zakes 68 #49 Posted April 23, 2010 'zakes swaggered home with a s**** ', swa_k/ sw_nk/ swan_ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #50 Posted June 7, 2010 EXCLUSION FROM REX PICTURE HOUSE In the mouth Round the gums Look out stomach Here it comes. Zakes was stood outside on the pavement directly in front of the paned glass window of the chip shop on Birley Moor Road shovelling a penny worth bag full of scraps into his eager gob. Zakes was feeling good fizzically but feeling ungood mentally because he and a mucker named Paul Pal had according to the clock on the wall inside the chip shop been barred, banned and shown the door at the Rex Picture Palace 57 minutes past. If his neck would have been long enough he would have bitten his own backside, and if his legs would have been long enough he would have kicked himself in the nadgers. Zakes and Paul Pal had been so stupid to get themselves evicted because they hadn't heeded the warnings they had been given. They had decided the previous day to go to the Saturday matinee and set off full of joy promising themselves to be on good behaviour and for that reason didn't take with them anything that may cause a ruckus such as a whistle, football rattle, mouth organ, kazoo or kettle drums. It was a nice chilly day in the year 1965 as these two 11 year olds entered the Rex auditorium equipped fully with spice bought from the shop over the road opposite because they were cheaper, plenty than the Rex flicks. They had with them treets, poppets, everlasting strip, topic, sherbet fountains, pontefract cakes, 26 banana chews and a 18 oz bag of tiger nuts plus a pack of five Woodbines cigarettes and a box of safety matches. Zakes and Paul Pal parked their nether regions on nice padded seats on the left hand side of the stalls eleven rows down from the back and they promptly dangled their legs over the back of the seats directly in front of them. The lights were turned or switched low and it was getting dimmer and darker and the curtains on the stage opened on their own like magic and Zakes wondered if David Nixon was in the house but that would be impossible because he would be too busy with his magic circle, Simon Templar had one too. The big television came to life with a cartoon showing a bunch of mischievous yellow beaked crows looking very menacing as if they were about to commit murder. These crows were hilarious, getting up to all type of tricks and they reminded him of himself (Zakes). Zakes and Paul Pal were doing a fine and fast job of scoffing their way through the sweets and agreed to pause and have a fag to wash them down. Having just lit up they both noticed at the same time a ray of light shining upon them, this beam was ignored by the two because they knew it was the usherette giving them a flash, letting them know that she had caught them smoking. Moments later she was by their side and crouching whispered a warning that if they smoked again she would fetch the manager. Zakes had noticed the smell of Beechnut gum coming out from between her begging to be kissed full lips, he also inhaled the smell of Knights Kasteel soap coming from her skin, and too the smell of his favourite shampoo Sunsilk coming from her grey short cropped hair. Zakes pointed out to the usherette that he and Paul Pal were trying to watch and listen to the cartoons being shown and it would be appreciated if she would clear off back to her post a the back of the cinema, she complied. During the interval Zakes and Paul Pal decided against devouring an ice cream because the ice lady didn’t have what they wanted that being one of them Neapolitan block bricks and bought a pair of watery orange drinks served in plastic like cups with the straw sticking out of the lid (yuk) instead. The main film had started and it was one of those rawhide type western films. The theme was a wagon train from Oregon or some such place taking cattle and persons to the wild west and being followed by injuns and it seemed every 2 minutes the wagon train leader would raise a leather gloved hand and shout “wagons whoa’’. This was the perfect cue for Zakes and Paul Pal to upset the nonsupermodel usherette. Exactly seven whoa’s later ,4 from Zakes and three from Paul Pal the beam was once again upon the two whippersnappers, yes it was torchy the battery girl in action again warning them one more time. Zakes and Paul Pal were unbothered by the ‘lady’ with the flash lamp and lit up another couple of fags and with in 2 or 3 minutes she arrived on the scene this time with back up namely the manager. Zakes and Paul Pal were nervously standing on the plush carpet in the managers office facing the manager who sat behind his desk in an official way reminding Zakes of one of his teachers he hated and feared at Birley Spa School, Mr. (overtrunt) Williams! Anyway, Mr. manager proceeded to give Zakes and Paul Pal a reight dressing down telling them they were very norty to be smoking aged eleven especially in the pictures, shouting out whoa was wrong because it spoils the film for others and throwing tiger nuts all over the show could blind someone if they were hit in the eye because tiger nuts are very hard and more