Nah then folks, during the 60s..

[zakes 68]

Krasnaya Zvezda, Egdirbmac 5

 

Zakes' mum had gone to Cairncross in Scotland for a few days to visit her ill brother John who was in unhealth, and he was'nt very well either. It was early Sunday morning as Zakes and his dad left the family home on their way to the newsagent shop for fags and papers. Three minutes into their stroll a strange man who Zakes had seen a few times before was coming from the opposite direction and nearing the two. Zakes didn't like the look of the man attired in white Mackintosh and black Trilby hat, and thought he may be a forrin spy. The two adults greeted each other in passing and Zakes distinkly heard his dad say Phil to the other man, and as Zakes passed the man he noticed that he had a copy of Pravda newspaper in his left pocket. When Zakes was again level with his dad, he mentioned that he thought the man Phil by the way was a spy, but Dad Zakes smiled down to his youngest son and said, ''Don't be daft lad, Mr Kimby is an agent for McLean's Toothpaste company, don't let your imagination run away with you''.

A few minutes away from the newspaper shop another man walked by dressed in a similar way to that Mr Kimby, and as this man passed by, Dad Zakes said ''Hello Anthony'' and the man responded with a gruff ''O'reight''. Zakes said that that Anthony man also looked like a spy too, and Dad Zakes told his son that the man was Blunt by name and blunt by nature, but was a nice man. Dad Zakes then def(l)ected the conversation by asking his son what he'd like for his birthday on Tuesday, and Zakes said his wish would be for a pet dog, and his dad said ''We'll see lad''.

On entering the newsagents shop Dad Zakes said a friendly ''Hello, Mr Burgess'' to the man behind the counter who was perusing a copy of the Izvestia newspaper, and Dad Zakes promptly ordered a pack of 20 Sobranie cigarettes, the 'Screws of the World' newspaper, plus a comic and a Caramac bar for his son. On the way home Zakes asked his dad who the guy was in the shop, and Dad Zakes replied that he knew the man from the local pub, and his favourite tipple was a straight double vodka.

The rest of the journey home was tassiturnly silent.

 

57 hours later on Tuesday at 17.00, Zakes and his dad were in Mace's pet shop at the market, and Zakes went to the dog cages and wanted a male dog, and not one of those habitchual ones, and decided on a Borzoi, and before anyone could say Sputnikartificialsatellite, he named it Lev Yashin!

[zakes 68]

Unforgotten friends

 

Cockadoodledoo, the **** grows in the morning, which confirmed that Zakes was,and always would be,an early riser. Soon afterwards Zakes undrew his curtains to see what the weather was like on the other side of his triple glazed bedroom window. The snowman in the garden had melted and thawed out on this sunny morning in the month of July. Saturdays were always fun days for Zakes, and hopefully today would be the same.

In the bedroom Zakes was busy using Lifebuoy soap to say no to B.O. and using a wire brush to make his necktual tide mark disappear because today he would be going to the barber's hop at Frecheville shops. Minutes later the contumacious thirteen year old Zakes was saying good mourning to his mother who had lost her great grandmother the day afore today. The red eyed Mum Zakes thanked her son and plonked his breakfast in front of him upon the pink dining table. The blue eyed Zakes tucked into his morning meal of bubble and squeak and fish fingers fresh from the captain's table.

Zakes now clothed and shod and ready to leave was told by his mum that she would most likely be out shopping when he came back from having his hair done, so Zakes said an optimistic good buy to his thin lipped mother. In the barber's hop the one legged friseur called the sprightful zakes to the chair for the chop and told him it would be cheaper today, because it was cut price on Saturday's. Zakes loved having his hair cut because it always looked as if he had had his ears lowered making him even more irresistible to any bird that happened by.

In the paper shop zakes bought a packet of Opal fruits and a small bottle of Vimto and the bejowled,nollock chopped newsagent asked Zakes if he would like to have a straw. Zakes declined by saying that straws were only for suckers!

Out into the sun again Zakes came across two of his classmates, Keith Widdowson and Richard Barnes who were on their way to have the their ears lowered too. Richard was always looking somewhat withdrawn and a sporty type, but was handy to know, specially if you had a problem with homework. Keith and Zakes had had many a battle royal at the chess club at Birley school which Keith won most of the time, but when Zakes occasionally won Keith would throw a tantrum and hurl the chess pieces around the room, and it seemed that the bishop always got a good bashing!

