Nah then folks, during the 60s..

[cuttsie 1,089]

so cute, Zakes slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field

Thats what our mams used to shout at kids of a certain age when we left the back door open i can hear it now.Shut bloody door wa tha born in a field or summat!

[zakes 68]

Mum Zakes had gone very early this morning with the local knitting club on a day trip to Wales, and she promised tobring Zakes a bar of taffee back with her. Zakes couldn't remember the name of the town where she'd gone but it was something like, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. This gave Zakes and his dad the chance to have a man to man tete-a-tete under four eyes.

 

Zakes asked his dad why it was he wasn't pulling gorgeous birds, instead of the scabby ones he tended to get lumbered with, making him feel like a failure. Dad Zakes told his youngest and most precious son to try to remember the 5 F's, Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fin__r 'em, F___ 'em, Forget 'em. Zakes gave his dad a misty look, his dad gave a sympathetic smile in return then said, "Son, you are not a failure, failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Dad Zakes continued to explain and foolishly told his son that the only guaranteed way to pull a gorgeous bird is either if you have a boat load of money, or if you possess a twelve incher, or preferably both. Zakes listened intently as his father proceeded by saying "The bad news is, you are working class and you don't have any dosh now, and you will never have any, and your other problem is, you've only got an eleven incher". Hearing this broke Zakes' heart and he burst into tears and was inconsolable, even though his dad tried. With salt filled teardrops rolling down his lovely cheeks the saddened Zakes left the living room slamming the door behind him.

 

Using the left cuff of his pink jacket to wipe his snot ridden snout, the despairing Zakes approached the pond at Frecheville with the sole intention of chucking himsen in. Just at the point of launching himself, Zakes heard a familiar voice calling his name. Zakes turned around to see a lad he knew called Bonehead Ed who had an intelligence quotient smaller than the size of his shoes, and who lived on East Glade Avenue in Hackenthorpe. Bonehead Ed had with him a pal called Nobby The Nobbler who was as much use as a wet fart in a colander that cahn't gerr'aht cusset hoiles, and he abided next door but one to his mate.

The two unwelcome numbskulls reached Zakes, and Bonehead Ed spoke first by saying "Well, well, well". Zakes jokingly responded with ,"What's a well wi'aht a bucket?" Then The Nobbler interjected with an aggressive, "Nuff to drahn thee in!" Zakes felt an underlying tension which made him afeared of these two pillox. Little did they know that when Zakes gets scared he gets dangerous, and comes out feighting.

 

The silence was next disturbed by Nobby The Nobbler when he barked in the direction of Zakes, "That pink jacket thar's gorron, mecks thee look like a puff, where did tha gerrit frum?" Zakes boldly retorted, "Pigs arse, second shelf, that's where ah gorrit frum!" This rocked Gobby Nobby as he glanced over to his pal for back up. Bonehead Ed withdrew a pack of five Park Drive plain fags from the right hand pocket of his brown and yellow checked hipsters, then placed a ciggie between his thick puppet lips and asked Zakes, "Has tha gorra match?". Zakes loudly replied ,"AAH! My arse and thar face!" Then with Templaresque speed, skill and strength Zakes bundled them both into the pond, turned on his heel and scarpered.

 

Nearing home Zakes thought of what his dad had said to him earlier in the day. Suddenly Zakes' face broke into a ten mile wide grin as it dawned upon him that he was only thirteen and there was still plenty of time for him to get a boat load of money when his dad wins on the pools coupon, and also time for him to grow at least one more inch.

[cuttsie 1,089]

Mum Zakes had gone very early this morning with the local knitting club on a day trip to Wales, and she promised tobring Zakes a bar of taffee back with her. Zakes couldn't remember the name of the town where she'd gone but it was something like, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. This gave Zakes and his dad the chance to have a man to man tete-a-tete under four eyes.

