Moonbird Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 In the past people may have been what would be perceived by others as a victim, but it would be a mistake to think that just because they were then makes them one still. Abuse in its many forms makes for victims at that time, but it also turns them into strong survivors in the future, and it can make a person "wise" to that situation. Surviving and then sharing that story often inspires , helps and strenghens people who are in that "dark place" now, and that example of your surviving helps them to also move on with their lives. For me it is only unsafe to share the past if it can still hurt you in some way, if its dealt with and learned from I feel it is almost like talking about someone else.... because you were someone else then, not the strong person that you evolved into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojo1 Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Talking openly about the things that have gone wrong in your life does not make you a victim. It takes a certain amount of strength to be able to discuss these issues. I would suggest that a victim would hide the bad things like something they are ashamed of like a dark shadow on their lives. Sharing a problem or an upset can mean you get an outsiders perspective and grow as a person taking on a new strength as you grow. Also it can give valuable insight to the people not strong enough to share or talk about the issues they themselves have been through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychickens Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Talking openly about the things that have gone wrong in your life does not make you a victim. It takes a certain amount of strength to be able to discuss these issues. I would suggest that a victim would hide the bad things like something they are ashamed of like a dark shadow on their lives. Not sure I'd entirely agree that hiding things from other people is because you're ashamed of them...not really what this thread is about, but I would never have admitted to anyone else (other than my partner) that I was suffering from postnatal depression, simply because I didn't want anyone being 'helpful' and 'supportive'...or full of pity AND I just don't think mental health is anyone else's business unless you choose to share it - it shouldn't be a matter of poorly-informed gossip. In the same way I wouldn't tell anyone if I was dying - I wouldn't want their behaviour towards me to change. The other aspect to keeping things to yourself is that you don't necessarily need outside help to solve certain problems - the realisation that you need to change your own life is something you can come to yourself, and possibly carry through yourself, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojo1 Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Not sure I'd entirely agree that hiding things from other people is because you're ashamed of them...not really what this thread is about, but I would never have admitted to anyone else (other than my partner) that I was suffering from postnatal depression, simply because I didn't want anyone being 'helpful' and 'supportive'...or full of pity AND I just don't think mental health is anyone else's business unless you choose to share it - it shouldn't be a matter of poorly-informed gossip. In the same way I wouldn't tell anyone if I was dying - I wouldn't want their behaviour towards me to change. The other aspect to keeping things to yourself is that you don't necessarily need outside help to solve certain problems - the realisation that you need to change your own life is something you can come to yourself, and possibly carry through yourself, too. Which is great for you as you're obviously a strong enough person to deal with your problems on your own. A lot of people do fall through the cracks and become a victim because they don't speak out and ask for help or advice. A lot of people do end up in a worse state because they are ashamed of the mess they are in and dwell on it rather than asking for support. Not everyone is equipped to deal with their own problems and it can be a very brave step to ask for support no matter where or who they are asking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSK Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Having noticed a lot of sad threads about couples breaking up, and people being abused by their partners or neglected by their OHs, I wonder at how brave they are to relate these stories and if they do the same in their daily lives, and can it colour peoples' opinion of you in a negative way. I think I would think twice before revealing all the negative aspects of my life as I wouldn't want to be seen as a victim or a sad case. The support given to such people has been tremendous and it does inspire one with confidence - so how many of you would have no inhibitions about revealing your experiences on here? It's a tricky one cressy. On the down side, there's a danger that you're just going to reinforce the notion that you're incapable in someway (a 'victim'), either in other peoples' eyes, or more importantly, in your own eyes. On the up side, it can help to explore issues, and get other perspectives, and just the act of writing stuff down, it's all part of the process of getting it out of your system. I agree though, there's a lot of supportive people on the forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cressida Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 would you do it publicly though Mojo, on here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mojo1 Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 would you do it publicly though Mojo, on here? It would depend on the situation and my frame of mind at the time. I have a very strong circle of friends off line and can usually discuss these things with them. Again some people may not be lucky enough to have people they think they can talk to, they might not want to involve people that could be too close to a situation. I would ask for support on here if I needed it, I think it's a valuable tool for many reasons one of them is the fact it gives people a sense of connection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troubledjoe Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Having noticed a lot of sad threads about couples breaking up, and people being abused by their partners or neglected by their OHs, I wonder at how brave they are to relate these stories and if they do the same in their daily lives, and can it colour peoples' opinion of you in a negative way. I think I would think twice before revealing all the negative aspects of my life as I wouldn't want to be seen as a victim or a sad case. The support given to such people has been tremendous and it does inspire one with confidence - so how many of you would have no inhibitions about revealing your experiences on here? i agree, some things are best kept to one self. Its hard if your a genuinely open person, some people essentially "self council" by openly telling people their problems. But it can taint people views. When i was in police training i met a woman that had been in 3 serious relationships, the first 2 were very violent and she was beaten and almost killed. She felt the problem she had made for her self was to tell the bloke from the second relationship about the violence suffered from the first. She felt she had portrayed herself as a victim to him and made him realise she was an easy target! And as such he started to beat and abuse her. obviously she left him (after almost being killed by him) and met a wonderful bloke. After a long time she did tell man 3 what had happened to her, but only after she knew she could trust him and after a long time. I guess it's sad that people have to keep things to their selves, but it seems to be the way of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cressida Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 But it can taint people views. When i was in police training i met a woman that had been in 3 serious relationships, the first 2 were very violent and she was beaten and almost killed. She felt the problem she had made for her self was to tell the bloke from the second relationship about the violence suffered from the first. She felt she had portrayed herself as a victim to him and made him realise she was an easy target! And as such he started to beat and abuse her. obviously she left him (after almost being killed by him) and met a wonderful bloke. After a long time she did tell man 3 what had happened to her, but only after she but it seems to be the way of the world. that is exactly the sort of scenario I had in mind (or nearly, that and stalking) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troubledjoe Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 although people often feel the need to be honest, it can simply open the floodgates for abuse. If the person has allowed it to happen in the past, then it can happen again. Even people that have exhibited no previous violence can become violent/ abusive when told it's happened in the past as they feel they can get away with it and use to control the other person! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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