Nah then folks, during the 60s..

[zakes 68]

THE SECRET OF THE FUTURE'S NEVER TOLD.

 

Mum Zakes and Junior Zakes left their home on Carter Lodge Drive on a very foggy weekday morning in the year 1962. Junior Zakes aged 8, was in unhealth again, this time his problems were threefold, apraxia, aural haematoma and swollen aglets. They were off to see Dr. Pagdin at his surgery on Beighton Rooad but first had to do a detour to Church Lane to see if Mum Zakes could find some buttons on the pavement outside Singleton's factory. She successfully found 57 multi coloured buttons of various sizes and pocketed them pretty sharpish. Mum and Junior Zakes arrived at Dr. Pagdin's place of work, pushed open the squeaking gate, walked along the garden path (Junior Zakes took note of the fruit trees for future reference) then they slipped into the house. The hallway smelt nicely of fresh floor and wood polish. Mum Zakes turned the brass door knob to gain entry to the waiting room dragging Junior Zakes with her. They both were met with a thicker fog than the one outside, everyone in the packed out room were smoking. Junior Zakes saw a classmate in the second row greedily puffing on a pipe made from an acorn shell and reeded grass and he had a packet of St. Bruno peering out of the top pocket of his school blazer. 17 men were smoking cigars or plain fags like Capstan, Parkies and Woodies, and 9 women were avidly drawing on tipped (filter) ciggies. Even the receptionist had a Cuban (cigar, not Fidel) in her generous mouth. Mum Zakes also joined in by lighting up a senior service flip. 57 choking minutes later Junior Zakes was called in to see the doctor and was asked to take off his new grey duffle coyt and his shirt but was allowed to keep on his brand new second hand string vest. Standing there in his string vest Junior Zakes looked like an asparagas tarzan, his muscles were like knots on cotton. The cold stethoscope wasn't warm by any means but Junior Zakes obeyed the in out, in out instructions and answered in the negative to the how many do you smoke a day enquiry. Three minutes shy of one hour later Mum Zakes along with Junior Zakes were ambling through Main Street. They passed the Blue Bell Battle Cruiser, then level with the Sportsman passed pleasantries with the Watson's who ran that pub, they had been feeding the gaggle of geese who were housed behind the building. Mum and Junior Zakes gave a brief salute to Mr. Howard who was busy outside his cycle shop repairing a puncture on village bobby Disney's bike (he didn't receive acknowledgement). Finally Mum and Junior Zakes arrived at the apothecary. Dr. Pagdin had given Junior Zakes good news regarding his three illnesses, but had given him a prescription because whilst at the surgery Junior Zakes had developed a chronic smokers cough!! Ugh...

[Joto 11]

zakes I can't wait for the next installment, reading this as certainly made me laugh. You should write a book of your adventures, you'd need an editor mind.

[zakes 68]

TREAD IN A SQUARE YOU MARRY A BEAR.

 

Their lips met in a wild passionate kiss, then she crossed her legs and nearly snapped his neck!!

Aware Zakes had become aware of those girls who made of sugar and spice and all things nice, and that butter melted in their mouths, but most of these girls were like Aware Zake's football team, in that they promised a lot but delivered nothing!! Aware Zakes remembers when he and two other lads from his class at Birley school were invited impromptu by a girl and two other lasses from the same class to one of them there Hassall Houses on the Weakland Estate that had just been newly built. Aware Zakes and the other lads from class punctually arrived on time rubbing their hands in delight or maybe to warm them up for what was hopefully to come. We were allowed admittance, the lights were then turned low, we paired off and some serious french kissing and some very serious canoodling ensued. Due to reasons of censorship it would be best to curtail this memory right NOW!!... Ugh...

 

P.S To avoid embarrassment and the divorce courts your secret is safe with me. So just relax Lynn, Lesley and Julie.

