I've Just Had Some Horrible News - How Can I Help My Friend?

[nuttygirl 10]

A very close friend of mine recently split with his wife of some years, and I've let him have my spare room so far for a few days while he underwent a 'trial seperation'. His wife went away on holiday to 'clear her head' and I've just had the awful news from him that she was found dead in her hotel room, causes unknown. It's strongly likely she committed suicide, as she was on some strong painkillers for medical problems.

 

I really don't know what to say to him - he's obviously distraught, blaming himself etc (he instigated the split). What can I do or say to help? I feel so helpless and want to DO something.

 

Does anyone know of any online help/support out there, or has anyone been through anything similar?

[laughalot01 10]

that is terrible news hope he is ok he seriously needs to be told he isnt tto blame an just be there for him if he needs some one xx

[Guest]

at the end of the day. he is not directly to blame for any decision she has made. She was not a child. and if she has indeed committed suicide then it was her choice to do so.

 

It would be unnatural for him to not feel guilty given the circumstances you have explained. I expect he will feel terrible for a very long time.

 

I don't think there is anything specific you can do to help. Just be there for him if he wants to talk, cry. I think the best thing will be to simply listen.

 

He needs reassuring that it is not his fault. Many many couples go through similar situations in relationships and i doubt many end this way. It certainly is not his fault.

[Gormenghast 59]

 

Does anyone know of any online help/support out there, or has anyone been through anything similar?

 

Has he tried ringing The Samariatans?

[Minimo 59]

That's really sad and he is lucky to have you to support him.

Are there any young children?

You might find it helpful to have a look at Cruse, which offers help to bereaved people.Try:

crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Telephone 08444779400

[nuttygirl 10]

(Fortunately?) he doesn't have children - his wife had serious long-term medical problems, and he was having to care for both his wife and father-in-law. I am so worried for him as not only with having to cope with losing his wife (even though their relationship was over), he now has to not only deal with all the practical stuff (funeral, the house, pets etc) but also now he will have to arrange for care for his father-in-law, as he works full time.

 

The strange thing is, all this probably hasn't arisen to him yet, and I'm worrying about all this on his behalf...

[Big Boy 10]

A very close friend of mine recently split with his wife of some years, and I've let him have my spare room so far for a few days while he underwent a 'trial seperation'. His wife went away on holiday to 'clear her head' and I've just had the awful news from him that she was found dead in her hotel room, causes unknown. It's strongly likely she committed suicide, as she was on some strong painkillers for medical problems.

 

I really don't know what to say to him - he's obviously distraught, blaming himself etc (he instigated the split). What can I do or say to help? I feel so helpless and want to DO something.

 

Does anyone know of any online help/support out there, or has anyone been through anything similar?

 

You cant do a thing, just be there for him.

[nuttygirl 10]

I managed to get to see him yesterday - the strange thing is I'm more upset for him than he seems to be - I think he's still in shock

[Big Boy 10]

I managed to get to see him yesterday - the strange thing is I'm more upset for him than he seems to be - I think he's still in shock

 

Shock can be a real bitch.

Sometimes worse than a physical injury. If it were me id be trying to behave as normal as possible and wait for the inevitable flood gates to open then just be there for him. You sound a caring sort so i figure hes going to be alright with you helping him. He just needs to grieve then get on with it.

[mc55 10]

you often find that people are able to manage grief until after the practicalities of making all the arrangements, as they are able to keep themselves 'busy'. He will need you more than ever when it eventually hits him.

[medusa 16]

Human brains and emotions are strange things and guilt is one of the strangest of them all. If you're the sort of person who struggles with guilt (as I am) then you'd be amazed at the number of things that guilt can invade.

 

It's very likely that your friend will feel guilty no matter what circumstances become evident around his wife's death. If she committed suicide then he will feel to blame for her death, if it's found that she didn't then he will feel to blame for her being there in the first place, if she were to be found to have a medical problem which was undetected then he'll probably blame himself for not having spotted it.

 

I fought really hard against blaming myself for my boyfriend's death when he died in a bike crash 3 years ago. My thinking was that he wouldn't have been where he was if he wasn't coming to mine for tea, therefore he wouldn't have been at the same risk. However, he passed the same spot regularly before without being involved in an accident and he was a very careful rider. Was it my fault that he made a lapse of judgment (or had a rabbit run out in front of him, or slipped on leaves, or whatever)? Of course not- but the guilt was there anyway.

 

My advice would be to be there for your friend in the best way you can, but also to find out some specialist help for him when it is appropriate for him.

 

I found CRUSE helped me, but there is also a support network specifically for those bereaved by suicide which may help him or help to support you in supporting him.

 

http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/index.htm

 

I wish you the strength and compassion to help him through what must be the hardest of times for him.

[ukstudent 10]

He is very lucky to have you as a friend