Any feedback welcome

[Sheppo 10]

Have not been writing for that long and would welcome any feedback on these poems. I really enjoy writing and hope to improve so would be interested in any pointers, constructive criticism etc.

 

Twenty-five Boxes.

 

I packed up my life into twenty-five boxes,

five of them full of C.D.s.

It’s that time again, all change, let’s go.

Twenty-five boxes is all that I own.

 

Five full of books, I was quite pleased with that,

though I’m not sure I’ve read even half.

Fifteen pristine, running magazines,

now I’m damn sure I’ve never read any of these.

 

You see I’m a hoarder and that’s both bad and good

when it comes to clearing out rooms.

It will take you forever, till you’ve had enough,

but you’ll always uncover diamonds in your stuff.

 

A match programme for Wembley years ago,

Burnley, play-off final.

A signed concert ticket from Billy Bragg.

For me – it just doesn’t get any better than that.

 

A time to indulge myself a little,

laugh at old photos, sing old songs.

The old denim shirt… looks pretty bad!

I’m reminded what a **** team my primary school had.

 

Oh well, Hits Tape 7, an old cricket ball,

a diary entry most revealing.

A chance to read through Panini again

and stupid letters I’d received from old girlfriends.

 

My school scarf, man school was a laugh,

a pretty thin looking CV.

A passport belonging to someone much newer.

He’s been to more places that’s for sure.

 

Two model cars I’ve inexplicably kept,

the first Christmas card from my niece.

Memories sparked throughout the day,

now all safely stowed away.

 

And I love trips down memory lane

but I move forward and on.

To pastures new, with a girl who can

see twenty-five boxes is not all I am.

 

 

 

 

Me at 29.

 

Born Oxford 1976.

29 and playing guitar.

Beard and stupid hair,

love bad humour.

 

Lots to learn still an idiot.

Tenant, single.

Love parties and my friends.

Mingle.

 

Still a kid in many ways.

Sausage chips and beans.

Still stuck in my many ways.

Still stuck in my many ways.

Sausage chips and beans.

 

Brother son not father cousin

but ungreat with family.

My fault not theirs

really.

 

Writer, often wrong.

Redundant busker man.

Poet who stupid, stupid smokes

in rocking ska band.

 

Football, Football, Football focused was

Not now no.

Middle name Matthew, Upper valley Road,

muso.

 

Skol, Skol, Skol, Skol drinker.

Special occasional thinker.

Too many hits from the bong

Untidy Shef head, bedroom awful.

Weird this song, weird this song.

 

Bragg fan

and Bob Dylan man

Good nonce sense charm.

White, Public School.

Never any me did harm.

 

So bye bye, knackered late up now,

with word play and horse play and game play and match day

Bed just give me bed as brain stops play.

[scotty225 10]

Exeptional stuff in many ways sausage chips and beans.

I really enjoyed the second one not sure about the first though it's probably due to not getting the rhythum of the thing (cos I've got none you see) It is full of fantastic images though and like our mutual hero Dylan the colour and images you create are more important in many ways. The poems read like performance pieces and as a muso I presume thats what they are. Please post more sheppo.

[Sheppo 10]

Thanks Scotty. Yeah they are performance pieces really which means I can kind of make them fit their own tempo. The second is sung accapella. Really appreciate your positiveness and will set about putting a few more own. Cheers.

[Tallyman 10]

Hi Sheppo

 

Some really colourful images there, especially with your second piece - it feels very personal and heartfelt.

 

My feeling about poetry is that it's the best words in the best order, and parts of your poems are very striking. As Scotty says, the rhythm seems very important, and your repetitions are very striking. The 'White Public School, Never did me any harm' is very strong for me (as a white, ex public schoolboy). I get the feeling that we both think it did us some harm!

 

Some very strong resonances in both poems, and I for one am very glad you posted them. Please post more!

[seriessix 10]

Thanks Scotty. Yeah they are performance pieces really which means I can kind of make them fit their own tempo. The second is sung accapella. Really appreciate your positiveness and will set about putting a few more own. Cheers.

 

Just a thought, have you considered recording them and uploading to an MP3 site, so they can be heard in their rightful way?

[Sheppo 10]

Just a thought, have you considered recording them and uploading to an MP3 site, so they can be heard in their rightful way?

 

 

Good thought. Will sort that out. Thanks.