The rare Rara Avis that Zakes was detected David 'Steptoe' Stephenson who also shared a classroom with the solubrious Zakes. David was cycling by and they both greeted each other with a good humoured two fingerered salute Churchill style, but with the hand reversed! Zakes started to tread in the direction of home when suddenly without warning almost collided into the one and only mate he had from Frecheville school. Jeff Booth and Zakes were anti-authoritarians and although they didn't meet up as often as they would have liked to have done, they alwas seemed to have got up to some mischief when they did. After a brief but short and terse rabbit, the two rebels parted and Jeff went to see the hair cutting man, and zakes stroderapidly home because he had things to do.

 

In the kitchen at home Zakes smoked two of his mother's Carlton fags and downed a large glass of Dandelion and Burdock and prepared himself to visit someone from school who was a year older than himself. This someone couldn't be named for reasons of legality save to say he had two rabbits and their names were the usual names given to rabbits, Dibbudadas and Pussunini. Zakes knew it was good manners to take a gift when visiting, and so took a tin of carrots and a can of Batchelors Finest lettis leeves from the kitchen cupboard and set off in the direction of Occupation Lane. Zakes was pleased with himself for taking the food for the bunny wabbits because he knew it would be a fine feast for furry friends.

On the way there Zakes hoped that the rabit owner from school had a tin opener, because if he didn't, he would have to burrow one from a nayber or failing that the rabbits would have to their front teeth into action......Ugh.

[zakes 68]

Glass String 1966

 

The eximious Zakes thought it not unclever to help himself to two items from his mums Good News box of chocolates by Mackintosh, then he slipped out the door and got up again, then off down the road he trotted. A short while later Zakes came across a lad from the area called Jim Carner.

Jim bore the same name as his father who made his money organising horse shows and such, and like his father before him Jim Jnr would also remain a bachelor. The unfortunate Jim Jnr possessed a muggers gait which would put him in danger of being robbed often in his life, he also had a short thick neck which meant he was destined to live a short life. Jim Jnr was also a chinless wonder which indicated his lack of character and confirmed his gormlessness. Zakes thanked his lucky stars that he had a long neck making him eternal, and that he possessed a strong chin meant he was sound of character and full of gorm. After the usual verbage Zakes bade sithee to the latch eyed kid with a thick greasy tide mark attached to his bull neck.

 

As Zakes arrived at the lush green bottom field with the wavy billowing shin high grass that did so ripple in the wind he descried a man flashily flying a kite. The flash man felt he was being observed and turned around to discover Zakes was watching him gliding and soaring his kite, by the next time he turned Zakes had been home and come back with his own kite. Flash Gordon noticed the young boy (Zakes) had with him a cheap tack diamond shaped empire made plastic kite that were being given away at Esso petrol and snig-ered (censor me own stuff, trunts). The unstupid Zakes didn't take kindly to the sly laugh and promptly decided upon a kite fight. Whilst Flash Git was flying his colourful heavy duty box kite up down, flying around, looping the loop and defying the ground, Zakes had his in the air spinning around and within minutes was ready to do battle. Zakes slowly edged to the right and guided his kite over the windy skies toward the other man's kite, and when his kite was under the other Zakes made an upward flick, then dashed to the left and the strings of both kites became entangled together. There was only going to be one winner in this kite fight and Zakes gave a final sideways tug and the box kite rose higher in to the skies and headed toward Birley Woods minus it's string. The angry man shouted and made a move toward Zakes who let go of his kite with it's glass string still attached. Zakes turned and ran with a tiger in his tank upfield with the angry man in hot pursuit. A minute or so later Zakes with his heart in his mouth chanced a glance behind him and noted that Flash Face had given up the chase. A breathless but relieved Zakes needed three deep gulps for his heart to return to it's normal position again. Losing his kite bothered Zakes not one iota because he would cadge another tomorrow at the petrol place even though he had another seven of these Esso kites under his bed at home.

 

Briefly scanning the area Zakes saw he was close to the farm, and ensquared in a field was a herd of cows grazing and eating grass at the same time. The cattle couldn't wander off even if they wanted to because, there was a single electric wire in place preventing any escapidity. Testing his daringness and gutsability Zakes touched the electric wire tentatively and felt the strange feeling bump in his left bicep, and to even things up also touched the wire with his right hand and received the same sensation. The bovine beasts ignored Zakes as he strolled by because they were possibly in a bad moo-ed, but Zakes didn't care and wasn't going to lower himself one way or the udder and hooved it back over Birley Lane and in a fistful of minutes was back home in Newstead Rise.

