Beginning of my first novel. All advice appreciated!!

[Ron Blanco 10]

Hi Shaz.

 

Very good show for posting your chapters. I knew you’d get some feedback eventually!

 

I’ve never written a novel, so I can’t comment on SK’s advice on how to write one. But I have read some novels, so I will give you my comments from an individual reader’s perspective.

 

Unfortunately, this individual reader doesn’t like fantasy fiction, so when I came across names like Kaen, Jika and Seia, I have to admit I groaned. But then I said to myself: “Shaz has taken the trouble to read my story, so I will persevere.” And I did persevere. And eventually after reading it three times it grew on me, and I thought to myself: “maybe there is something in this fantasy malarkey after all.” So, it is possible that I am now converted, and that Shaz112 has succeeded, where Terry Pratchett has failed. In some ways your story reminded of the book ‘Let the Right One In’, which became a successful film, so maybe ‘An Angel to Watch over Me’ will also top the box office ratings at some time in the future.

 

Starting with the narrative, I thought it was good in places, but a bit patchy in others. I really liked ‘people coated the pavement’, ‘damming the river of grief’ and the paragraph with the rickety bus. All great stuff. But some phrases seemed unnecessary e.g. ‘like a confederate at an interracial wedding’, and some just didn’t seem quite right e.g. ‘an aura like a physical blow’. But if SK is right, then you shouldn’t worry about it too much at this stage. On the other hand, these are the chapters you will probably be sending to agents.

 

I noticed one key moment where the pace needs attention. Avery’s first soul-sucking victim seemed to come out of the blue. Personally, I think you need to build more atmosphere and tension before that happens. Presumably that will be the first exciting scene in the film-version, where we are left in no doubt that Avery is a baddie, so maybe it’s worth thinking how a film director might build the tension leading up to it. Perhaps the setting for that scene needs to be a bit more interesting too.

 

Like Sauerkraut, I didn’t get a strong feel for the characters, which may be due to the ‘jumping around’ that was noted. I’m quite happy for characters to build up slowly, and I’m resigned to the fact that novels jump around a lot, but perhaps you could have done more to show (not tell) us what the main characters are like. I think this is one aspect where short stories might help you to hone your skills. For a good example see SK’s story ‘Janet Goes Nuts’ (which, incidentally, I’m surprised didn’t make it into Mantaspook’s top 10!). I think you also need to be careful how you portray Avery’s prejudice against the Chinese take-away owners.

 

You use some traditional fantasy-like words, such as ethereal, life-force and mortal, which help to create a consistent fantasy feel. But what’s with the American words like mom, snicker and dammit? Does Jika go on to kick someone’s butt later on? This would be fine, except elsewhere you use mum and snigger, so I think there’s a US/UK consistency issue there.

 

I loved the overall idea, which I interpreted as a Good v Evil story, so I'm really hoping there are some juicy fights between Avery and Jika later on. I think the plot also gives you a vehicle for imparting your own perspective on the meaning of life, so if you happen to know the meaning of life then here is your chance to pass it on. In any case, I am hooked now and I would definitely like to read the rest.

 

Thanks for posting and good luck with it.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Ron Blanco

[Ron Blanco 10]

Nice to hear from you Sauerkraut, I hope you enjoyed the hibernation.

An interesting comment and I think I get your drift, but could you or anyone else expand on “write their way in to a story”. I assume it means one starts at the beginning and just plows their way through, making the story up as they go. Yes, No?

 

Hi Coyleys,

 

Yes, nice to hear from SK again.

 

When I write a story I try to spend time thinking about plot, characters, settings and structure. But once I've finished a first draft, any or all of those things may change. So in that sense I think there is a balance to be achieved between planning and actually writing.

[Amaranthus 10]

Thank you sauerkraut and Ron Blanco. I understand the points you've both made and I'll take it all in account and use it during the polishing stages. I think I'm just going to concentrate on getting the storyline down and finished, and then I can play around with it to see what needs changing.

 

I know what you mean Ron, about the US/UK inconsistency; that came around because I originally set the story in the US, but then changed it, deciding it would be better to use what I know and to set it in the UK.

 

Sauerkraut - I think you're right about the constant character changing and I'll most likely swap some of the chapters around once I've finished, and make it easier to get into.

 

Thanks guys.

[Ron Blanco 10]

... I’m nowhere near the end yet but I can already see that my first chapter is irrelevant.

 

Sauerkraut, surely we should be the judge of that?

[Sergeant 10]

About to download and read it now. Have written for TV but never a novel so not sure if any critique will be of use to you. Try getting the 'Story Mill' software (about £35.00) it is without doubt the most reasonably priced and comprehensive writing tool I have used. It has multi-level writing aids which will let you track characters, scenes, locations etc. It will also identify repeated text and phrases allow you to add notes whilst constantly checking accuracy of timeline.

 

Good luck

[Becky86 10]

I loved it, I can't offer any feedback because it is far too perfect for me to comment on.

[Amaranthus 10]

I loved it, I can't offer any feedback because it is far too perfect for me to comment on.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Karis 11]

Well, you hate me, so I really wanted to equally loathe this *grins*, but sadly, it was very nicely written indeed.

 

You have a very descriptive style, and for (what I guess) is your first attempt at prose, it really does read very nicely. You have an easy style with some exceptionally descriptive imagery.

 

There's also a sadness to your writing, which is quite charming.

 

I'd ignore other people on the use of wording. No matter what anyone tells you, remember that YOU set the style for your work. Be individual and don't conform if you don't want to.

 

Do stick to US or UK English, though (preferably UK English).

 

Lastly, these chapters are very short for a novel. Are these just the edited parts?

 

Keep writing. Very nice stuff. I don't normally read the lot as it's easy to see someone's style but this was genuinely really nice.

 

See, look how NICE I can be?

 

I bet you don't attack me for 'jumping into this post at the 11th hour"

 

[Amaranthus 10]

Well, you hate me, so I really wanted to equally loathe this *grins*, but sadly, it was very nicely written indeed.

 

Well, actually, if you recall, I kind of waved the white flag by posting (hopefully helpful ) advice for you on your ebay thread the other day. I don't hold grudges.

 

You have a very descriptive style, and for (what I guess) is your first attempt at prose, it really does read very nicely. You have an easy style with some exceptionally descriptive imagery.

 

There's also a sadness to your writing, which is quite charming.

 

I'd ignore other people on the use of wording. No matter what anyone tells you, remember that YOU set the style for your work. Be individual and don't conform if you don't want to.

 

Do stick to US or UK English, though (preferably UK English).

 

Lastly, these chapters are very short for a novel. Are these just the edited parts?

 

Keep writing. Very nice stuff. I don't normally read the lot as it's easy to see someone's style but this was genuinely really nice.

 

See, look how NICE I can be?

 

I bet you don't attack me for 'jumping into this post at the 11th hour"

 

 

Thanks. I know the chapters are quite short. I think I'm going to get the whole story down and then probably merge some chapters together and move some around etc., so I'm not flitting back and forth too much.

[Karis 11]

Arguments and anger are generally a waste of time.

 

I'd like to read more of this