[algy 11]

Hackenthorpe. 1961 - 62 was the time i arrived at Birley Spa Junior Schooel much to their pleasure (i think). Having just left Rainbow Forge Infants (pond with goldfish and lotus leaves) i was ready for a fresh challenge and to meet new pals. Feeling confident having mastered Janet&John, Chicken Licken etc i stepped forth.

 

seeing the names :janet & john: brings back memorys. i have 3 boys under 10 and would love to get hold of some books from the janet & john series, to show them what their dad learnt from at school. if anyone knows where any copys can be obtianed from, please let me know.

 

Available from Amazon. Just do a book search for Janet and John. Ignore the stray entries for Wogan!)

[zakes 68]

TREAD ON A LINE YOU MARRY A SWINE

 

The darkness was looming so we decided to get weaving. We were softly threading a zig zag path toward a certain garden in the Cotleigh sector of Hackenthorpe. This botanic paradise had come to the attention of Zakes during a previous daring adventure in the area some 57 moons ago. The warm weather had arrived and with it the scrumping season had also come upon us. It was June in the year of 1964 that Zakes and his two pals (Brave pal and Yitten pal) agreed to completely denudate the garden of it's strawberry crop. The Yitten pal was to play the part of sentinel and to give us a quick but audible pssst pssst if any whistle blower should appear on the scene. Zakes and Brave pal dressed in dark garb had begun to crawl through the thick thorny hawthorn hedge and within 57 seconds found themselves inside the garden. They continued to crawl sidewinder style through the marrow be, then left of the cucumber patch, past the pumpkins on the right of the goose gog bushes that were 2 ells in front of the strawberries situated by the coconut trees west of the cactusses! Zakes and Brave pal rested for a moment or two, heard no warning from Yitten pal so continued to forge ahead finally reaching their target. They both became aware of a fluttering sound in the strawberry patch and realised a bird was caught up in the net protecting the said fruit. Closer inspection revealed the bird to be a shytehawk. Zakes quickly reached into his trouser pocket on the right and withdrew a Swiss army knife that was made by Almsley & Co. of Sheffield and promptly began to cut the netting to free the freetened bird. Three seconds short of a minute later the bird was freed and it scampered away without a word of thanks (why do i bother?). Zakes and Brave pal were much angered by the house (garden) holder who had put the netting there because the bird must have struggled for some hours because it was already dark and it is a well known fact that shytehawks return to their nests long before the close of the day. Zakes and Brave pal held a short whispered confab and it was decided that there was not going to be strawberry shortcake for tea tomorrow because the strawbs were to be used for another purpose. They intently picked two generous handfuls each then swiftly approached the living room window of the house with the light on and from a distance of nine feet or it might have been three yards proceeded to bombard the pane with juicy strawberries which offered a perfect colour match with the red velvet curtains hanging within! In retreat the red handed two made sure to wreak as much as havoc as possible, so the egg plants were trampled along with the aubergines. Arriving on the safe side of the hawthorn hedge Zakes and Brave pal discovered that Yitten pal had already skedaddled!...Ugh.

[zakes 68]

NOT QUITE SALAD DAYS

 

Some of Zakes' friends from Birley School treated their homes like hotels. These lads (and some lasses) would return home from swimming, football, the pictures, ten pin bowling, scrumping, bike riding, conkering, bird nesting, kite fling, bulrushing (good for dusting ceiling lampshades), manking, or straight from school. Instead of eating the wholesome meal provided by mums that could quite possible be roast pork with trimmings, or maybe roast beef with trimmings or it could well be something delicious like roast lamb with trimmings too. They would demand alphabet spaghetti, beans on toast or something like egg, bacon, sausage, mushrooms with tomatoes and fried bread smothered under a massive splodge of brown sauce. Of course their obsequious mothers would grant their wishes, and by doing so it would encourage these spoilt brats to continue acting like......well yeah......spoilt brats! If Zakes would have wanted that type of life he would of had to trade in his mother for another one because she certainly didn't put up with these sort of demands, and if Zakes would have tried he'd have caught a 'fourpenny one' for sure! In Zakes' household it was a case of tea on the table at 5 o'clock, who's there gets and and who's late or not there will receive nowt (not even warmed up later)! However Zakes' mother did make exotic meals like turnip, spuds and carrots mashed up together with a morsel of fatty tripe or cow heel on the side without splodge! Now and again Zakes would pal up with one of the lads in class and play subbuteo, tiddlywinks, dibs and such like games at the lads house until it was tea time, then Zakes would be invited by a kind well turned ankled mother to tuck into a plate of beans on toast, with a massive splodge too!......Yum.