 

Zakes asked his dad why it was he wasn't pulling gorgeous birds, instead of the scabby ones he tended to get lumbered with, making him feel like a failure. Dad Zakes told his youngest and most precious son to try to remember the 5 F's, Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fin__r 'em, F___ 'em, Forget 'em. Zakes gave his dad a misty look, his dad gave a sympathetic smile in return then said, "Son, you are not a failure, failure is not falling down, but refusing to get up." Dad Zakes continued to explain and foolishly told his son that the only guaranteed way to pull a gorgeous bird is either if you have a boat load of money, or if you possess a twelve incher, or preferably both. Zakes listened intently as his father proceeded by saying "The bad news is, you are working class and you don't have any dosh now, and you will never have any, and your other problem is, you've only got an eleven incher". Hearing this broke Zakes' heart and he burst into tears and was inconsolable, even though his dad tried. With salt filled teardrops rolling down his lovely cheeks the saddened Zakes left the living room slamming the door behind him.

 

Using the left cuff of his pink jacket to wipe his snot ridden snout, the despairing Zakes approached the pond at Frecheville with the sole intention of chucking himsen in. Just at the point of launching himself, Zakes heard a familiar voice calling his name. Zakes turned around to see a lad he knew called Bonehead Ed who had an intelligence quotient smaller than the size of his shoes, and who lived on East Glade Avenue in Hackenthorpe. Bonehead Ed had with him a pal called Nobby The Nobbler who was as much use as a wet fart in a colander that cahn't gerr'aht cusset hoiles, and he abided next door but one to his mate.

The two unwelcome numbskulls reached Zakes, and Bonehead Ed spoke first by saying "Well, well, well". Zakes jokingly responded with ,"What's a well wi'aht a bucket?" Then The Nobbler interjected with an aggressive, "Nuff to drahn thee in!" Zakes felt an underlying tension which made him afeared of these two pillox. Little did they know that when Zakes gets scared he gets dangerous, and comes out feighting.

 

The silence was next disturbed by Nobby The Nobbler when he barked in the direction of Zakes, "That pink jacket thar's gorron, mecks thee look like a puff, where did tha gerrit frum?" Zakes boldly retorted, "Pigs arse, second shelf, that's where ah gorrit frum!" This rocked Gobby Nobby as he glanced over to his pal for back up. Bonehead Ed withdrew a pack of five Park Drive plain fags from the right hand pocket of his brown and yellow checked hipsters, then placed a ciggie between his thick puppet lips and asked Zakes, "Has tha gorra match?". Zakes loudly replied ,"AAH! My arse and thar face!" Then with Templaresque speed, skill and strength Zakes bundled them both into the pond, turned on his heel and scarpered.

 

Nearing home Zakes thought of what his dad had said to him earlier in the day. Suddenly Zakes' face broke into a ten mile wide grin as it dawned upon him that he was only thirteen and there was still plenty of time for him to get a boat load of money when his dad wins on the pools coupon, and also time for him to grow at least one more inch.

Who needs The News of World, Zakes world gives it a ten break, Cheers!

[denlin 12]

Krasnaya Zvezda, Egdirbmac 5

 

Zakes' mum had gone to Cairncross in Scotland for a few days to visit her ill brother John who was in unhealth, and he was'nt very well either. It was early Sunday morning as Zakes and his dad left the family home on their way to the newsagent shop for fags and papers. Three minutes into their stroll a strange man who Zakes had seen a few times before was coming from the opposite direction and nearing the two. Zakes didn't like the look of the man attired in white Mackintosh and black Trilby hat, and thought he may be a forrin spy. The two adults greeted each other in passing and Zakes distinkly heard his dad say Phil to the other man, and as Zakes passed the man he noticed that he had a copy of Pravda newspaper in his left pocket. When Zakes was again level with his dad, he mentioned that he thought the man Phil by the way was a spy, but Dad Zakes smiled down to his youngest son and said, ''Don't be daft lad, Mr Kimby is an agent for McLean's Toothpaste company, don't let your imagination run away with you''.