Tea was ready and today Mum Zakes who was a blathers kite had cooked Zakes a plateful of beef and tripe hash, which Zakes duly gorm-andised......Ugh.

[zakes 68]

SHYTES McGREGOR 1965

 

Skip, skip, skip to the loo, skip, skip, skip to the loo, skip, skip, skip to the loo, skip to the loo my darling. Zakes' guts had taken a reight old battering, and indeed so had the glazed porcelain receptacle upstairs.

Earlier in the evening zakes' mate of the day had cried off with an acute bout of Yittenitis forcing zakes to go alone and solo by himself on a scrumping raid mission at Jermyn Crecent close to Birley Spa Junior School at the top end of Hackenthorpe's Verdant Housing Estate. On this warm Thursday evening the 11 years old Zakes was in search of plums, lots of them, to take back to his mum in the hope she would be pleased, and so exempting him from thick ears for a few days or so. Darkness had fallen upon Hackenthorpe which damaged a few chimney stacks, slates and various gutterings, but Zakes was intact and attired for the job in hand (garden). With face blackened from pit boot polish, he wore a purple sloppy joe sweater tucked into his yellow terylene denim jeans secured with a snake belt on notch five and freshly whitened plimsolls he arrived at his destination. Zakes scurried up the path to the back garden that had been recommended to him and looked intently for the plum trees.

After six circuits Zakes thort that he had been given duff information and that he was in the wrong garden and zipped back down the path and reappeared on Jermyn Crescent. Three paths and three back gardens later Zakes found the garden he had been searching for, and it had one score and four trees all fully laden with big juicy plums just begging to be picked. "Pick me", "Pick me", "Pick me" they implored, and Zakes being a good natured lad didn't want to disappoint them and after all, he had been brought up to always help a damson in distress. Zakes had noticed before entering this back garden several blow torches, pipes and other copper items on the path and assumed the tenant must be a plumber, and that was the reason for having two dozen plum trees, he was a plum dealer. Having descended the third tree from the left, Zakes with a boat load of fruit already tucked down the inside of his sweater giving the appearance that he had almost doubled his weight from ten minutes ago, started to kletter up the fourth tree from the right and disturbed a pair of plumed Jackdaws that were manking in the bough. The two birds took flight showing the zillious Zakes their pretty plumage. The sound of the alarmed birds created such a din it made Zakes lose his equilibrium causing him to plummet down the tree and land heavily like a sack of taters making even more noise, Suddenly, the copper pipe man's lounge window opened and Zakes noticed how plump the man was who shouted "Aroint thee, ya little bleedah!" Zakes rose to his feet in double quick time, then turned and ga(u)ged his run perfectly and leapt over the green hedge and vanished like snow attacked by fire. Struggling home with 57 lbs of plundered plums inside his jumper. Zakes decided to lighten his load and proceeded to eat some of the fruit in the belief they would energize him and put some plumbum in his pencil. Zakes also decided to cancel his next escapade with his now EX-mate of the day which would have been at Plumbley down Mos'boro way because he wouldn't stand (or sit) for yittenidity. Zakes also believed in bravidity even if it was a kind word meaning stupidity. Zakes finally arrived home and emptied the load from inside his sweater into the kitchen sink for his mum to wash first thing in the morning.

 

Zakes eventually arose from his pit and made his way downstairs and stepped into the kitchen and quickly stuffed yesterdays loppy underpants between blouses and shirts in the family Hotpoint weshing machine. The clock on the wall showed the time to be 13:57. It was Friday, the day after Zakes' plum pluckage, he had spent most of the night and morning sat in the thunderbox upstairs donating free of charge a purple mush to the sewers of Sheffield, he had been running, never mind skipping to the loo.

A smiling Mum Zakes entered the kitchen and thanked her youngest son for the delightful plums and offered him a nice slice of plum flan with a choice of Devonshire or clotted cream as a topping, but Zakes declined and half gag(g)ed but held himself together and plumped for a plate of baked beans with arrowroot biskits to dip into the tomato sauce, with a splodge of Wilson's gravy to settle his stomach.

Some minutes later ZAkes received his food and his mum asked him if he knew where he could obtain a load of strawberries, and his response was to give her a blood curdling scaffodic glare.