[Lostrider 10]

Zakes, I love reading your stuff. It's like living my youth at acky bottom all over again. I had to reply so I get an email when you post again. I cant work out who you are but I know everybody you do. I think you may be a bit older than me though. I love the word "Yitten" nobody called me that since I was a lad. :-)

Sid, Sid the Coppers kid.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Lostrider

[zakes 68]

LOVE YOU MOTHER?

 

Zakes doesn't seem to remember receiving very many cuddles from his mother during his childhood. Perhaps she had difficulty showing feelings of tenderness. She must of had her moments though, because she managed to have a quartet of children, 3 boys and a girl, and Zakes was the most handsome of the lot it is believed. Zakes' mother was one of those 'swift to chide, slow to bless' types which meant she and Zakes were destined to have one or two (thousand) disagreements during his young years. Zakes' mother was somewhat astringent, sometimes austere other times stern and in a quiet moment slightly harsh. If Zakes would have been ran over by a van, car, bus, milkfloat, charabanc or possibly a landrover she would have given him a 15 minute tongue lashing before summoning an ambulance. Zakes vividly recalls a happening in winter 1962 when he was ready to leave for school at Birley Spa and his mother noticed his shoes were muddied. She told him to polish them and not to forget the soles. He duly obliged and bade farewell and moved to make his egression leaving black polish foot steps on the new beige coloured carpet that was fitted four days earlier. She screamed at Zakes and to his perplexity gave him a thick ear. After all she did say not to forget the soles. Then on another occasion Zakes had heard one of the boys at school use a term he had not heard before and didn't understand. When Zakes got home after school and eager to watch Ten Town on the telly he first asked his mother what jam rag meant? That earned Zakes a very heavy handed thick ear. During this period Zakes had noticed the thick ears were coming thick and fast and if it continued he would end up having collyflour ears and would qualify to play rugby at flyhalf for the Hackenthorpe Scrummers! Zakes admits that if he was to be punished he would prefer it to be instant and not have to hear 'wait till your father gets home'. Zakes also admits that there was good times too and counted himself very fortunate. In the mornings his mother would make his Society of Friends oats for free, the laundering was for free, free also the ironing and the bed making plus clothing and Zakes also got 2 Bob spending money to lash out on spice when the mobile shop arrived on Fridays. Fridays were also very good because it meant a fry up for tea, and the Aussie Childrens Adventure programmes followed by Crackerjack on telly and tomorrow being Saturday meant Rex matinee day with a ha'penny worth of scraps from the chippy on Stanhope Road or the one on Birley Moor road on the way home......Ah.

[Lostrider 10]

LOVE YOU MOTHER?

 

If Zakes would have been ran over by a van, car, bus, milkfloat, charabanc or possibly a landrover she would have given him a 15 minute tongue lashing before summoning an ambulance.

 

They were hard mothers in them days Zakes. I remember coming off me Vespa 150 on Church Lane. Leant it over too far, going too fast, hit the gritty patch and that was it. Scooter hits wall. I ends up on other side of wall.

