Who has the most slappable face in entertainment?

[Carmine 10]

Originally posted by timo

In Richard and Judy's case, I would add a refinement of cruelty in that, prior to your beer-crazed 'war dance', the ghastly pair are rolled naked in stinging nettles.

That's rather harsh, making someone see the pair of them naked!

[Dug 10]

Another vote for Clarkson.

[Swan_Vesta 11]

Originally posted by timo

Swan Vesta,

Did you know that the 'Crazy Frog's' horrible, fleshy features and deformed genitalia were modelled on those of Jade Goody? The Bermondsey 'minger' is clearly genetic refuse, and does indeed deserve several slaps.

 

Thank you Timo. I was unaware that the annoying thing was spawned from the minging thing. Hopefully Essex's favorite daughters genetic strain will do the decent thing and wither sparing us all from a future of pigfaced "Celebrity" appearances.

 

I'll take this opportunity to nominate the hither to unmentioned John Prescott (primarily politics I know but at a certain level he spills over into entertainment) .

 

Most of the people we have forwarded are a bit wet and would probably sit there and just take it. Prescott on the other hand would put up a bit of a struggle - I think he'd be a handful when roused and would be a worthy opponent.

 

Think of the sport of administering a slap to a cowering Sue Pollard and then think of the glory in planting a blow on Labours mighty pugilist. No contest really.

[timo 10]

Thankyou, dear hearts, for your witty vituperation and contributions to the savage merriment of this thread.

 

I am seated in my sun-bathed office this morning, meditating upon the eternal verities in that sweet mood , as Wordsworth said, 'when pleasant thoughts bring sad thoughts to the mind'. How can I be sad sitting here, surrounded by drafts of my beloved research, as the piping, fluting songs of Greenfinches from the gardens below mingle with the sound of a recording of 'The Pirates of Penzance'? I am saddened, dear beautiful people of the forum, because I reflect that the Savoy operas of Gilbert and Sullivan [the apotheosis of humane, liberal bourgeois culture] are little known even to the intellectual classes today. In contrast, 'reality television', particularly 'Big Brother' serves to fascinate and deprave millions of my fellow English.

 

Would a mere 'slap' suffice for the menagerie of freaks and grotesques that is 'Big Brother'? One reflects that even a Japanese open-handed blow capable of producing the abject agony of severe neuralgia for days would not be punishment enough for the likes of Jade Goody and the various transgendered, lobotomised, possibly cloned beings that lewdly disport themselves in that house of the blackest infamy. What is called for is condign revenge, and fitting public spectacle.

 

Some may remember my contribution, made in good faith, towards the debate around crime and the burgeoning Underclass recently. In short, I recommended the return of a variation upon Bull-baiting, substituting 'chavs' for the unfortunate bovine victims of yore. May we extend this to the 'Big Brother' contestants? Perhaps we could use a disused stadium, such as Chesterfield Football Club's ground, and pit the 'Jades' of the world 'gainst savage bull-and-terrier dogs. I recommend the use of the notorious 'Red Nose' [nothing to do with 'Comic Relief', to say the least...] strain of American Pitbull Terrier, known to have bested the Timber Wolf in combat. Imagine the roars of the baying crowd as the dogs are 'entered to quarry'. After the closure of the Stadium, the night would be still rent with the ghostly screams of stricken 'reality tv celebrities' that had expired in floods of entrail and gore.

 

Ah, how the imaginary scene causes great pleasure! My sadness is replaced by contentment and joy. The research can wait. All that bloodthirstiness has given me an appetite. The morning is yet young, and I shall dine upon my sausage sandwich wilth great gusto today.

[Ousetunes 10]

Can I play? Come on, line 'em up.

 

Firstly, Natalie ImbrUGLIER. Don't twinkle yer eyelashes at me lady. Bazaaam. Ouch. It'd be a kind of Laurel and Hardy one hand on each cheek slap, or like those coloured Mitchellin Men in the video to New Order's True Faith, slapping each other with great gusto. Infact, set the metronome going and let's get slapping.

 

Secondly, Maria Carey. Ah, that cute Little Doll face. Just the one almighty slap would see to her. Oh and one in the gob to put a stop to all her constant bastardising of what were once upon a time, nice songs.

