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Syrup's joke thread (part 5)

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George is passing by Ned's farm shed one day

when through a gap in the door he sees Ned doing

a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old

red Massey Ferguson.

 

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette

and gently slides off first the right welly boot,

followed by the left.

 

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a

classic striptease move lets his braces fall down

from his shoulders to dangle by his hips overhis

corduroy trousers .

 

Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips

it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath

and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a

pile of hay.

 

'What on earth are you doing Ned', says George.

 

'Lord tunderin' jeezuss, ye frightened the livin ****

out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ned,

me and the Missus been having some trouble

lately in the bedroom department, and the

Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

 

:hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi: Tha dun't half cheer me up Syrup:D

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heres a couple

 

today I saw a fat girl at the bus stop she was wearing a shirt that said "I love hip hop" the c and the s must have fell off

 

went to the gym today, tried the new machine it made me feel sick, it does kit-kats mars bars and crisps

 

im here all week!!!

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The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

 

It really was a vile inn.

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An Army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one soldier and asks

“What’s your problem, Soldier ?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting ?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition ?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

 

He moves on to the next bed.

“What’s your problem, Soldier ?”

“Chronic piles, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting ?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition ?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man.” says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed.

“What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting ?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition ?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir”

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THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

 

 

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

 

 

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

 

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

 

 

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

 

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

 

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

 

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

 

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

 

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in. 'Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'' Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

 

A Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

 

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

 

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

 

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

 

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

 

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in. 'Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'' Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

 

A Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

 

:hihi::hihi::hihi: Thats a good'un cuz

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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

 

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

 

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

 

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi mi."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

 

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gowd statue of yon dog?"

 

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

 

Yorkshireman: "Now, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft devil!"

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?

 

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.”

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year

old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar

and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

 

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they're shagging?'

 

'My mate Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

 

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

 

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

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