTROL over social situations is about UNLEARNING your current behaviour and re-mapping your power over social situations and specifically the opposite sex.

 

Now I learned the hard way and its STILL the best way. One of my friends at the time back in the 80's was the total opposite of me, could pick up ANY girl anywhere, had numerous girlfriends running all the same time. You dont want to go that extreme but I learned, simply by observation, the sort of guy girls tend to go for by watching him at 'work'. The answer is to ozze total self confidence by the bucketload, and never to give the woman the POWER that she has at the moment. That is, if you chat up a girl and she rebuffs you, that is her loss, not yours, this is NOT a rejection but valuable experience in failure, which you must have before you can actually understand and accept success.

 

My friend made me go out and picked out random girls in the street, in bars, in clubs and told me to just go and talk to them about anything without trying to pick them up. ANYTHING! Talk for 1 minute and then end the conversation and move away. I did this, the first time was PAINFUL but it gradually made me realize that women do not have POWER that men usually assign to them....that standing around with no courage looking nervous and unable to talk to them makes them just about as uninterested in you as you can possibly get....

 

Its about relearning confidence through experience.....I can help you a lot more..thats the HARD way, straight in at the deep end and by the end of the night I had randomly chatted to over 45 girls and felt great. The next time I went out I got a date, simply because I had built up the confidence and believed that I was now in CONTROL of my social situations.

 

I have helped a few others in the 'field' shall we say by taking them out and showing how easy it is to actually talk to ANYONE, with the greatest of ease, and that there is NOTHING to fear from talking to women because, if you get what is known as the connection gaze, (see below), they WANT you to talk to them.

 

CONNECTION GAZE:

This makes it even easier because if you get this right, you are home and dry. Catch ANY womans eye and try and hold her gaze for 3 seconds or more, with a slight raising of the eyebrows, ie questioning permission to approahc and engage in chat. If she turns away before 3 seconds is up, she is not interested in your 'advance' and has rejected you, so to actually then approach and talk is virtually doomed to fail unless you are a real Master in this area. If the women holds your connecting gaze for 3 seconds or more, and THEN turns her head away or looks sideways or down, then SHE is inviting you to approach her in this complex form of body language messaging. Better still if she looks back and holds your connecting gaze for a further 3 seconds, you MUST approach and engage chat mode. It never fails. You might only get 1 women out of 10 who returns the gaze, but its so much easier then to work out possibly the TYPE of woman that seems to go for you in the physical sense, rather than stumble about making unwanted unvances. This works in the street, in bars, clubs, buses ANYWHERE......

 

Now if you want to see this in action, happy to demonstrate. I can go out and talk to anyone, either without the connection gaze or with, depending on the outcome I am seeking. It is so easy its like breathing, you just have to learn it and absorb it into your psyche.

 

Remember ONE thing if nothing else....oh read the next post, run out of room

[goldenfleece 11]

If you're going to meet a woman, you have to know how to start a conversation with her. There's just no way around it. You must engage her in some manner, and the easiest (and most accepted) way is to talk to her.But this is where most men choke.

Have you ever been in a situation where you saw a really beautiful woman that you wanted to meet, and then suddenly your brain took a vacation and you simply COULD NOT THINK OF A SINGLE THING TO SAY??? And then, before you know it, the moment has passed, the opportunity is gone, and the woman you wanted to meet is now gone

forever!

 

Or worse yet...You ARE able to think of something to say to her, but the conversation quickly fizzles out and the girl moves on, leaving you feeling like you've blown your chance!

 

Being able to quickly engage a woman in a conversation DRAMATICALLY increases your ability to get them on a date!

See, when you have a conversation with another person, you're not just simply TALKING to them. What you're doing is creating rapport and comfort with that person, which are the necessary building blocks of HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Without rapport and comfort, there is no way you can get a girl to give you a serious commitment to see you again.

 

Now, I know that there are some blokes out there who would rather take a swift kick to the teeth than talk to a girl. But that's because they simply don't know what to say to a woman to get aconversation started with them!

 

WHat you say is irrelevant and should be spontaneous but not CHEESEY, for the opener is a line you can use to start a conversation with awoman that has the ability to lead into a larger conversation and more interaction with her. It's the catalyst of every interactionyou'll have with a girl.

 

I want you to understand that your lack of confidence comes from your current BELIEF SYSTEM.If you get nervous around women, or rehearse failure or bad things in your mind, it's because you've TRAINED YOURSELF to believe that

way.The real trick in fixing this and helping to RE-TRAIN yourself tofeel good feelings and be confident is self-examination.

You have to take a good, hard look at who you are and what youbelieve. Otherwise, you will just keep doing what you've alwaysdone!

 

 

Sit down and think about the problem

you have.

"I get scared when I see a woman I like and can't talk to them."

Then, analyze your statement and ask:"Why do I feel that way?". So let's say you get scared because you think the girl is going to laugh in your face or just ignore you. Then ask yourself:

 

"Why do I believe that?"

 

Serioiusly it all comes down the way we think and feel about ourselves, and the rediculous way of lot of men give UNLIMITED POWER to women, in that we are all terrified to approach and chat them up. REALITY is th total reverse. Women WANT to be appraoched by confident, happy guys, and not to have guys not metring their opening gazes, not responding to their body language, etc etc.

 

This is putting it very basically, but if you need assistance, the best thing anyone can do is to take you out into the field and show you how its done. And take it from me, meeting all the women you want to is EASY. Really, it is. Its just your mind and lack of self confidence telling you otherwise. BEAT IT, don't let your learned behaviours ruin your life....

 

We are here only once, there is no reason why you should not have successful relationships and social groups, because we humans are very much social creatures, and to be afraid or nervous of the opposite sex is counter-productive to common sense and everybodys future! Do not put women on a pedestal and give them so much power over you......because that is what most men do, and its so easy to see by watching others.