 

Mum Zakes set the weshing machine on the go as Zakes was emptying his plate, then he emptied his glass of Andrews and retired to the living room. Sprawled out on the settee Zakes was feeling much better having dined. Zakes then decided he didn't want to see or hear anything about plums for at least a year and a month and a week, then he became engrossed reading the next episode of Alf Tupper the AAA runner in the Victor comic. Alf used to be in the Rover comic until recent years Zakes mused. Just when the story was getting interesting Mum Zakes came into the lounge and disturbed the silence by telling Zakes that his dad would be away until Sunday, because he had gone to watch the horse racing in Sussex at Plumpton racecourse. She also went on to say she would be going to the matinee tomorrow at the Odeon picture palace in Sheffield to watch The Sound Of Music musical because her favourite actor Christopher Plummer plays a starring role in it.

Zakes thought that was it, then his mum opened her trapp again by telling him she would prefer him to stop in tomorrow with his new girlfriend Victoria, and it would be appreciated if they could get the garden shears out of the shed because the hedge needed to be pruned......AAARGH!!

[Joto 11]

Love your unique tales Zakes, they're even more funny with your play on words.

[cuttsie 1,089]

Love your unique tales Zakes, they're even more funny with your play on words.

 

Can,t wait for your visit to Azena.

[zakes 68]

Lawnjeray 1967

 

'Twas early Sundae evening and Young Zakes had just eaten his tea which were the usual tuna sandwiches followed by ice cream and tinned fruit cocktail.

Young Zakes was laid on his back curled up in the feetal position upon his king sized single bed in his sleeping room. Casually staring upward to the ceiling Young Zakes was vainly bathing in self glory in a vainglorious way because a few days ago he had become a hero in the eyes and minds of his mates and sport teachers at Birley School. He was hoping word would get around in school, then the girls would mob him, ask him for his autograph and then hopefully they would throw items of their personal clothing in his direction.

 

It wouldn't be the first time he'd had lawnjeray lobbed at his feet. A few months ago he had scored a perfect turkey at the CBC bowling alley down Intake way, and two impressed and impassioned rough looking chix showered him with their unmentionables, one pair of shiny satin red ones that were similar to the ones his auntie Alice wears, and a pair of green and grey striped ones made from cheap tack Tasmanian cotton, and Young Zakes loathed cotton clouts. Young Zakes was really hoping to be soon inundated at school with more smalls because it would be nice to boost his collection and at the same time surpass the large amount his dad had amassed. However, unlike his dad, Young Zakes would never lower himself by clambering over garden fences under the cloak of darkness to visit washing lines. After all, who in their right mind would want to collect brief briefs that had just been weshed? Bras were a no no, especially those new fangled ones that were at the height of recent fashion. The latest trend was the glass bras that could easily invite the wrong types into a smash-and-grab raid, and then there were the American bras imported from America that were very flimsy and only needed one yank and they were off. Tin bras didn't catch on and were soon consigned to the can, and anyway, Young Zakes much preferred Tizer as opposed to condensed milk.

 

Young Zakes' mind slipped back to the reason for his self indulgent thoughts. The Birley School football team had travelled on a sharrerbang to play an away match at Markland School and Birley was victorious by 2 goals to 1. It was the first time Birley had been successful against the Marklanders in the entire history of the schools. Young Zakes had scored the winner with a long range volley from inside the opponents six yard box. The three Birley teachers there had most gleefully slapped Young Zakes on the back causing the young hero to coff in a gasping way thrice times. Raymond Matthews, Ronald Reid and Dennis Shiels were the teahers involved and the Irish Mr Shiels who came from Derry was also on the books of Sheffield United. Young Zakes, if asked wouldn't be interested in a trial at Sheffield United, but instead at his favourite team who had won some trophies in recent years passed. Young Zakes was going to write to them asking for a trial. He knew the team name, and he knew the address was Molly Knew, but he couldn't fathom out what she exactly did know.

 

The smiling Young Zakes arose from his pit and slipped downstairs hurting his botty, then entered the living room. Dad Zakes was lolling about in the moth munched mauve coloured armchair cursing and sighing because he couldn't get a start doing the Sundae Times crossword. Glancing across the room Young Zakes espied his mother sprawled out on the flea bitten settee watching television and judging by the wrappers on the carpet was eating through her fifth bar of Bourneville dark chocolate this evening. Young Zakes knew that dark chocolate had a kemmical effect on women, and so knew that his dad would be in big demand later when it came to lights out time. The dark chocolate also made Young Zakes' mum pass wind that was more like a tornado which Young Zakes found quite dis-gusting and narseous.

