A childrens poem: 'The Beast...'

[Annoni_mouse]

...at the bottom of my bed!

 

I dont really write poems, but this one seemed to flow along nicely, so I thought I'd put it on 'ere for the groups sage critique:)

 

The Beast.

[sauerkraut]

Nice one, annoni_mouse! I like a happy ending! A good way of helping kids cope with nightmares.

 

Have you tried reading it out loud? I did, and you then notice one or two places where there seem to be too many syllables in a line. For instance I wondered if

 

But I knew by doing nothing

in my bedroom the beast would stay

 

might work better as

 

But I knew if I did nothing

in my room the beast would stay

 

I also wasn't sure about claws being made to rhyme with toes. I know about assonance (or at least I think I do!) but as this is the only instance of it in the poem it didn't seem to fit, somehow. Also, it's the monster's teeth that are the biggest problem, isn't it?! Maybe try replacing

 

"Oh silly boy," he chuckled,

"You can't avoid my claws"

 

with something like

 

"Oh, silly boy," he chuckled,

"You're too small to make me go"

 

(which also then links back to the boy trying to tell the monster to go away in the previous verse)

 

It was also when I read it out loud (and not until then!) that it struck me as not quite right that the boy should be "chilled" by the sight of something glowing like "crimson fire." I dunno, perhaps

 

that chilled me at first sight

 

could become

 

It wasn't a pretty sight (??!)

 

As you can tell, I'm no poet. So I feel a bit uncomfortable trying to suggest "improvements" to something that's jolly good in the first place! Those are just some of the things that struck me when I read it.

 

Hope that's helped a bit without causing offence

[Annoni_mouse]

Thanks for the tips, sauerkraut

 

Hey, I'm no poet myself, I just enjoyed writing this - so any critique is welcome!

 

Nice one, annoni_mouse! I like a happy ending! A good way of helping kids cope with nightmares.

 

Have you tried reading it out loud? I did, and you then notice one or two places where there seem to be too many syllables in a line. For instance I wondered if

 

But I knew by doing nothing

in my bedroom the beast would stay

 

might work better as

 

But I knew if I did nothing

in my room the beast would stay

 

Your right, that line is better - I was aware when I was writing it that that line especially seemed a little out of place. If I'd had more time, maybe I could have come up with something better!

 

I also wasn't sure about claws being made to rhyme with toes. I know about assonance (or at least I think I do!) but as this is the only instance of it in the poem it didn't seem to fit, somehow. Also, it's the monster's teeth that are the biggest problem, isn't it?!

 

I was beeing a bit cheeky with that line - I knew it wasnt a perfect match, but I wanted to convey that the monster was a frightening wee beasty in as few words as possible.

 

It was also when I read it out loud (and not until then!) that it struck me as not quite right that the boy should be "chilled" by the sight of something glowing like "crimson fire."

 

Do you think? I reckon I'd be pretty chilled by a creature turning up in the middle of the night with glowing red eyes - and I'm 33!

 

As you can tell, I'm no poet. So I feel a bit uncomfortable trying to suggest "improvements" to something that's jolly good in the first place! Those are just some of the things that struck me when I read it.

 

Hope that's helped a bit without causing offence

 

Please dont think for minute your observations will offend me - I'm always grateful for feedback - good or bad. Its only when you expose your work to other people that you can really gauge if it's any good or not

 

Oh, and i'm pleased you picked up on it being a good way for kids to deal with nightmares - thats exactly the feel I was looking for. I also wanted (get ready for some pretentious twaddle!) for the poem to be about the power of imagination - it's negatives (the monster) and its positives (the Knight).

[sauerkraut]

 

 

I was beeing a bit cheeky with that line - I knew it wasnt a perfect match, but I wanted to convey that the monster was a frightening wee beasty in as few words as possible.

 

Yes, I see what you mean and I agree it makes the monster even more scary when you find out it's got nasty claws as well. It's just that I stumbled over the lack of rhyme when reading it out loud. But I can't think of a body part to rhyme with claws!!

 

Do you think? I reckon I'd be pretty chilled by a creature turning up in the middle of the night with glowing red eyes - and I'm 33!

