The Intruder - short story - January 09

[Ron Blanco 10]

Here's my short story contribution for January

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1233321872.doc

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

[coyleys 10]

Nice one Ron

Such a simple story but brilliantly wrote, I like the way you tell the story without telling it, and thus leaving it to the reader (I’m probably not explaining myself to well, It’s late,I am a bit tired) anyway, great stuff, I really did like this one.

[Ron Blanco 10]

Thanks Coyleys. I appreciate your comments. I'm relieved you liked it.

 

I hope you had a good night's sleep.

[Kaimani 10]

Everyone in the village carried on their peaceful existence, with only a faint howling punctuating the silence.

 

think this last line is brilliant. says it all. true, coyleys, the man has a talent for saying it all in two three words. trish looking at sarah. the stuff sarah has just tells you what you need to know without listing what she's like.

will keep an eye for your work. can learn from you.

[Tallyman 10]

Ron, Ron, Ron (da doo Ron Ron etc.)

 

Wonderful stuff! That was a joy to read, many congratulations indeed

 

I'm only sorry to have taken so long to get to it.

 

I think it's very tightly told, has a lovely piece of confusion to give the reader at least two possibilities regarding the intruder, and you top and tail it beautifully with the, er, croquet related article.

 

But just to be picky, I've a couple of questions/comments:

 

1) Why would Sarah prefer some mint tea? She's certainly well travelled, and that's important to the story, not just to explain where she'd been recently, but also to explain her collection of mementos. Does the preference for mint tea add something to her character or suggest she's a 'cut above' Tricia? Or is it just another oblique reference to her globetrotting? All the other articles have a purpose in your story, either directly or as a prompt to move the story on; I was just wondering what purpose this one served.

 

2) I'm confused about the Sarah/David/honeymoon/holiday details. If Sarah got the note two weeks after the honeymoon, then the trip she has just returned from clearly wasn't the honeymoon. However, she thanks Trish for looking after the cottage whilst 'we' were away. Have I missed something?

 

3) Finally, the only thing that jarred slightly in the narrative was the piece of exposition where Sarah mentions getting the note two weeks after the honeymoon. Trish obviously knows about this already, so Sarah is only saying it for the reader's benefit, and it comes across as unnatural. You might have solved it with a bit of extra dialogue:

 

"...I still feel sick when I think about it. I couldn't believe it when I found David's note. It was all so totally out of the blue."

 

"I'm not surprised, you'd only just been back from honeymoon, what, two weeks?"

 

Sarah nodded. "I just can't understand why he married me in the first place..."

 

Or something like that!

 

But this is just me nit-picking. It's a great story, Ron, top marks indeed!

[Ron Blanco 10]

Thanks Kaimani / Tallyman for reading the story and giving me your comments.

 

Tallyman, regarding your points:

 

Morrocan Mint Tea was just meant to add a little to her character. Plus I like it myself - it's good for the digestion, apparently.

 

Interesting that you picked up on the Sarah/David/honeymoon/holiday details. I do remember having trouble with this and perhaps Sunday night isn't the best time to rack my brains to remember what the heck had been their actual sequence of events. Maybe... Trish looked in on the cottage a couple of times whilst David/Sarah were away. She visited Sarah after Sarah received the note from her husband. Sarah had also been away with her husband prior to the honeymoon and picked up some mementos and had not had a chance to meet up with Trish since then. Does that still not work???

 

The piece of exposition was a very fair point. Laziness on my part. Your suggestion solves it very well.

 

A lot of effort you've put in there Tallyman and it's very much appreciated.

 

Thank you