A few minutes away from the newspaper shop another man walked by dressed in a similar way to that Mr Kimby, and as this man passed by, Dad Zakes said ''Hello Anthony'' and the man responded with a gruff ''O'reight''. Zakes said that that Anthony man also looked like a spy too, and Dad Zakes told his son that the man was Blunt by name and blunt by nature, but was a nice man. Dad Zakes then def(l)ected the conversation by asking his son what he'd like for his birthday on Tuesday, and Zakes said his wish would be for a pet dog, and his dad said ''We'll see lad''.

On entering the newsagents shop Dad Zakes said a friendly ''Hello, Mr Burgess'' to the man behind the counter who was perusing a copy of the Izvestia newspaper, and Dad Zakes promptly ordered a pack of 20 Sobranie cigarettes, the 'Screws of the World' newspaper, plus a comic and a Caramac bar for his son. On the way home Zakes asked his dad who the guy was in the shop, and Dad Zakes replied that he knew the man from the local pub, and his favourite tipple was a straight double vodka.

The rest of the journey home was tassiturnly silent.

 

57 hours later on Tuesday at 17.00, Zakes and his dad were in Mace's pet shop at the market, and Zakes went to the dog cages and wanted a male dog, and not one of those habitchual ones, and decided on a Borzoi, and before anyone could say Sputnikartificialsatellite, he named it Lev Yashin!

 

:hihi::hihi: Very good Zakes but not sure whether Burgess, McLean or Anthony Blunt came from Sheffield

[zakes 68]

Reply to Denlin.

 

As a young ‘un I had a highly Imaginative Imagination.

You mentioned the 3 spies Burgess, McLean and Blunt, perhaps you didn’t notice that I had included the other 2 spies making up the Cambridge 5 (spelt backwards in the story title), namely John Cairncross and Kim Philby. The mention of Kim Philby is in the line ……’he mentioned that he thought the man Phil by the way was a spy.’

 

Another example is :-…on the way home Zakes asked his dad who the guy was in the shop,…Guy Burgess.

 

P.S. It does seem strange though, that the four men I came across on that sunny morn bore the names of four of the spies!

I enjoy putting hidden things in my storyettes. 2 posts later which was Glass String 1966 I put in the name Jim Carner = Gymkhana. There is more hidden stuff in other posts too.

 

Thanx for reading my stuff, it’s much appreciated.

 

Zakes.

[zakes 68]

Mikado 1967.

 

The ever alert but pentacious Zakes would have to adventure alone by himself for the next two days. Zakes' two pals of the month were in the scouts and had gone away for the weekend to attend a jamboree. Jam is what the qui vive Zakes now had on his three slices of toasted ryeveeta bread as he breakfasted at home on the estate Newstead.

Zakes was hoping his two pathfinding pioneering pals were having a good time at camp learning how to knot knots, light fires and how to become good bob-a-jobbers. Zakes had never once aspired to be a boy scout, because it was against his principles to be a member of any paramilitary organisation.

 

Mum Zakes barged her way into the kitchen and cast a thin lipped smile in the direction of her youngest and sweetest and most good lookingest son. He responded with a quick twitch of his lips and a tweak of his left eyebrow. Zakes was asked by his mum if he was planning to go out today, and he replied in the affirmative by saying yes. Mum Zakes went on to say that in the early evening there would be a Japanese musical on the television, and it would be nice if he could come home a little later than usual or alternatively if he came home early, food would be already prepared for him to take to his sleeping room. Zakes agreed to his mum's request and decided to jest by asking her if she would like him to go to the shop to get her half a pound of Jap desserts.

Mum Zakes soon nipped his japery in the bud by giving him a deptorious glare, then she picked up her salmon blue coloured rural science gloves, and she made her way to the back garden to tend to her beloved Banzai plants.

 

Whilst chewing on his last slice of toast to end his morning meal, Zakes mused wondering why his mum found it so difficult to accept that she was from the Hoi Pol Loi, but liked to think herself to be one of the bourgeoisie bleedahs by watching posh stuff on the telly.

