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How do I get over it?

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Recently I got back with an ex after 9 years apart. I have always loved him deep down, and after 4 months, things were really intense. Over the years, we have had flings, but he had issues form his past that he never seemed to deal with that affected any potential relationship we could ever have had. Earlier this year... we decided to give it another go...as things seemed to be looking up for him.

 

He has problems with drinking, and we were trying to work through them.

We had a bit of a bad patch due to arguing when he had been drinking and we spent almost a week apart. Then last sunday he calls me to say he wants to make a proper go of it and stop being silly and stop drinking etc. We spent Monday and Tuesday together, then Wednesday he had the doctors.

 

The doctor signed him off work sick for a few days, and he was going on about how he couldn't go out of the house in the heat etc, as doc had told him to as he had dizzy spells. He was telling me rather than move in together, we should stay living apart until his anti depressants have kicked in. The doctor also gave him some tablets to stop him from drinking.

 

While we were talking, I said he needed to start being straight with me, and tell me how he feels, rather than jump in and say he wants to live with me, then live apart. I said we needed to talk. Next thing he's walking down the street while I was on the phone to him, when he was meant to be waiting for me to pick him up to talk. I asked where he was going and he said to a mates.... thing is he hasn't really seen any mates since we were together as the ones he is mates with are his drinking buddies. He wouldn't tell me where he was going and told him to drop his clothes off at his. I did so, and I posted him a letter saying he has to be straight and I love him more than anything, but I need help understanding him. I said if he didn't start opening up, we were a non- starter and may as well end it. He ignored me for 2 days, then texted saying I was right and we were over.

 

I'm devastated.

Usually when I read threads like this.. I think "get a grip", but I feel so empty.

I went out Friday to try and get on with things, and I kept breaking down crying. I can't eat- and when I do I am being sick. I can't understand why when we talked kids and marraige, and being together, he has changed his mind so drastically! He won't explain a thing, just keeps saying we are so different. I don't understand how he can go from me being the centre of his world, to nothing.

 

I can't get my head straight, I keep crying and in my heart I know he will wake up in a few weeks and realise what he has done and regret it. But I need closure. I need him to either tell me that give it a few weeks for tablets to kick in, and the try again, or to tell me why we are over for good?

He just keep ssaying he's not going over it again. I told him yesterday I wasn't going to contact him again, and he then texted me, with a daft question, as though he was looking for an excuse.

 

I just don't know how to move on. Today I have gone and done the shopping, cos I'm not eating and want to start getting on with things, now I'm sat here just crying crazily. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up and have forgotten everything, but I can't do it. My friends are saying to go out on a date, or to get a rebound, but I don't want any of these things. People say to give it time, yet I feel my heart has been ripped out and I have no idea who to turn to, what to do etc

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oh relost hun, i really feel for you. it seems what your goin through is heartbreaking. you just have to take one day at a time sweetheart you will have bad days then better days. probably a good thing try not to txt him, it will give you both time to see how you feel.

The thing is if he wants you back at some point he may hurt you again, how many times will you let him do this.

i know it is easy for me to say all this i'm going through much the same with someone close to me and she says the same as you have about food and not wanting to go out. Drink usually makes you feel worse.

try to do the things you like doing pamper yourself a bit. keep your chin up chick we are all here for you.

Helen xx

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I think most of us have been in similar situations over the years. Time definitely helps, but takes a while. In the meantime I'd recommend you keep yourself as busy as possible, fill your social diary if you can and keep occupied. Maybe take up a new hobby ?

 

There is something to be said for crying and getting it all out. Maybe when you are empty, you'll be able to get things in perspective and 'harden' your heart a little.

 

I hope the pain eases

mc x

Edited by mc55

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Right firstly may I just say destiny took a swift turn on you the thing is personally I believe that if a relationship breaks up its best that its gets left where it is the reason being that too many feelings are stored deep inside that at some point in the relationship will throw a spanner into the works.

 

the thing im thinking by what you have explained is that this bloke is far more clued up then he lets on and he loves you too much to risk hurting you again I mean it maybe wrong but it seems that this lad is just too pride or whatever to admit that he cant trust hiself with regards to drinking etc and he just cant take the risk of hurting someone he loves so much.

 

The thing with issues like that is no amount of effort could remedy this things like this will either iron its way out or you will eventually see that its for the best and not because of something thats not right.