 

It was the connection between something "hot" making the child feel "cold" that bothered me. Perhaps I just need a more vivid imagination!

 

 

Please dont think for minute your observations will offend me - I'm always grateful for feedback - good or bad. Its only when you expose your work to other people that you can really gauge if it's any good or not

 

Good to know, thanks! When I was commenting on your poem, I couldn't help remembering for some reason an occasion many years ago when a friend wanted to set up a calendar printing business. She sent flyers to everyone she knew, advertising what she wanted to do. I know nothing about desktop publishing so as such I had no way of telling whether it would be a quality product. But as gently and politely as I could I did point out to her that it might be better for her business if she spelt calendar correctly. She had misspelt it as "calender" throughout all her advertising. She's never spoken to me since!!

 

Heaven alone knows why that incident came back to mind. Evidently it's made me wary of passing comment on something that isn't my "thing"! But you're right of course that it's always useful to know how a reader - any reader - reacts to your work. It's too easy to get so close to what you're doing that you think what you're saying is blindingly obvious and it then comes as a surprise to see that a reader has taken it a completely different way.

 

But I digress!

 

I also wanted (get ready for some pretentious twaddle!) for the poem to be about the power of imagination - it's negatives (the monster) and its positives (the Knight).

 

And a jolly good job you've done, too!

[MWhateley]

I really liked that flow of this one. It moved along at a nice pace. The imagery was excellent, 'Leered like a crocodile' That makes pictures in my head straight away.

 

A great ending too. Well done.

[coyleys]

Good one Annoni.

It did give me a laugh.

I have noticed lately that there has been an increase of poems, and I think what we need is some guild lines in the art of writing conventional poetry as opposed to abstract. The rules on metre, syllables and stressed syllables, the O level type of thing, and probably make it a sticky. This may be a good job for Mantas, SK or Phaedrus, but certainly not Coyleys, although I write conventional poetry it always looks like abstract.

[sauerkraut]

I'd welcome that too, Coyleys. My English O'level was a very long time ago

[scotty225]

Hello, I really think you did a great job with this poem. I wish I had the ability to write childrens stuff, but it seems to be limiting to me somehow. I usually talk myself out of it by thinking they wouldn't understand me.

 

This is brilliant though my daughter read it and liked it. You should write more.

[Annoni_mouse]

Hello, I really think you did a great job with this poem. I wish I had the ability to write childrens stuff, but it seems to be limiting to me somehow. I usually talk myself out of it by thinking they wouldn't understand me.

 

This is brilliant though my daughter read it and liked it. You should write more.

 

 

I'm really flattered your daughter liked it (talk about appealing to your target audience;) ) This is probably only the second thing I've written aimed specifically at children, but I must admit, I really enjoyed writing it (I know what you mean though - it's hard to disengage your 'adult' brain and remeber who you are writing for).

 

Thanks for the encouragement

 

I have noticed lately that there has been an increase of poems, and I think what we need is some guild lines in the art of writing conventional poetry as opposed to abstract. The rules on metre, syllables and stressed syllables, the O level type of thing, and probably make it a sticky. This may be a good job for Mantas, SK or Phaedrus, but certainly not Coyleys, although I write conventional poetry it always looks like abstract.

 

I think thats a cracking idea, Coyley. It certainly gets my vote!

[Phaedrus]

I've no idea why you think I would know much about poetry, I never did English beyond A'level.

In any case, poetry is far too big a subject to condense to a forum sticky. If you really want to examine the nitty-gritty of the conventions, Wikipedia has a good overview :

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry

 

Another school of thought is that poetry shouldn't have rules, as pointed out in this little rhyme I found

 

THE RULES OF POETRY

by

Douglas Florian

 

Keep it short.

Leave it long.

Use bad grammar.

Spell words wrong.

Let the letters

All f

a

l

l

down.

Print a few lines

Upside down.

Change the rhythm.

Never rhyme.

Force the meter

All the time.

Find your keys.

Lose your tools.

By the way --

THERE ARE NO RULES!

 

 

I've absolutely no idea who Douglas Florian is. I have disgracefully pinched his poem from another web site. The internet has no rules either. Sue me.

 

Phaedrus.