 

Afternoon arrived, and Zakes had prepared himself for a long walk. Zakes liked to walk and often covered many miles, God bless his sole. He always advanced by gaining ground even though he was well known as a stationary traveller. The survival artist that Zakes was, did on one occasion strain the ascarids in his right foot because he had walked too far and too long whilst wearing designer pit boots acquired from the army surplus store in downtown Frechethorpe. Attired in his brand spanking new jacket made from finest quality Angolan anthrax leather, Zakes set off.

 

The plan was to walk to the Manor estate and to have a neb around and to see if there was any decent birds knocking about. After a few minutes Zakes had a change of heart courtesy of Christian Barnard, and decided against going to the Manor because he remembered that a friend of his called Justin Thyme had told him that the Manor estate people were rough, uncultured and uncultivated, and that even the pensioners were strutting about proudly showing off their love bites plastered about their wrinkly necks. Zakes made the decision to walk about Basegreen and Gleadless Townend instead. On reaching Fox Lane, Zakes espied over the road a young woman called Sophisticated Sophie who was a known local streetwalker. Sophie was famous for not being expensive to hire, but Zakes didn'thave any dosh on him. Zakes didn't like the idea that Sophie used axle grease, and she also used polythene sandwich bags and string. Zakes decided not to pross over the road and scurried by pretty sharpishly.

 

After several unadventurous hours in Basegreen and the Townend, Zakes made his way in the direction of home. On arrival Zakes went into the kitchen and could hear the sound of the Japanese musical coming through the wall from the lounge. Zakes picked up the plate with his evening meal upon it. Zakes feasted his eyes on the food feast which comprised of pork pie, rice, lettuce, sushi redskins, onions, there was also a spot of Molman's Custard on the side.

 

Reclining upon his bed Zakes masticated with gusto and verve, and with a long loud belch which is actually a diverted fart, he licked his lips and slung his now empty plate onto the Axminster.

With appetite now fully sated, Zakes reached for the book he had recently nicked from the local library. The book was about the sexual behaviour of whales in the deep seas of the world. The information in the book was quite well advanced when one considered it was written in 1851. There was suddenly a knock on his bedroom door, and Zakes quickly tucked under his pillow the Herman Melville book titled, Moby's Dick.

Mum Zakes entered the bedroom and thanked Zakes for being such a good boy to allow his parents to watch the Japanese musical undisturbed. Zakes smiled, and not being uneducated asked his mum if she'd enjoyed watching The Mikado. Mum Zakes looked quite puzzled then said, "No son, we've been watching The Bridge over the River Choir!"

[cuttsie 1,089]

Mikado 1967.

 

The ever alert but pentacious Zakes would have to adventure alone by himself for the next two days. Zakes' two pals of the month were in the scouts and had gone away for the weekend to attend a jamboree. Jam is what the qui vive Zakes now had on his three slices of toasted ryeveeta bread as he breakfasted at home on the estate Newstead.

Zakes was hoping his two pathfinding pioneering pals were having a good time at camp learning how to knot knots, light fires and how to become good bob-a-jobbers. Zakes had never once aspired to be a boy scout, because it was against his principles to be a member of any paramilitary organisation.

 

Mum Zakes barged her way into the kitchen and cast a thin lipped smile in the direction of her youngest and sweetest and most good lookingest son. He responded with a quick twitch of his lips and a tweak of his left eyebrow. Zakes was asked by his mum if he was planning to go out today, and he replied in the affirmative by saying yes. Mum Zakes went on to say that in the early evening there would be a Japanese musical on the television, and it would be nice if he could come home a little later than usual or alternatively if he came home early, food would be already prepared for him to take to his sleeping room. Zakes agreed to his mum's request and decided to jest by asking her if she would like him to go to the shop to get her half a pound of Jap desserts.

