jobee 10 #1 Posted October 23, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAWN At first, a misty stirring light, Dewdrops glisten, still and bright, The sun begins its dewy climb, As it’s done from dawn of time. Something stirs in the bush. Quickly silenced, not to rush. A misty meadow appears in view, Bidding the silent night adieu. Cowslips raise their sleepy heads, Mottled sunlight slowly spreads, Just a touch of gentle rain, As birds begin their ancient refrain. A young foal begins to rise, Falling against its mothers side, The air warms and starts its rise, Mist disappears in a swirling glide. The patter of rain begins to stall, Just drips and drops from branches fall, By the sides of a swirling brook, Gnats and dragonflies feed and suck. A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body chides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. The cool of morning says goodbye, As skylarks ascend to hover on high, We bid goodbye to another morn, And wait the morrows refreshing dawn. John B Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
bassplayer 10 #2 Posted November 3, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAWN At first, a misty stirring light, Dewdrops glisten, still and bright, The sun begins its dewy climb, As it’s done from dawn of time. Something stirs in the bush. Quickly silenced, not to rush. A misty meadow appears in view, Bidding the silent night adieu. Cowslips raise their sleepy heads, Mottled sunlight slowly spreads, Just a touch of gentle rain, As birds begin their ancient refrain. A young foal begins to rise, Falling against its mothers side, The air warms and starts its rise, Mist disappears in a swirling glide. The patter of rain begins to stall, Just drips and drops from branches fall, By the sides of a swirling brook, Gnats and dragonflies feed and suck. A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body chides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. The cool of morning says goodbye, As skylarks ascend to hover on high, We bid goodbye to another morn, And wait the morrows refreshing dawn. John B I am swiftly becoming a fan of your work, ..here hardly mentioning the dawn itself as such but creating a myriad of images that occur when the dawn breaks...I like that....... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
Halibut 12 #3 Posted November 3, 2008 Not sure about the sun 'chiding' the horses sides. Chide means to scold or rebuke - I'd imagine the horse would feel welcomed and warmed by the sun rather than chided. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #4 Posted November 3, 2008 I am swiftly becoming a fan of your work, ..here hardly mentioning the dawn itself as such but creating a myriad of images that occur when the dawn breaks...I like that....... Thank you bassplayer, john Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #5 Posted November 3, 2008 Not sure about the sun 'chiding' the horses sides. Chide means to scold or rebuke - I'd imagine the horse would feel welcomed and warmed by the sun rather than chided. Any better Halibut? A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body bides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
Halibut 12 #6 Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #7 Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun Good, now lets see more of it. No im not mad about bides. Can you fit in anything and still keep the rhyming couplets.j Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #8 Posted November 3, 2008 Good, now lets see more of it. No im not mad about bides. Can you fit in anything and still keep the rhyming couplets.j how about 'rides'any better han bides Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #9 Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body rides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #10 Posted November 3, 2008 A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day begun I would make day's 'day'.just a thought. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #11 Posted November 4, 2008 Not sure about the sun 'chiding' the horses sides. Chide means to scold or rebuke - I'd imagine the horse would feel welcomed and warmed by the sun rather than chided. large animals dont like the heat of the sun , it makes them sweat profusely and smell, this attracts flies which irritate them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
jobee 10 #12 Posted November 8, 2008 DAWN At first, a misty stirring light, Dewdrops glisten, still and bright, The sun begins its dewy climb, As it’s done from dawn of time. Something stirs in the bush. Quickly silenced, not to rush. A misty meadow appears in view, Bidding the silent night adieu. Cowslips raise their sleepy heads, Mottled sunlight slowly spreads, Just a touch of gentle rain, As birds begin their ancient refrain. A young foal begins to rise, Falling against its mothers side, The air warms and starts its rise, Mist disappears in a swirling glide. The patter of rain begins to stall, Just drips and drops from branches fall, By the sides of a swirling brook, Gnats and dragonflies feed and suck. A gentle steam leaves horses sides, And filtered sun their body glides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. The cool of morning says goodbye, As skylarks ascend to hover on high, We bid goodbye to another morn, And wait the morrows refreshing dawn. John B __________________ http://com4.runboard.com/bcoventryalternativeforums.f6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites Share this content via...