 

I gets home with cracked crash helmet, dented side panels, blood running down my arm from a gash in on my elbow. What does me mother say? she gives me a right tongue lashing for ripping me bomber jacket she only just finished paying for from Burlingtons catalogue. Mothers, you got to love em. :-)

[Tangerine 10]

I cant help thinkin about a similar story..,. I was playing in the back yard of my friend, we were two 8 year old girls (Titterton Street, Attercliffe) and this little lad next door starting tormenting us. I pulled my tongue out at him and he picked up a stone and threw it at me. I ducked and it hit my friends window and broke it! My dad had to pay for a new pane cos I was blamed for "duckin"!!

[zakes 68]

I ALWAYS FORGET THAT I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY

 

The sun had gone to bed and the moon took over the late shift. Life was good to Zakes, no thick ear for a week. The agreeable weather in Fruehling 1965 had drawn Zakes and his mates out of their pigeon huts on Newstead Rise to play a game or two of Commandos which is a version of Hide and Seek. The hiders had to return to homebase before being spotted and having his or her named called by the seeker(it). Commandos was slightly different in that on returning to home base the hiders were not allowed to run, walk or jump, but to crawl only. When the game started Zakes soon found himself inside a clump of Cleome plants and surrounded by 4 Redwood trees. From his position Zakes could clearly see the home base of the day which was a 57 feet high telegraph pole. This tall home base was chosen at random, it could have easily been a street light, a grate, a van with or without a long wheel base, a steamroller, a black car or a red white or blue one, a hearse, a landau, a shooting brake with 2 orange coloured coulters or just maybe a garridge door. As time marched slowly by Zakes was the only hider left as the others hadn't been cautious and had been spotted and their names were called out by the seeker. Surely but slowly, Zakes unclumsily crawled forward fitting in with the flora and the plant life. The barbed wire laden fencing protecting the garden of Mr Applepolisher gave Zakes a momentary problem until he withdrew wire cutters made in Sheffield by Mylesal & Co. from his right hand side pocket and snipped through the made in Tinsley barbed wire. Mr Applepolisher grew many citrus plants and trees in his garden, lemons, limes, grapefruit, calamondin and oranges. Mr Applepolisher had recently migrated to Sheffield from Western Israel, from the city of Jaffa. Zakes decided to use the adjoining garden to continue his way back to home base. This next botanical patch belonged to Miss Auk who had also come to Newstead Rise from a far away land. The ever horn rimmed bespectacled Miss Auk grew some vegetables and fruit. Zakes soon traversed this garden to the far corner and paused for a moment by the Kiwi fruit bushes. Undetected by the seeker Zakes gained access on to a gravel path and crawling ever closer toward the telegraph pole home base. Slithering along with chin almost on the ground Zakes arrived at the kerbside of the road where he lived, then adroitly rolled underneath a non moving removals lorry that was parked there for the night. Zakes reached home base shortly aftrwards, winning the game as usual. Arriving home at 20:57 Zakes' mum was pleasantly surprised to see her son home early for a change. She asked in a mild tempered way if he had been behaving himself whilst out playing. He replied in the affirmative. Unfortunately, she became aware of an unpleasant smell and observed Zakes' brand new russet coloured pullover had some new colour added to it and asked him if he had seen any dogs that evening? WALLOP!! Ugh......

[zakes 68]

SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF A BARREL.

 

Some more in(s)ane sing-a-longs from early to mid 60s. Your tune, your tempo, your volume. You can also hum = sing with closed lips.

 

1. Build a bonfire, build a bonfire

Put the teachers on the top

Put the prefects in the middle

And burn the ruddy lot.

 

2. Half a pound of Mandy Rice

Half a pound of Keeler

One and six to look at her

Three bob to feel her.

 

3. I'm Popeye the sailor man

I live in a spinach can

There's a hole in the middle

Where i can tiddle

I'm Popeye the sailor man

PEEP PEEP!

 

4. I'm Popeye the sailor man

I live in a spinach can

I love to go swimmin'

With plenty of bare women

I'm popeye the sailor man

PEEP PEEP!!

 

Must do better!!! Ugh.