Mum Zakes soon nipped his japery in the bud by giving him a deptorious glare, then she picked up her salmon blue coloured rural science gloves, and she made her way to the back garden to tend to her beloved Banzai plants.

 

Whilst chewing on his last slice of toast to end his morning meal, Zakes mused wondering why his mum found it so difficult to accept that she was from the Hoi Pol Loi, but liked to think herself to be one of the bourgeoisie bleedahs by watching posh stuff on the telly.

 

Afternoon arrived, and Zakes had prepared himself for a long walk. Zakes liked to walk and often covered many miles, God bless his sole. He always advanced by gaining ground even though he was well known as a stationary traveller. The survival artist that Zakes was, did on one occasion strain the ascarids in his right foot because he had walked too far and too long whilst wearing designer pit boots acquired from the army surplus store in downtown Frechethorpe. Attired in his brand spanking new jacket made from finest quality Angolan anthrax leather, Zakes set off.

 

The plan was to walk to the Manor estate and to have a neb around and to see if there was any decent birds knocking about. After a few minutes Zakes had a change of heart courtesy of Christian Barnard, and decided against going to the Manor because he remembered that a friend of his called Justin Thyme had told him that the Manor estate people were rough, uncultured and uncultivated, and that even the pensioners were strutting about proudly showing off their love bites plastered about their wrinkly necks. Zakes made the decision to walk about Basegreen and Gleadless Townend instead. On reaching Fox Lane, Zakes espied over the road a young woman called Sophisticated Sophie who was a known local streetwalker. Sophie was famous for not being expensive to hire, but Zakes didn'thave any dosh on him. Zakes didn't like the idea that Sophie used axle grease, and she also used polythene sandwich bags and string. Zakes decided not to pross over the road and scurried by pretty sharpishly.

 

After several unadventurous hours in Basegreen and the Townend, Zakes made his way in the direction of home. On arrival Zakes went into the kitchen and could hear the sound of the Japanese musical coming through the wall from the lounge. Zakes picked up the plate with his evening meal upon it. Zakes feasted his eyes on the food feast which comprised of pork pie, rice, lettuce, sushi redskins, onions, there was also a spot of Molman's Custard on the side.

 

Reclining upon his bed Zakes masticated with gusto and verve, and with a long loud belch which is actually a diverted fart, he licked his lips and slung his now empty plate onto the Axminster.

With appetite now fully sated, Zakes reached for the book he had recently nicked from the local library. The book was about the sexual behaviour of whales in the deep seas of the world. The information in the book was quite well advanced when one considered it was written in 1851. There was suddenly a knock on his bedroom door, and Zakes quickly tucked under his pillow the Herman Melville book titled, Moby's Dick.

Mum Zakes entered the bedroom and thanked Zakes for being such a good boy to allow his parents to watch the Japanese musical undisturbed. Zakes smiled, and not being uneducated asked his mum if she'd enjoyed watching The Mikado. Mum Zakes looked quite puzzled then said, "No son, we've been watching The Bridge over the River Choir!"

Thanks Zakes, Tha,s made my day as usual .

The best stuff ever on Sheffield Forum .

[cuttsie 1,089]

Zakes is there some thing missing or was i dreaming.

[Jim Hardie 523]

Zakes is there some thing missing or was i dreaming.

 

Must have been a bit too near the knuckle Cuttsie.

[cuttsie 1,089]

Must have been a bit too near the knuckle Cuttsie.

Good un to chuck! le over Jim.

[zakes 68]

Playtex

 

Roving over the fields belonging to the farmer with a furrowed brow on Birley Lane, the red eared Zakes trod with the cautious feet of a Tasmanian Tiger. The sunlight was beaming through the crowns of the heavily scented Hawthorn trees, the lush green floor was cool and the wind was blowing high at one hundred feet. From the nearby sparse bracken the vocal sounds of the Meadowlark, the Yellow Hammer, and the delightful, enchanting mating call of the ultra rare Linnetlass were to be heard silently disturbing the tranquility. Zakes was attired in his usual Saturday togs which comprised a grey frayed string vest that was a hand me down from his grandfather from his father’s side of the family, black cream coloured drill trousers and finally, upon his feet he wore pink plastic plimsolls freshly whitened the week before last.