Young Zakes declared he was going out for a walk , and his mum barked between two more tornados, "At night, wear something light", but Young Zakes said it would be strange to go out in T-shirt and shorts when it is snowing. Dad Zakes chipped in by telling his youngest son he could loan his white Mackintosh coit and borrow his mother's fluffy polar bear skin knee high boits, and use his eldest brother's white abattoir meat carrier's cap to cover his head. Some moments later Young Zakes was fully attired then left the family home and saw it was still snowing heavily, and the snowflakes were coming down the size of half crowns.

Reaching the main path Young Zakes turned right and headed toward the road. Busily dreaming of the goodies the girls at school would be slinging in his direction tomorrow Young Zakes stepped from the causey edge and was promptly run over by a snowplough!!

[zakes 68]

Another Sunday 1967

 

It was Sunday morning in the Zakes' household, and Zakes was impatiently sat waiting for his snap, crackle and pop to settle and digest itself. He was being strangled by boredom as surely as by noose and wondering where to go when he went out, and he was definitely going to go out. His Dad was on form this morning with his advice about this, that and the other and Zakes gave a deep sigh and thought, 'People who think they know it all, are especially annoying to those of us that do'.

Mum Zakes had put her Yardbirds records on the Dansette record player and she had the volume raised. Zakes always liked listening to his mum's Yardbirds stuff because a lot of it reminded him of a bird in the yard at school, Lynn Stacey. Lynn was an extraordinary lovely person, but Zakes loathed the idea that other lads in school fancied her too. 'Them moon faced morons ought to look elsewhere for their pleasures' thought Zakes.

First up was 'Good morning little schoolgirl', Zakes always shied away from saying that to the girl of his dreams , even though he had the chance to do it five times weekly. 'Heart full of soul' was the next record to be played and that was definitely Lynn, no two ways about it! 'For your love' was the third song, but Zakes couldn't possibly say that to Lynn without being laughed at, or maybe he might receive a swift clip from her most delicate hand. Tune number four was 'Little Games', oh yes Lynn, sock it to me, lets have fun and games. With heart pounding like crazy, Zakes hearkened in to the fifth song 'Shapes of Things' and for obvious reasons he blushed and in moments became as red as a love apple, and thought 'Let's not go there', especially at this hour because it was far too early to take a cold shower! Zakes was filled with relief when the sixth tune blared out, it was another of the Yardbirds hits 'Evil Hearted You' and this song was definitely written for his mum, and within seconds Zakes was out of the house striding toward Hackenthorpe on the other side of Birley Moor Road.

 

Zakes arrived at the top of Occupation Lane looking as white as a pillow case to be greeted by two brothers. These brothers were called Rob and Bob and they had with them their black larcenous dog that was a pin(s)cher, who had allegedly faced the courts on two occasions for snaffling sausages from the local butchers shop in the locality, and got collared. His plea of non guilt and that he had been lead on was to no avail because the magistrate with the tin opener features was a right old butch, and poor old Belvedere was bound over to keep the peace.

Rob and Bob together, at the same time in tandem asked Zakes why he was looking so pale and ashen. Zakes, who liked to be informative and educational, explained to these two dimwits that whilst he was crossing Birley Moor Road a few minutes ago, he'd almost got run over by a bleeding speeding double decker back loader bus. The two dip stick brothers then enquired as to which bus it was, and Zakes told them it was the number 26 on it's way to Killermarsh!

Zakes suggested to the two pococurante brothers that all three of them may as well practice their gozzing skills, and of course with the help of the ever faithful and friendly Belvedere, as it would soon be Frecheville carnival time, and they agreed.

Thirty minutes further into the day, Zakes bade farewell to the two dumb brothers along with their now green dog.

 

Traversing Birley Moor Road on the way back home, Zakes looked out for the cream and blue number 26 bus on it's return journey. Alas, Zakes only saw the number 3 East Midland bus on it's way to Sheffield from Mansfield, and it was the exact same colour as the ever loyal Belvedere......Ugh!