importantly it is a waste of good food “think of the poor children who are starving in Africa”. It was at this point when Zakes observed that the manager had part of one of his ears missing and Zakes felt pity, ruth and compassion thinking it could have been a wound from the second world war, then it occurred to him that it could be a result of heavy petting with the usherette, but the discerning forward thinker that Zakes was thought the most likely cause of his missing ear part was because a family of meat eating caterpillars had gotten into his bedroom and when he was sleeping this family of caterpillars had a damn good meal nibbling at his luggie because they aspired to be big fat butterflies. Zakes burst out laughing and Paul Pal joined in and they both were promptly without further ado thrown out of the Rex on their listening organs……Ugh. P.S Zakes had a nayber who had a dog called Rex, Zakes gently suggested to him that he should rename his dog to , Gaumont, Odeon, Essoldo, Classic or ABC! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
Lostrider 10 #51 Posted June 7, 2010 Brilliant. keep em coming Zakes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
Joto 11 #52 Posted June 7, 2010 COMIC CUTS, LONG AND SHORT It was back in Octember 'bout the same time last year when Zakes Jnr. was in the kitchen waitin for his brekkie. T'was half term and Zakes Jnr. had decided to minutes spare later he's go through his mums pile of Diana, Judy, Boyfriend, Jackie, Girl and Schoolgirls Own.. I zakes I remember getting the magazine 'Boyfriend' when I was a teenager. My sister had a habit of sneaking it out of my bag while I was eating tea after work. Well this got really annoying, because she would steal it then lock the bathroom door. Well one day I was really mad and I knocked on the bathroom door and shouted " Have you got my boyfriend in the bath with you!" I hope the neighbours didn't overhear. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
daddysangel 10 #53 Posted June 9, 2010 Omg!!!. These tales are hilarious. hope you gonna get them published Zakes!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
poppins 10 #54 Posted June 9, 2010 (edited) I've printed some out to read on our next L O N G road trip Edited June 9, 2010 by poppins Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #55 Posted July 20, 2010 Anybody from Wood Street Sheffield 6? When Dad Zakes left the military in 1959 and before family Zakes moved to Hackenthorpe they lived for some months on Wood Street off Infirmary Road at the top, and at the bottom was Penistone Road. Living in Sheffield 6 with welcoming relatives was an enjoyable time for Zakes who was now in his fifth year although the living standards were a come down from the R.A.F. camps he had lived in. Zakes remembers the names of some of the people that lived on this steep cobbled street, there were the Armitages, Allenders, Bells, and Eyres etc. Zakes also remembers the Wellington pub at the top of the street on the right which was over 'our' yard wall that had glass embedded in cement on top of it. At the top left was a sweet shop where Zakes' mum bought Zakes pop and spice whilst he stood there on tiptoe with eyes agape looking at the big selection of goodies on display. On the same side further down was a road called Thirza Street (?) and on the corner was a general grocery shop called Sanderson's and Zakes recalls how impressed he was by the door latch handle (thumb on top to open) and the loud bell that rang when the door opened. Crossing Wood Street there was a Barbers and another shop (?), there were some horses and pigeons lofts on this side too and also Lime Street. On Infirmary Road nearby where the trams ran some with 'cow catchers' at the front were the gift shop and the 'Army Barbers' (short back and sides done in 3 minutes) and a bendix. On Whitehouse Lane over Infirmary Road was a chip shop with the most delightful chips (first time that Zakes had eaten chips), no idea what they were cooked in. A t Zakes' aunty's house the toilets were in the backyard (give the door a kick first to allow the rats to scarper) and behind over the wall was Goodi(n)son coal merchants in Ash Street. The bedroom Zakes slept in had a cold linoleum floor and a potty under the bed for night time and Zakes had his weekly bath in the kitchen's deep ceramic sink and butter was stored with milk on the cold cellar steps. Almost every day (so it seemed) Zakes would run down the street toward Penistone Road because over the big road was an enormous advertisement board and upon the board was a big picture of a very old man with a long white beard and he was wearing a checked suit and he held a walking cane. He was advertising Younger's Tartan beer. Zakes was so mesmerized by the old man that he wished and hoped he would come to life and become his new grandad because his own grandads had perished as victims of war and all Zakes ever wanted was to have a grandad he could cuddle and call his very own. Zakes had only seen his real grandads on old sepia photographs. Watching his aunty's little black and white telly in the evenings Zakes was enthralled seeing programmes like Tenderfoot, Cheyenne, Maverick, The Invisible Man, and Texas Rangers (?)