 

With a wry smile, the ever irrevocable Zakes cast his mind back to the happenings of earlier this very morning before making his egression from the family home on the rise at estate Newstead.

Breakfast time had certainly been interesting with the usual babbled chaos created by Zakes’ parents, who else? Zakes had been awoken by their loud vocalities and within a handful of minutes clad in his ****** Watson print pyjamas, Zakes rushed speedily downstairs taking two steps at a time to see his mum and dad stood in the hallway in front of the long mirror that was attached to a wall. Mum Zakes was posing in front of the mirror and asked Dad Zakes if he liked her new Playtex girdle. After a pair of moments her husband replied by saying, “Yes love, but aren’t you supposed to say,’press fingers so’?” Mum Zakes rolled her eyes then gave a long deep audible sigh before saying,”Who do you think I am, Katie Boyle or something?” Zakes then heard his dad say,”It’s alright for you love, you don’t have the boils that I have, if you did, you would bleeding well know about it.” Mum Zakes promptly without further ado straight away ordered her husband to cease swearing immediately because there was a child present.

 

Zakes smiled in the direction of his parents, he was also shaking his head as if to say ‘what am I doing living with these two moronic morons’.

Zakes ‘innocently’ asked his dad what boils were. His dad told his youngest and most favouritest son that boils are big red spots with lots of black thick liquid inside of them. This made his backside tender and sitting down on these boils was a most painful thing making it impossible for him to relax in his favourite armchair to watch The Newcomers on telly. Zakes was perplexed and bamboozled by this and said, ”if boils are tender then surely they shouldn’t hurt because tender means to be soft and caring.” Dad Zakes started to explain to his lad that the word tender had a different meaning , but Zakes interrupted his dad by saying, “I know dad, a train driver never sits down because like you he also has a tender behind.” “Why don’t you get a job at British Rail dad, they pay lots of money and we could get free tickets as well?”

 

The young smart arsed Zakes followed his Playtex clad mother into the kitchen. She turned around to see her son staring with interest at her new girdle and asked him what he was looking at. He replied, ”Don’t know, label’s fell off.” Mum Zakes then asked her son if he was endeavouring to be funny at her expense……Wallop! Three minutes later Mum Zakes asked her son with the red left ear what he would like for his morning meal. With a mischievous smirk upon his cute face, Zakes asked for egg, BOILED egg……Wallop!

 

Continuing his stroll over the fields Zakes espied the farmer sat upon his pink Ford tractor busy at work. Zakes had now and again on the odd occasion exchanged a few pleasant sentences in the past with the farmer. Zakes had found him to be a very nice man because he was wise, intelligent and amusing, in fact Zakes really liked this farmer’s stile.

Zakes came across a cry baby bunting struggling in the undergrowth. Being a nice lad, Zakes gently picked up this cute little chickling, wiped it’s eyes then uttered soft tender words of reassurance. Now feeling reassured, Zakes thought of feeding this avian kid but alas had nothing suitable with him. In his left hand pocket Zakes had a gobstopper, a seven inches long piece of string, a rusty but trusty penknife made by S.L. Marley and Co. Ltd of Sheffield, a half used up book of matches advertising Passing Cloud cigarettes and finally two Senior Service tipped fags that he had swiped from his mum’s twenty pack. The only thing he had in his right hand pocket was a hole. Billiards anyone?

 

Minutes later Zakes detected sound by hearing something. Nearby he saw two stunningly gorgeous girls at fifty seven feet distance. The two giggling girls had most certainly gained Zakes’ full attention, putting him in a quandary. Zakes found himself on the horns of a dilemmatic predicament and needed to make a decision. He had to make a worthy choice between the bird in his hand, or the two birds in the bushes……With a heavy heart Zakes gently freed the feathered fledgling cockbird back to the undergrowth.