 

Sometimes as much as things hurt its the best way its just so hard to see that its the way forward.

 

If i was in your position i would be thinking that maybe i should just offer this person some support and let them fill the rest in.

 

About eating i know its difficult but you must still try because lack of food does contribute to the way you feel emotionally aswell as other things.

 

 

GOOD LUCK

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Right firstly may I just say destiny took a swift turn on you the thing is personally I believe that if a relationship breaks up its best that its gets left where it is the reason being that too many feelings are stored deep inside that at some point in the relationship will throw a spanner into the works.

 

the thing im thinking by what you have explained is that this bloke is far more clued up then he lets on and he loves you too much to risk hurting you again I mean it maybe wrong but it seems that this lad is just too pride or whatever to admit that he cant trust hiself with regards to drinking etc and he just cant take the risk of hurting someone he loves so much.

 

The thing with issues like that is no amount of effort could remedy this things like this will either iron its way out or you will eventually see that its for the best and not because of something thats not right.

 

Sometimes as much as things hurt its the best way its just so hard to see that its the way forward.

 

If i was in your position i would be thinking that maybe i should just offer this person some support and let them fill the rest in.

 

About eating i know its difficult but you must still try because lack of food does contribute to the way you feel emotionally aswell as other things.

 

 

GOOD LUCK

 

 

Thanks. I have offered my support though, at first we were meant to be gettign through it together.. now he doesn't want to. I love him so much.. I just don't understand it all. If it was the other way round, I'd take his support.

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if it is meant to be, then it shall be just that. give it some time and maybe it will work itself out, wait for the anti depressants to kick in.

 

I have to say though, i have always believed that if it didnt work the first time round, then why would it the second time?

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Ill be straight with you here I used to be a alchoholic and If I thought that there was any risk of going back to it believe me id leave the woman i love so much on the simple basis that i wouldnt be able to trust myself and be sure i wouldnt hurt her so even if she offered me the support i dont think in my own mind id be able to accept it even if i wanted to simply because i wouldnt allow myself to drag her down with me.

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Contact one of the local centres for relatives of alcohol abusers and ask for advice - I get the feeling the next time you two talk to each other should be with a trained alcohol and relationships counsellor present.

 

You're not going to be fit enough to begin to deal with this, whichever way it goes, unless you are really looking after yourself.

Edited by Darth Vader

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Thanks guys. I understand what you are saying Locaiton114, maybe I don't see it cos I don't have a drink problem. BUt I just beleieve if you love someone you work at it, you don't throw the towel in.

I should add that he was meant to be taking his tablets from Wednesday to not drink, and he was out Friday night drinking and Saturday day a mate of mine says he was in the pub. I don't understand, he said he wanted to stop drinking. A few weeks ago when we were together, he went 2 weeks without a drink, ehe went through withdrawals and I was there for him and helped him. I don't see why now is different

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Guy sounds like a loser, you dont. You do better.

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Hiya babe!

You know what I`m gonna say don`t you?

You deserve better than this, whilever he`s drinking theres gonna be problems.

He needs to sort this out, but sounds like he`s not ready.

When he hits rock bottom he`ll realise he has to get off his arse and do something about it.

I know its hard cos you love him but, don`t let him drag you down mate.

Surround yourself with people that care about and love you and ry to move on as best you can. When he`s sorted himself out he may just realise what he had.

If you need to chat ****, you know where to find me XXX

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Hiya babe!

You know what I`m gonna say don`t you?

You deserve better than this, whilever he`s drinking theres gonna be problems.

He needs to sort this out, but sounds like he`s not ready.

When he hits rock bottom he`ll realise he has to get off his arse and do something about it.

I know its hard cos you love him but, don`t let him drag you down mate.

Surround yourself with people that care about and love you and ry to move on as best you can. When he`s sorted himself out he may just realise what he had.

If you need to chat ****, you know where to find me XXX

 

 

Thanks mate, all I ever seem to do is talk, and it's not getting me anywhere. I just cry loads. I suppose I know I can do better, but I don't want better, I want him. I would do anything to try and make it work. I know I must look really sad , but I'm at my wits end! All I do is finish work, and then get in bed, watch TV and sleep. My friends want to do things, but the conversation always turns to him then I go home even more upset. I wish I could feel better about all of this

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