 

Thirdly, Carol Vorderman. I actually felt sorry for her yesterday as she was in tears because Richard Whiteley had died. I think she was only crying because she wasn't the centre of attention.

 

Oh and whilst I'm on, Miss Vorderman, no, I don't want a loan.

 

Finally for now, Blair's EX press secretary Alistair Campbell who's got it in his thick skull that he's

 

a) a politician; and

 

b) relevant, when he's

 

c) neither.

 

I'd put gloves on in this case.

 

Ring that bell, someone.

[Lestat 10]

1. Victoria Beckham

2. George Bush

3. Tony Blair

4. Tony Adams - for that unforgivable foul that ruined David Hirst's career.

5. Every single one of the Sheff Utd team.

 

[timo 10]

Another face that I cannot abide belongs to Alan Davies, 'the thinking woman's crumpet', comedian and actor. He is so patronising to women [almost as bad as the unctious creeping to the female gender engaged in by Ben Elton ], and his hair is so appallingly, fluffily girly . Like some Spaniel puppy, he bounds on stage, desperate to be loved. How many red-blooded heterosexual women would want a neutred, beige-coloured, floppy-haired ponce like Davies?

 

Women of the forum, gorgeous creatures all, beware of creepy 'New Men' who 'empathise' with 'womens' issues', and boast about 'finding' their 'feminine side'. They are after your knitting patterns, nothing else!

[sheff_minx 10]

- Jodie Marsh

- Jordan

- Alan Titchmarsh

- Charlie Dimmock

- Cliff Richard

- Tara Palmer-Tompkinson

- Patsy Palmer

- The Cast of Eastenders (Jim and Patrick excluded but Pauline to be given their slaps)

- Linda Barker

- Lawrence Llwellyn-Bowen

- Ex-Big Brother Contestants and other Reality TV Stars

- "The King of Chavs" (that guy who won the lottery - not technically a celebrity but he's been in the papers a lot and deserves a slap!)

 

and many many more that I simply do not have time to list...

[timo 10]

Superb list, Sheff Minx. I notice Titchmarsh features in there, as he has in previous lists of those who thoroughly deserve a vicious, repeated slapping.

 

Titmarsh and the mannish redhead, Dimmock had the most revolting 'sexual chemistry' on Groundforce. He seemed to be constantly leering at her, as she 'accidentally' bent over to reveal underwear, or contorted herself in the most unseemly and undignified ways. One can imagine Titchmarsh's pathetic fantasies involving goatish couplings with 'Charlie' in greenhouses, on patios, in wheelbarrows, astride miniature conifers etc. He seems to have found an outlet for his lechery in writing soft porn novels these days. What a lascivious, smirking, sweaty, dwarfish little toad he is!

[JBee 10]

What I would really like to do is take a large wet (dead) fish, possibly a trout or seabass, and give that cretinous berk Chris Moyles a damn good hiding with it.

 

After belting him a good few times round those flabby chops, I would then shove it so far down his throat that he could never inflict himself on us, via the airwaves, again.

 

"The savoiur of Radio one"???

 

What is the world coming to?

 

He prays on vulnerable people who haven't got their wits about them cause they've just woken up, his arrogance is unmistakable, his sense of humour varies between schoolyard and non-existant, and you can hear the fat vibrating round his body as he speaks.

 

A foul example of a human being. Give that man a slap!!!!

[DanSumption 10]

Originally posted by timo

What a lascivious, smirking, sweaty, dwarfish little toad he is!

I think you'll find that's "gnomish" rather than dwarfish.

[LordChaverly 10]

Some excellent candidates for a well deserved and vigorous slapping here. My own impromptu list is:

 

Titchmarsh;

Skinner;

Parkinson;

Dawn French;

The red haired gnome from Simply Red (can’t even remember his name);

Llwellyn-Bowen;

Robbie Williams;

Geldof;

Bono;

The Labour cabinet (all of them);

Anna Kournikova (on her rear end and over my knee)

 

PS, I know the thread refers to entertainers, but I think the current Labour cabinet qualifies on the grounds that it is full of jokers