After three minutes short of one hour, the osculating and mankin’ session ended and Zakes proceeded on his jaunty jaunt. He spent an hour at the pond next to Birley Woods and enjoyed watching the frogs, tadpoles, newts, flamingos and dolphins at play, and it was a delightful sight witnessing a brace of ‘Chinese’ dragon flies showing off their flying skills. Leaving the pond and then the shadow of Birley Woods, Zakes stepped out into the unabating heat of the afternoon sun on his way home homeward bound. He returned the wave he received from the farmer who was still tractoring in his fields. Twenty three paces distant from Birley Lane Zakes could hardly believe his eyes when he saw crossing his path, firstly, three harvest mousse, then two adult skunks out for an afternoon stroll with their twenty seven children followed by a quartet of Quagga’s and bringing up the rear was a bunch of blue bottomed baboons.

Crossing over Birley Lane, Zakes noticed a lost looking Booth and Fisher bus looking exhausted, and black stinky smoke was spuming out of it’s tail pipe.

The fatigued and tired Zakes finally arrived home, then went to the kitchen because he wanted to treat himself to a glass of colourless liquid to quench his desire for something to drink. On entering the kitchen Zakes could hardly believe his eyes for the second time in ten minutes, when he saw his still Playtex girdle clad mother massaging soap lather into both of her husbands face cheeks and saying to him,”You’ll be a little lovelier each day, with fabulous pink Camay.” Wearing a frown and scratching his head Zakes exclaimed, “Oh no, not that bleeding Katie Boyle stuff again!!”

[cuttsie 1,089]

Playtex

 

Roving over the fields belonging to the farmer with a furrowed brow on Birley Lane, the red eared Zakes trod with the cautious feet of a Tasmanian Tiger. The sunlight was beaming through the crowns of the heavily scented Hawthorn trees, the lush green floor was cool and the wind was blowing high at one hundred feet. From the nearby sparse bracken the vocal sounds of the Meadowlark, the Yellow Hammer, and the delightful, enchanting mating call of the ultra rare Linnetlass were to be heard silently disturbing the tranquility. Zakes was attired in his usual Saturday togs which comprised a grey frayed string vest that was a hand me down from his grandfather from his father’s side of the family, black cream coloured drill trousers and finally, upon his feet he wore pink plastic plimsolls freshly whitened the week before last.

 

With a wry smile, the ever irrevocable Zakes cast his mind back to the happenings of earlier this very morning before making his egression from the family home on the rise at estate Newstead.

Breakfast time had certainly been interesting with the usual babbled chaos created by Zakes’ parents, who else? Zakes had been awoken by their loud vocalities and within a handful of minutes clad in his ****** Watson print pyjamas, Zakes rushed speedily downstairs taking two steps at a time to see his mum and dad stood in the hallway in front of the long mirror that was attached to a wall. Mum Zakes was posing in front of the mirror and asked Dad Zakes if he liked her new Playtex girdle. After a pair of moments her husband replied by saying, “Yes love, but aren’t you supposed to say,’press fingers so’?” Mum Zakes rolled her eyes then gave a long deep audible sigh before saying,”Who do you think I am, Katie Boyle or something?” Zakes then heard his dad say,”It’s alright for you love, you don’t have the boils that I have, if you did, you would bleeding well know about it.” Mum Zakes promptly without further ado straight away ordered her husband to cease swearing immediately because there was a child present.

 

Zakes smiled in the direction of his parents, he was also shaking his head as if to say ‘what am I doing living with these two moronic morons’.

Zakes ‘innocently’ asked his dad what boils were. His dad told his youngest and most favouritest son that boils are big red spots with lots of black thick liquid inside of them. This made his backside tender and sitting down on these boils was a most painful thing making it impossible for him to relax in his favourite armchair to watch The Newcomers on telly. Zakes was perplexed and bamboozled by this and said, ”if boils are tender then surely they shouldn’t hurt because tender means to be soft and caring.” Dad Zakes started to explain to his lad that the word tender had a different meaning , but Zakes interrupted his dad by saying, “I know dad, a train driver never sits down because like you he also has a tender behind.” “Why don’t you get a job at British Rail dad, they pay lots of money and we could get free tickets as well?”

