Story: 'The Vultures.'

[Mantaspook 14]

As I said earlier I think the beginning of the story needs some attention, so taking into account the points I’ve already outlined above, here is my take on an alternative start to the story.

 

The waiter smiled embarrassingly at the young couple as another outburst from the next table reached their ears. The occupants of the table were all middle aged and dressed in black, the two women outnumbered the solitary man who was fretting over some coffee that he knocked over whilst gesticulating at the bejewelled woman opposite.

 

By contrast the other woman had on a simple diamond broach shaped like a cat, she fiddled with it nervously as the exchanges between her brother and sister got louder. Finally, she had to raise her hands between them, reverting to her usual role of peacemaker, catching the waiters look she immediately felt sorry for the young couple.

 

“Caroline, Geoff…” she implored quietly “Please keep your voices down, there are other people trying to eat.”

 

“Keep your nose out, Louisa” hissed Geoff. “I’m just thinking of the grandchildren, that’s all -Josephine and Elizabeth are entitled to some of Pop’s estate, it’s only fair.” It was obvious to his sisters that fairness was the last thing on his mind, it was every man for himself.

 

Caroline stared at her brother, her unwavering gaze reminded Louisa of a cobra about to strike. “Well I still think it would be fairer for Elizabeth to have the Toby jugs.”

A lengthy pause followed this remark…. >>> etc.

 

And bang! you’ve got the setting, the main characters, their relationships, the reason why they are there and a bit of characterisation condensed down to the first half page, after that it's up to you to build the story from there.

 

And as Coyleys said, the money should go to the cats home

[pattricia 575]

I am amazed at the work put into the Sheffield Writers Group by Mantaspook.

[shoeshine 10]

I am amazed at the work put into the Sheffield Writers Group by Mantaspook.

 

Didn't I post similarly a week or so ago, pattricia?.....

 

Mant's a truly "bonzer" (colloquial Aussie phrase) Writing Group Leader?

 

The best person for the job!

 

As Frank Carson would have said, "He's a cracker!"

 

;) Cheers Mant's!

[coyleys 10]

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect.

 

Or if we wanted to inject a bit of levity into the plot, we could make the siblings more arrogant, snobbish and money-grabbing.

 

Caroline gazed down her nose at the young couple sat opposite, and then in an aristocratic tone “I really don’t know what this restaurant is coming to, that young couple have just arrived by public transport “

 

“Oh really” replied Geoff in a manner the caricature of Kenneth Williams.

 

Then the proverbial really does hit the fan when they all find out all the money has been left to the local doss house or Joe Blogs’ the local tramp.

But I still think my original opinion was correct “that ending was just perfect”

Nice one Sauerkraut.

[sauerkraut 10]

Plenty of food for thought there! Thanks, everyone.

 

Watch this space for the re-worked version. But it may take a while. I have two kids' birthday parties to organise...

[Ron Blanco 10]

Hi sauerkraut,

 

I enjoyed that story. I really like Mant's idea of introducing Louisa earlier to provide some symmetry. A little condescension towards her at the start would have got us on her side and made the ending all the more satisfying.

 

Also, and this is just a personal preference, I would like for pops to have "kicked the bucket" in a more imaginative way - perhaps run over by a motorised wheelchair as I recently read in the news or maybe he was in a motorised wheelchair and vanished down a big hole in the ground. The point being not that it has to involve a motorised wheelchair but that it is a little unusual and makes me chuckle. But like I say it probably just reflects my preference for slapstick and others might argue that it's not crucial to the plot. Nevertheless, see if you can slip it into your re-worked version and then you will almost certainly get my vote in this month's competition.

[MWhateley 10]

Well done. I really enjoyed reading this story and I felt that it flowed nicely. I did find a couple of the sentences a little difficult to follow in places.

 

------------------------------------------

 

A lengthy pause followed this remark and Caroline used the time to serenely stir another spoonful of sugar into her coffee. But she remained alert to the others’ reactions, and quietly suppressed a small smile of triumph to see Geoff, who had been about to take a sip of his own coffee, return the cup untasted to the saucer. His hand wobbled slightly so that a few drops spilt on the tablecloth. He should have waited a moment longer before answering her because his voice still betrayed some of his emotion as he murmured:

 

--------------------------------------------

 

There was a distinct pause following on from the remark. Caroline took advantage of the time to stir another spoon of sugar into her coffee. As she stirred she kept her attention focused. A small smile of satisfaction appeared on her lips as Geoff, who was about to take a sip of his own coffee, returned the cup, untasted, to his saucer.

 

I have tried to reduce the size of the sentences in my example above and try to get the point accross without as many words. Obviously everyone has their own distinct style, so mine is inly an example to give an idea of my point.

 

Very good though, keep up the good work matey.

[sauerkraut 10]

Thanks for that, MW. One of my worst writing faults is that I can be far too "wordy" and I'm a bit over-fond of long sentences! That's one of the reasons why I've praised your writing on here - because it gets straight to the point!

 

Your improvements made me smile. They reminded me of a long-ago time when my husband and I were both students and we used to have to swap essays. I would expand his concisely argued German Lit essays so they reached the minimum word limit. He would severely edit my rambling International Law essays to get them down to the maximum word limit. In fact we'd probably both have done much better if we'd simply swapped courses but we didn't think of that at the time .

[pattricia 575]

There's a kernel of truth in it actually! I once spent a miserable evening at a restaurant next to a table full of people just like the characters in my story, who were having a very similar conversation.

 

But there wasn't a proposal for me at the end to redeem the situation

 

I have just re-read it sauerkraut, and its still good. Well done.

[Falls 10]

That was a great story Sauerkraut. You really left my miserable literary offerings in the dust.

 

Looks like I will have to turn in my badge and go back to collecting hub caps and beer cans.

 

Regards

[Ron Blanco 10]

Looks like I will have to turn in my badge and go back to collecting hub caps and beer cans.

 

I enjoyed it too but don't despair Falls. I was hoping that you also had a short story up your sleeve. Admittedly the sub-plot theme is a tough one and far too tricky for me to attempt as a first effort so I am taking some time to "get my eye in" by reading other people's at this stage. Of course this tactic relies heavily on other people doing the business on the writing front so I hope you will kindly do the honours and have a crack at it.

 

Am I right in thinking that as a member of the writers group I now form part of the electorate and get to vote at the end of each month? Well it seems sauerkraut is the front-runner at the moment, being the only valid entrant, and although it will be tough to beat I hope others will make a fight of it. I enjoyed MW's story too but sadly it was disqualified for not including a sub-plot. Of course MW claims that he never intended for it to have a sub-plot (and I believe him) and that it is merely a warm-up for his Creme-De-Month: the eagerly awaited "A Spark of Genius".

 

So I hope these encouraging words will cause you to re-think. And remember Falls, it is not the winning but the taking part that counts (except in my case - but I promise to have a go next month, unless the theme is "sub-plots" again).

 

Best of luck.

[Mantaspook 14]

Am I right in thinking that as a member of the writers group I now form part of the electorate and get to vote at the end of each month?

 

Hi Ron,

 

That’s the formula we have used in the past, however, for this month only, we’re having a change, Redrobbo & myself will be judges this month, our stories are ineligible for the competition, however ANY story or poem, whether it encapsulates the monthly theme or not, is eligible for the competition, all you have to do is upload it between February 1st and the 29th .

 

Also, the person that posts the most informative critique this month will win a prize too.

Edited July 6, 2009 by Mantaspook
removed null link.