(cowboys with shiny badges and wearing black and white striped shirts but they certainly weren't Jackie Milburn, Joe Harvey, Bobby 'Dazzler' Mitchell, Len Shackleton etc)......UGH. P.S. Apologies for using this 60s thread with a 50's story but it is close, please forgive. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #56 Posted August 4, 2010 Contains adult material. If easily offended please cease perusal now. These are the thoughts and writings of a 12 year old boy in 1966. Names could be invented or not. With a sigh of satisfaction Zakes pressed his rasberry lips together having just read the final page of 'War and Peace'. It had taken zakes fifty seven weeks to complete this classic which was longer than he had anticipated, maybe next time he should read the English language version. The 'intellectual' Zakes aged 147 months was called to the table to have his Sunday dinner with the family. Grace wasn't spoken because who would want to thank God for the junk they were about to receive Amen? Plonked on to the plates were roasted Chitterlings, Kohlrabi, carats, couch potatoes, parsons lips and grey gravy. Zakes counted his blessings that his mother wasn't a dinner lady at his school Birley Sec. Mod, not unless she could guarantee the poisoning of the headmaster. After dindins Zakes enjoyed a nice pint glass full of refreshing Andrews that went down a treat like a dose of salts. Zakes wasn't in the temper to start reading the next literature on his list (the life and works of Bill Spearshakes) and instead opted to choose to go for a long walk around the lump. Zakes knew it would be a waste of time calling on his mates because they would either be playing with their Meccano sets, Lego bricks or possibly enjoying a spot of Egyptian P.T. Minutes later whilst walking along Newstead Road Zakes passed a bird from the nayberhood and she passed him too and her name was Shirley and she was something in the region of 48 months senior to him. Zakes had noticed she wasn't pregnant anymore because the bump had disappeared which bamboozled him because she was pregnant five days ago when he had last seen her, hanging her see-threw undies up to dry in her parents back garden on Newstead Rise. At the time Zakes hadn't been sure whether she had swallowed a case ball or had been kicked in the back with a clog, or that she was maybe preggers and up the spout with a bun in the oven, but Zakes' mother had later confirmed that shocking Shirley was in fact in the state of expectancy. Zakes decided to have a good think about this enigmatic puzzle and came to the conclusion that shameless Shirley must of most recently had a knitting needle of coat hanger job done on her in some seedy, smokey back parlour in a rundown part of town. Zakes was somewhat bemused and thought with her name being Shirl then just maybe she had had it done on SHIRLand Lane down in the darkest Sheffield 9 or thereabouts on a nearby street like Doctor Lane, Ardmore Street, Mott Mews or possibly Candoww Street. Anyway, who cares about Shirl the girl with a whirl of a curl, she was too old and too scabby for Zakes for goodness zake!! The sands of time were shifting and the heavy clouds were lifting and Zakes continued his stroll around the Birley Housing Estate which at this time of year was in full bloom with nice smelling hawthorn and privet hedgerows. Fifty seven minutes into the walk that was becoming a trek Zakes reached and arrived at Thornbridge Rise and immediately espied and noticed with his eyes a school pal approaching and a few moments later Zakes spoke to him with his mouth offering a greeting and also hailing him with a well meant hello. The school pal was called Dave the brave with a perm-anent wave and he acknowledged the salubrious, wholesome looking Zakes. Dave the rave not from a cave had a transistor radio on the go held to his left luggy and Zakes could quite clearly hear with his ears the song 'Russian Spy and I' by the Dutch group 'The Hunters' blaring away and Dave the knave was jiving with free abandon on the verdant green grass verge to the stunning guitar solo of Jan Akkerman the lead guitarist. After the song was over Dave the slave and Zakes had a rabbit (better than Chitterlings) and a talk about the usual everyday things that people speak of like:- How high is the sky, How many beans make five, climbing up pylons on a frosty weekend, how long is a piece of string, and why do girls put a hand to their mouth when they are crying, are they afraid their teeth will fall out, or perhaps just the tongue? Zakes suddenly realised it would soon be tea time and decided to go home soon because he didn't want to miss his usual Sunday tuna sandwiches followed by tinned fruit cocktail with carnation cream, watch Foo Foo, Captain Pugwash then a childs adaptation of a Charles Dickens story on the goggle box. Zakes managed to scrounge a fagerette off grave Dave who's transistor radio was still banging out tunes, this time Helen Shapiro was singing one of her oldies from five years prior. Zakes decided to 'accompany' Miss Shapiro on his way home, he took a drag on his fag, exhaled and loud throated began to sing......''Woodbines back to happiness, Woodbines oh yeah!!!! Woodbines oh yeah!!!!''