 

The young smart arsed Zakes followed his Playtex clad mother into the kitchen. She turned around to see her son staring with interest at her new girdle and asked him what he was looking at. He replied, ”Don’t know, label’s fell off.” Mum Zakes then asked her son if he was endeavouring to be funny at her expense……Wallop! Three minutes later Mum Zakes asked her son with the red left ear what he would like for his morning meal. With a mischievous smirk upon his cute face, Zakes asked for egg, BOILED egg……Wallop!

 

Continuing his stroll over the fields Zakes espied the farmer sat upon his pink Ford tractor busy at work. Zakes had now and again on the odd occasion exchanged a few pleasant sentences in the past with the farmer. Zakes had found him to be a very nice man because he was wise, intelligent and amusing, in fact Zakes really liked this farmer’s stile.

Zakes came across a cry baby bunting struggling in the undergrowth. Being a nice lad, Zakes gently picked up this cute little chickling, wiped it’s eyes then uttered soft tender words of reassurance. Now feeling reassured, Zakes thought of feeding this avian kid but alas had nothing suitable with him. In his left hand pocket Zakes had a gobstopper, a seven inches long piece of string, a rusty but trusty penknife made by S.L. Marley and Co. Ltd of Sheffield, a half used up book of matches advertising Passing Cloud cigarettes and finally two Senior Service tipped fags that he had swiped from his mum’s twenty pack. The only thing he had in his right hand pocket was a hole. Billiards anyone?

 

Minutes later Zakes detected sound by hearing something. Nearby he saw two stunningly gorgeous girls at fifty seven feet distance. The two giggling girls had most certainly gained Zakes’ full attention, putting him in a quandary. Zakes found himself on the horns of a dilemmatic predicament and needed to make a decision. He had to make a worthy choice between the bird in his hand, or the two birds in the bushes……With a heavy heart Zakes gently freed the feathered fledgling cockbird back to the undergrowth.

After three minutes short of one hour, the osculating and mankin’ session ended and Zakes proceeded on his jaunty jaunt. He spent an hour at the pond next to Birley Woods and enjoyed watching the frogs, tadpoles, newts, flamingos and dolphins at play, and it was a delightful sight witnessing a brace of ‘Chinese’ dragon flies showing off their flying skills. Leaving the pond and then the shadow of Birley Woods, Zakes stepped out into the unabating heat of the afternoon sun on his way home homeward bound. He returned the wave he received from the farmer who was still tractoring in his fields. Twenty three paces distant from Birley Lane Zakes could hardly believe his eyes when he saw crossing his path, firstly, three harvest mousse, then two adult skunks out for an afternoon stroll with their twenty seven children followed by a quartet of Quagga’s and bringing up the rear was a bunch of blue bottomed baboons.

Crossing over Birley Lane, Zakes noticed a lost looking Booth and Fisher bus looking exhausted, and black stinky smoke was spuming out of it’s tail pipe.

The fatigued and tired Zakes finally arrived home, then went to the kitchen because he wanted to treat himself to a glass of colourless liquid to quench his desire for something to drink. On entering the kitchen Zakes could hardly believe his eyes for the second time in ten minutes, when he saw his still Playtex girdle clad mother massaging soap lather into both of her husbands face cheeks and saying to him,”You’ll be a little lovelier each day, with fabulous pink Camay.” Wearing a frown and scratching his head Zakes exclaimed, “Oh no, not that bleeding Katie Boyle stuff again!!”

Morning Zakes, You bloody insomuanac.

This has sent me straight to our rammel cuboard to look for her indoors 60,s playtex and gess what it dunt fit!