[cookingfat50 10]

Nah then folks, during the 60s on the Vic Hallam Pigeon hut estate i lived at Newstead Rise and on sundays there was a bloke pushing a weird looking cart and he was vending Walls ice cream. The cart was smallish which leads to 2 quetions, 1. Does anyone remember him? 2. Where did he go to get his re-stocks to continue his round(s)? We unkindly named him Polly or Parrot, bluddy kids eh!

 

thee were quite a few of these ice cream sellers going round on converted bikes i lived on gleadless valley in the sixties and he would trunddle around the streets on the valley wth an insulated ice box on the front from time to time a would see a large refridgerated van find these bikes and restock them i think he used to have a bell on the handle bars

[zakes 68]

A Papal Visit 1967

 

The hapless but clitic Zakes aged 13 was not one to stalk, even though he possessed one. He always took great care and pride in choosing the right girls, who had to be clean, because he didn't want to end up with 'sailors' crawling about on his mast. Zakes was toying with the idea of joining the navy when he had finished with school, but being a fly git he might be more suited enlisting in the RAF instead. Unaided by a telescope, Zakes used his nelsonic eyesight to espy a girl of a similar age to his good self, who lived over the back gardens from where he lived at Newstead Rise.

 

Janet was a girl with orange coloured hair that reached down to her slim shoulders. Her alabaster pink skin was somewhat befreckled giving her the appearance of cuteness. There was a girl in school who was Zakes' favourite, but Janet was alright and would do. As us mariners always say, "Any port in a storm". It was rumoured in the locality that Janet suffered in a bad way with Avitaminosis, but it was also said that she was afebrile.

Zakes' eldest brother had been on a few dates with Janet's elder sister. This sister was a nurse, and Zakes presumed she tended and cared for his brother's every need and whim, whatever they may be. On one occasion they had gone out for a meal together, and on that particular evening the rain had come down like stair rods and they hadn't taken an umbrella with them. This made Zakes quite envious because his elder brother would have had his appetite whetted, knowing he was out with a wet nurse.

 

Zakes had for weeks now been trying to get Janet's attention, but hadn't been successful. He had fired peas, rice and lentils with his pea shooter from his bedroom window to no avail, because the distance between their houses was too great. He had considered using his catapult, but he didn't want to put her bedroom window through. Another possibility was to stand in her garden and throw grit up to her window, and if need be, chuck clods of clay, but the window cleaner wouldn't be too happy about that. Zakes had also tried calling from his bedroom window at night, using an old lime green blue coloured lampshade as a makeshift megaphone romantically calling,

 

"Janet The Gannet,

From an unknown planet". repeatedly,

He received no response.

 

One Saturday afternoon, Zakes had been playing subbuteo in the living room at the house of two of his mates who often played football with him on the street (rise). These two mates were brothers and they were called David and Gary Shirley (no relation to an earlier post), and David was the eldest of the two by a year or so. The Shirley brothers lived next door or two to the carrot topped Janet and her family.

 

Having said goodbye to the Shirley brothers, Zakes stepped on to the path outside their house and came face to face with the elusive Janet. Within a handful of seconds Zakes' heart was also throbbing, and he observed that Janet was eating from a small conic shaped paper bag half filled with cherry lips sweets. This, thought Zakes, must be one of the reasons why she had rusty coloured hair. The nervous Zakes admired the two pink slides in her hair, and decided to bite the bullet and almost chipped a tooth in the process. Shaking like a leaf, Zakes asked the girl from an unknown planet, if she would like to go on a 'nature' walk with him to Birley woods. After a few moments of cogitation, Janet said she would have to take a rain check. Zakes argued that the skies were clear, and rain hadn't been forecasted because he had heard the meteorological outlook on Radio We(a)therby that very morning. Janet's lips twitched with mirth, and she rolled her eyes but told Zakes she wasn't interested in doing a nature walk today. Zakes had no choice but to shrimdictively accept her decision. Zakes then sloped off in the direction of home leaving the coy, playing hard to get gannet standing alone, on her own, on the path.

 

Zakes arrived home, then slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field. Entering the lounge Zakes noticed his aunty Grizzelda had come to visit, all the way from Harcourt Road in Sheffield 10. Aunty 'Griz' saw that Zakes was looking somewhat dispirited, and held her favourite nephew tightly and closely to her 58 inch bosom. Zakes felt titilated, and without showing it, discarded his demise and felt his spirits rise.