......Oh geeoah! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #57 Posted September 2, 2010 Names from 1968-69, Townend, Hollinsend, Charnock, and Basegreen. When Zakes moved to Gleadless Town End from Birley some of the people he remembers whether it be naybers or football mates in Hollinsend Park on Sundays with jumpers as goal posts playing seventeen-a-side or hanging around the shops or during his underage drinking days in the Old Harrow and Centre Spot pubs are listed below:- Harvey Rogers, John Addy, Mick Addy, Mick Hardcastle, Kevin Hardcastle, Lynn Howath, Colin Smith, Anne Ollerrenshaw, Tony Rushton, Anthony Ptak, Tony Clarke, Steve Burke, Cathy Burke, Mr Burke (motorbike and sidecar), Jennifer Laycock, Ian Bradbury, Sally Bradbury, Peter Bradbury Snr. and Jnr., Joyce Bradbury, Keith Bradbury, Marcus Bradbury, Brian Bradbury, Terence Bradbury, Anita Davies, Paula Davies, Mandy Davies, Gary Wells, Pamela Prowse, Glen Oxley, Steve Oxley, Keith Wilcock (Benj), Mick Schwarz, Eric Schwarz, Rodney Hill, Pete Harrison, Little Frank, Biggs, Bill Welbourn, Mick Hyde, Gary Turton, John Smith, Alan Woodward. Are you or do you know any of these names? Zakes wanted to relate to you some interesting anecdotes about himself and the underlined names but the happenings happened in the early 70's but this is a 60's thread. If and when Zakes starts a 70 s thread he will come back to the stories. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #58 Posted September 6, 2010 Soup Of The Day 1963 Zakes' parents would today be going to visit a long lost relative they hadn't seen for three weeks or more in Blakedown and wouldn't be back home until mid early evening. They had made the choice to entrust the nine years old Zakes with the house key for the complete day and to light the fire when he got home. Zakes gave his promise that he would lock up the house before going to his school Birley Spa Juniors on the Hackenthorpe housing settlement and to get the fire on the go when he came home from his educational learnings. Mum and Dad Zakes shortly afterwards set off with relish on their journey to Worcestershire leaving the saucy but pert Zakes in charge of everything in the knowledge that their son thrived on responsibility but rebelled against any form of discipline and so would do a good job. A short while later Zakes departed home and skipped in the direction of school having safely secured the house door with guaranteed assecurity. Within twenty minutes he arrived in the playground and joined in with the other boys having a kick about but the girl was screaming out too loudly and the teacher on yard duty would surely hear her, so Zakes pulled a loppy tennis ball out of his left hand side blazer pocket and they used that instead. Fourteen minutes later Zakes and his mates were sat down in class learning algebra which Zakes didn't have a problem with but soon they would be doing the dreaded Latin lesson that Zakes didn't like, but he did enjoy the Russian, German and Italian lessons but unfortunately they were on tomorrows timetable with the bearded teacher Mr. Wilson who reminded Zakes of Daniel Quilp. Playtime came around eventually and Zakes didn't want to lose any of his belongings so he placed his catapult, pea shooter, split peas, crocodile clip, mini portable ludo set, 4 acorns, beechnut gum and his house key into his desk for safe keeping and only took the shabby tennis ball with him to play footy. During the dead language lesson Zakes decided to have a severe bout of Otalgia and after a teachers inspection it was agreed to release Zakes from today's lessons and allow him to go home to recuperate from his Otitismedia. Zakes stepped out of school into the thickest pea souper he had (n)ever seen, it was a real Yorkshire, the fog was so thickly knitted Zakes couldn't see his left hand in front of his face from three inches distant. The well foreign spoken Zakes wondered if Foggia in South East Italy ever had such fogginess as this. Zakes slowly made his way out of the school gates and holding onto the fencing shuffled his way into Birley Spa Lane and turned left in the direction of home. Taking slow small steps Zakes gingerly by passed the lane that led down to the Roman lido and found the green railings that were now grey with his left hand. He continued his journey home inch by inch and then the railings ended and Zakes traversed Dyke Vale Avenue with the utmost caution then felt to his left and found privet hedges and the occasional hawthorn (ouch) hedge. By now worried Zakes was very frightened and apprehensive and it dawned on him that there was a deathly silence as he couldn't hear anyone speaking, singing, whistling or coughing and he hadn't heard a single bird tweet or twitter and that there was certainly no vehicles unstationary. The fog was now even more thicker and Zakes started to have wild thoughts even though he knew that fear of the fog is not about fear of the fog but fear of the unknown, fear of what was behind and beyond the fog, the basic fears founded in childhood