Should I pay for their food when my kids stay with their dad?

[Tradescanthia 10]

To stoop to the level of 'who feeds the kids ?' is beyond my comprehension and disgusts me. I have been a parent for 40 years and would be totally ashamed to get involved in a situation like this. My post was intended to be rude. Children always come first in our way of thinking and despite what we as parents thought or did, the kids welfare was paramount.

[hatter 10]

Would you care to explain to me how my efforts to negotiate a reasonable balance of care and commitment from their dad make me a bad parent? Or should I let my 'pride' stop me from questioning anything he demands in order to get back at me because he is bitter?

 

My kids' welfare is the most important thing here, I agree- if I was worried that they weren't going to get fed at their dad's, they would be arriving with carrier bags of food...but then, if it came to that, I would seriously be questioning whether he was responsible enough to have them in the first place.

 

You say you have been a parent for 40 years- well done. Maybe you have been lucky enough to have the support of a caring, capable partner, maybe not- I won't make a sweeping generalisation about you except to say that I found your post very insulting.

[Corbyn 10]

hatter, I would ignore the comments of Nimrod and don't even reply to his/hers posts. Out of all the people who have posted on this thread there is only one with Nimrod's opinion and that's Nimrod. I wonder why???

 

It sounds like you have a valid point and it also sounds like you are being very reasonable. I too agree that whilst the children are with their father, he should feed them. There are many budget meals he could feed them. I hope you've got the reassurance you need from people's replies.

[Tradescanthia 10]

Would you care to explain to me how my efforts to negotiate a reasonable balance of care and commitment from their dad make me a bad parent? Or should I let my 'pride' stop me from questioning anything he demands in order to get back at me because he is bitter?

 

My kids' welfare is the most important thing here, I agree- if I was worried that they weren't going to get fed at their dad's, they would be arriving with carrier bags of food...but then, if it came to that, I would seriously be questioning whether he was responsible enough to have them in the first place.

 

You say you have been a parent for 40 years- well done. Maybe you have been lucky enough to have the support of a caring, capable partner, maybe not- I won't make a sweeping generalisation about you except to say that I found your post very insulting.

 

My apologies to you hatter, you have obviously got your work cut out dealing with your ex and you are right to question his right to have the kids visit him in the first place. Whether he is depressed or not, he still has to provide for his children and it sounds as if he is 'lashing out at you' and using the kids as a weapon to do it.

Situations such as this where innocent kids are 'used' by parents make me angry and I unreservedly apologise for being rude and ignorant.

It sounds as if you have got enough on your plate without me chucking my two pennorth in. I hope you can resolve the matter without too much distress to the youngsters. Sorry.

[Zebra 10]

I've been trying to think of a way to point out how impressed I am at how this thread has changed, but I can't find a way of expressing it which will sound right to everyone involved.

 

A simple smiley is too short and the SF bot will get me but now, with an explanation

[Plain Talker 11]

I agree with others' sentiments that, if he can afford to "socialise", then he can afford to keep his kids when the are there.

 

When my step lads were small, their welfare (food, heat and clothing) came before any socialising, and we didn't get any extra to keep the second lad when his dad had access to him.

 

We went without to ensure the kids didn't!

[posthere 10]

I have just picked my boys up from their dad's- we have recently separated and are all adjusting to the new situation- he has had them 4 nights in the last month (always when it suits him, not me). Anyway he said that because he gets no money towards them in benefits (he is on the dole) that I should provide their food when they are at his. I pay for everything they need, drive them to dad's, pick them up, make sure they have enough clean clothing for the stay and bring the dirty laundry home as he doesn't have a washing machine. I take them to all their hospital appointments etc- he doesn't drive so it's down to me to get them out of the city on days out etc. I understand that money is tight for him but he still goes out socialising, is talking about having a holiday- it's none of my business how he funds this, but I think it's his responsibility to provide for them while they're in his care.

 

I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this- he has had a difficult year with his mum dying, being made redundant- I know he's depressed and has reason to be- I could afford to pay even though I'm a carer and not in work, but how many allowances should I make?

 

You get the child benefits for them. You pay. He's not working so will have just enough money to live on. Split the child benefit?

[Plain Talker 11]

You get the child benefits for them. You pay. He's not working so will have just enough money to live on. Split the child benefit?

 

The ex is the father, as such, does he not have some responsibility toward keeping the child(ren) he fathered? Or is it suddenly OK to absolve yourself of any responsibilities toward them, these days?

[jl-heating 10]

You get the child benefits for them. You pay. He's not working so will have just enough money to live on. Split the child benefit?

 

i agree, the child beniefit is for the kids so who ever has the kids should have access to the money.

the dole is barely enough to live on without having to feed extra mouths.

 

bear in mind though its always hard when a relation ship breaks up and there are no winners.

[chem1st 10]

I suppose you should give him 1/7 of the weekly child benefit to go towards their upkeep whilst in his care if he is looking after them 1/7 of the time.

 

But if he can afford a holiday then he should be able to put food on the table.

[jl-heating 10]

dont forget women will always have a different perspective of this than a man .

 

we are worlds appart.

[hatter 10]

Just want to say thankyou to Nimrod for the apology and the PM

 

And thanks to the others for your opinions and perspective-

 

splitting the child benefit proportionately may be an option, but he will have to bear in mind that the food on the table is only a part of the cost of bringing up children...anyway I have picked them up today after a night at their dad's- no mention of money and they had a good time which is what is most important- I think it's really important to my ex too, to have them around- I know that he does miss them and they miss him of course....what a mess it has been! Like I said, early days and no doubt more tricky situations to come...