The well endowed aunty asked Zakes why he was looking so down and sad faced. Zakes explained that at school yesterday, a girl called Lynn had repelled his advances, and today a girl named Janet had also told him to get on his bike. His aunty with the giant sized paps, gave Zakes another warm hug and said......

 

"When one door closes, another one slams in your face" Ugh.

[cuttsie 1,089]

A Papal Visit 1967

 

The hapless but clitic Zakes aged 13 was not one to stalk, even though he possessed one. He always took great care and pride in choosing the right girls, who had to be clean, because he didn't want to end up with 'sailors' crawling about on his mast. Zakes was toying with the idea of joining the navy when he had finished with school, but being a fly git he might be more suited enlisting in the RAF instead. Unaided by a telescope, Zakes used his nelsonic eyesight to espy a girl of a similar age to his good self, who lived over the back gardens from where he lived at Newstead Rise.

 

Janet was a girl with orange coloured hair that reached down to her slim shoulders. Her alabaster pink skin was somewhat befreckled giving her the appearance of cuteness. There was a girl in school who was Zakes' favourite, but Janet was alright and would do. As us mariners always say, "Any port in a storm". It was rumoured in the locality that Janet suffered in a bad way with Avitaminosis, but it was also said that she was afebrile.

Zakes' eldest brother had been on a few dates with Janet's elder sister. This sister was a nurse, and Zakes presumed she tended and cared for his brother's every need and whim, whatever they may be. On one occasion they had gone out for a meal together, and on that particular evening the rain had come down like stair rods and they hadn't taken an umbrella with them. This made Zakes quite envious because his elder brother would have had his appetite whetted, knowing he was out with a wet nurse.

 

Zakes had for weeks now been trying to get Janet's attention, but hadn't been successful. He had fired peas, rice and lentils with his pea shooter from his bedroom window to no avail, because the distance between their houses was too great. He had considered using his catapult, but he didn't want to put her bedroom window through. Another possibility was to stand in her garden and throw grit up to her window, and if need be, chuck clods of clay, but the window cleaner wouldn't be too happy about that. Zakes had also tried calling from his bedroom window at night, using an old lime green blue coloured lampshade as a makeshift megaphone romantically calling,

 

"Janet The Gannet,

From an unknown planet". repeatedly,

He received no response.

 

One Saturday afternoon, Zakes had been playing subbuteo in the living room at the house of two of his mates who often played football with him on the street (rise). These two mates were brothers and they were called David and Gary Shirley (no relation to an earlier post), and David was the eldest of the two by a year or so. The Shirley brothers lived next door or two to the carrot topped Janet and her family.

 

Having said goodbye to the Shirley brothers, Zakes stepped on to the path outside their house and came face to face with the elusive Janet. Within a handful of seconds Zakes' heart was also throbbing, and he observed that Janet was eating from a small conic shaped paper bag half filled with cherry lips sweets. This, thought Zakes, must be one of the reasons why she had rusty coloured hair. The nervous Zakes admired the two pink slides in her hair, and decided to bite the bullet and almost chipped a tooth in the process. Shaking like a leaf, Zakes asked the girl from an unknown planet, if she would like to go on a 'nature' walk with him to Birley woods. After a few moments of cogitation, Janet said she would have to take a rain check. Zakes argued that the skies were clear, and rain hadn't been forecasted because he had heard the meteorological outlook on Radio We(a)therby that very morning. Janet's lips twitched with mirth, and she rolled her eyes but told Zakes she wasn't interested in doing a nature walk today. Zakes had no choice but to shrimdictively accept her decision. Zakes then sloped off in the direction of home leaving the coy, playing hard to get gannet standing alone, on her own, on the path.

 

Zakes arrived home, then slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field. Entering the lounge Zakes noticed his aunty Grizzelda had come to visit, all the way from Harcourt Road in Sheffield 10. Aunty 'Griz' saw that Zakes was looking somewhat dispirited, and held her favourite nephew tightly and closely to her 58 inch bosom. Zakes felt titilated, and without showing it, discarded his demise and felt his spirits rise.

The well endowed aunty asked Zakes why he was looking so down and sad faced. Zakes explained that at school yesterday, a girl called Lynn had repelled his advances, and today a girl named Janet had also told him to get on his bike. His aunty with the giant sized paps, gave Zakes another warm hug and said......

 

"When one door closes, another one slams in your face" Ugh.

Cheers Zakes thats started my day of grand!

[poppins 10]

so cute, Zakes slammed the door behind him because he wasn't born in a field