that could remain through his grownuphood......oh dear. Zakes' mind started to play tricks and he was starting to imagine unimaginal things like falling into a large gaping hole that would swallow him up and he would be gone from this life for forever and a day, or maybe there might be a mad man with a shiny blood stained axe waiting to hack off his head, and there was a big possibility that a wild flock of sharp toothed vampire bats could fly out of the fog and avidly nibble his face to bits, or just perhaps a stray rusty Russian T-34 tank from the second world war could be heading his way up the path from the direction of the Blue Bell refreshment house. Te panic had now started to make Zakes' skin leak with perspiring sweat as he plodded on at a snail's pace crossing Dyke Vale Road and progressing 'til he reached the steps situated next to Mrs Watson's house and Zakes was glad not to see this nagging old fog-ey today. The steps were easily overcome because he knew how many there was and he inched over Carter Lodge Avenue to enter Carter Lodge Rise then he tottered down this hill with his mind still spinning and his little body shaking and took the next right into his home road Carter Lodge Drive. He found the house he lived in and now feeling safe edged his way up the path so relieved the nightmare was over and thought himself so foolish to have thought of all those horrible things that could of happened to him whilst making his journey home that had taken 1 hour and 57 minutes. Zakes now with a quarter melon sized smile upon his face reached into his right hand side trouser pocket for the house key and was filled with stunned horror when he realised ha had left the key in his desk at school!!......and so the nightmare begins again...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
zakes 68 #59 Posted December 16, 2010 Zakes Licks His Wounds in Hackenthorpe In 1964 Zakes' 16 year old biggest brother had a bike that had 26 inch wheels which was a bit too big for Zakes being a small little 10 year old. Zakes had for a while now aspired to ride the damned thing sooner rather than later. The opportunity arrived one day when Zakes' brother wasn't at home and like greased lightening Zakes snuck it out of the house and off he went. Zakes had great difficulty pedalling because either the bike was too high or his legs were too short, but he thought it was definately one of the two or maybe both. Turning right out of Carter Lodge Drive and zipping down Carter Lodge rise to the jennel, Zakes then rode through the fields and turned left and went along the path on the estate side of the river with the intention of eventually turning left toward Birley Spa woods then left again with the plan to be home within the hour. However, as Zakes was riding along the path by the river the path tapered somewhat and Zakes hesitated somewhat and the upshot was he and the bike cascaded somewhat down the embankment and both ZAkes and the bike ended up entangled in the cold river somewhat. When he got over the initial shock Zakes picked up the bike and started to clamber up the muddy bank and almost reaching the top slipped and lost his balance and ended up in the river again with bike atop of him next to al those used jonnies of different sizes tht did wedge in the edge of the sedge. Not finding a suitable place to get out Zakes waded down river dragging the bike behind him also being ultra cautious of any alligators or sharks that might be about in a snappy mood but he only saw eight octopie and an anacongaconda snake with a guesstimated length of 57 yards. At last eventually Zakes befound himself with bike back on the path again soaked to the bones and he spent some moments inspecting his life threatening grazes to his arms and leg and chose to go home to lick his wounds. Zakes pushed the bike all the way home and on arrival his mother saw him with his big brother's bike and went barmy and flames started to come out from her mouth and her nose holes and thick smoke billowed from out of her ears and she gave the forlorn Zakes a tongue whipping followed by a well landed thick ear and then ordered him to clean himself in the bathroom and to get to bed. Off to bed zakes went but was called down for tea at teatime. After tea, vinegar and brown paper were put on Zakes' deep wounds by his thin-lipped mum. Soon afterwards Zakes' big brother arrived home from where'er he had been and promptly straight away noticed his bike was muddied up and that the front wheel was somewhat buckled. 57 minutes later he got his chance and gave ZAkes a reight old lambasting which bloody hell hurt. Being a fair minded person, Zakes accepted his punishment and took it like a man with no hard feelings and later went to his big brothers bedroom and nicked one of his beloved football programmes and a white knight from his chess set and hid them under his other brother's (aged 11) mattress!...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
David Bowler 10 #60 Posted December 16, 2010 Know lots of the people you mention, I lived on Newstead Close, you MUST write a book on the lines of wers mi dad Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...