Story: 'The Vultures.'

[sauerkraut 10]

Well I can't say I found it easy but here's my attempt at the February theme.

 

 

Link deleted by author

All comments welcome!

Edited March 20, 2010 by sauerkraut
as per changing group rules

[mikomi 10]

I think you did a good job with it, very subtle .The main story flowed very well. From a personal point and it's not a criticism, i find dramatised words a bit overpowering and put me of from reading the piece.( I did read it all though )

[sauerkraut 10]

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

 

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

[pattricia 577]

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

 

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

 

I liked your style of writing. Very interesting story.

[Jessica23 10]

Hi sauerkraut,

 

I liked the way you structured the story, and the 'neighbouring tables' tactic was a nice one.

 

A few minor qualms: I had to re-read the first para a few times, and I think it's because you've overused the infinitive. Some very minor changes and I think it reads easier:

 

'A lengthy pause followed this remark. Caroline used the time to stir another spoonful of sugar into her coffee. But she remained alert to the others’ reactions, and quietly suppressed a small smile of triumph when Geoff, who had been about to take a sip of his own coffee, return the cup untasted to the saucer. His hand wobbled slightly so that a few drops spilt on the tablecloth.'

 

(I've removed 'serenely' there - is it vital?)

 

I'm not sure if it's immediately obvious that Caroline made the remark, either, but perhaps that doesn't matter. You use 'triumphant' for Caroline's smile twice - I'd try and find a different word.

 

After the paragraph describing Louisa's interjection, perhaps it might dramatise the interruption better if you made it clear that Caroline had been interrupted (or rather, that the reader has been listening to Louisa rather than the ongoing speech from Caroline) through punctuation: '....and that just leaves us with the question of the stamp collection.'

 

You've written 'for the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas'. Is 'a hearing' a deliberate reference to 'hearing' in the legal sense? If not, you need to get rid of the 'a' - but I quite like it as it stands.

 

I think you need to maintain the question marks in the two sentences that follow 'Well, why not?' And - a small technical point - if Caroline, the youngest, is in her forties, is it likely that their dad is really in the 'middle of life'? He must be in his sixities at least - younger than they might have wanted, but not middle aged, quite...

 

The twist (Louisa knowing about the will) would have a lot more impact, I think, if the 'haggling and bargaining' had been about bigger things. Although you do mention the value of the silver service and the toby jugs, if it was a really big estate they were arguing over I tend to think that those kind of items would fall under 'token bequests'. But that's up to you of course

 

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it - I hope you don't think I've been too critical!

 

Jess

[coyleys 10]

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect.

[Jessica23 10]

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect.

 

Agreed - I think the structure was very accomplished.

 

I particularly liked it when Sally knocked over her glass of wine and Mark 'gazed across the table at Sally with a new respect.'

 

This is subplot working really well - it tells us that not only has Sally been listening in (and sharing the reader's outrage at Caroline) but that Mark is prepared to put up with 'a scene' (compare and contrast with Louisa's self-restraint) from his girlfriend in aid of a good cause - boding well for their future!

 

We can imagine the looks that Mark and Sally share while listening, and we feel complicit in Sally's 'accident'. It worked really well.

[sauerkraut 10]

Thank you very much, everyone. I’m glad you liked it.

 

And thank you for your constructive criticism, Jessica. I agree that your first para works better. The repetition of triumph was deliberate: i.e. she suppresses her triumph then allows it to surface – does that not work very well, then? I’m a bit hard put to find another word. There’s nothing in the thesaurus I like! Exultant, maybe?

 

I accept your remarks on punctuation as well, thank you.

 

Yes, “a hearing” was meant to be an allusion to the legal sense. Well spotted!

 

The being taken in the middle of life was meant to refer to dying suddenly, whilst going about his daily business, rather than to middle age. Would “in the midst of life” work better?

 

As for haggling over the inheritance, the idea is that Mark and Sally have only overheard the last hour of the discussions. Who knows what major issues have gone before! Perhaps I haven’t conveyed well enough how long the family have been sitting in the restaurant. I wondered this when I read back that the waiter says they’ve just ordered coffee. It makes it sound like they’ve only gone to the restaurant for coffee. Perhaps it would be enough if I change that to “had just ordered their after-dinner coffee [and couldn’t possibly be occupying their table for so very much longer].” Or something along those lines.

 

I shall give it some thought.

 

Thanks again

[sauerkraut 10]

Very interesting story.

 

There's a kernel of truth in it actually! I once spent a miserable evening at a restaurant next to a table full of people just like the characters in my story, who were having a very similar conversation.

 

But there wasn't a proposal for me at the end to redeem the situation

[Malanimal 10]

Excellent and enjoyable story. The switching of viewpoints worked well. Caroline is a particularly memorable character, you really get the idea of her manipulative nature through what she says.

 

Was not as convinced by the subplot, but that is perhaps due to how much less those characters were heard. Also, sometimes the subplot and main plot were not as distinct as I would have liked, for example,

A fault with the espresso machine had delayed the order, then bickering had taken priority over drinking, and for the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas.

 

Here, having only just switched to the other couple we again switch to the family and I lost the thread, so maybe the following would be better,

For the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas. A fault with the espresso machine had delayed the order, and when it turned up the coffee was left to cool as bickering had taken priority.

 

Good stuff tho', cheers.

[mikomi 10]

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

 

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

 

Words like 'serenely', just seemed a bit dramatic .

[Mantaspook 14]

Hi Sauerkraut,

 

Well, there is some excellent feedback for your story on this thread, particularly from Jessica23, with whom I agree that the beginning of the story needs a bit of re-work, I had to read the story twice to figure out what the relationship was between the three family members (plus the two grandchildren who were mentioned.)

 

I’ll just list my initial observations.

 

Setting – It isn’t until the end of the 4th paragraph (… as he caught the eye of the hovering waiter.) that the reader is informed they are in a restaurant, until then it could have someone’s kitchen or a tea shop.

 

Louisa was introduced too late (at the top of page two). She has the final word in this story, for the sake of the stories symmetry I believe she should also have the first word. I do appreciate that her character is one that is overlooked by her siblings; perhaps her first sentence can be rudely interrupted by Caroline to demonstrate her lowly standing with her brother & sister.

 

Characterisation I think you did a pretty good job of portraying the characters foibles, this sentence struck me as rather good:

 

“At this point Louisa, hunched in her chair, could not help interjecting: “We haven’t even buried him yet,” but she spoke in a voice low enough to be treated as little more than a fleeting irritation, quickly flapped aside by Caroline’s richly jewelled fingers.”

 

However, I think Geoff needed a little more work. Interestingly, because of his clumsiness and their old fashioned use of the word “pops” I just assumed that they were in their sixties and was surprised when their real ages were mentioned.

 

Subplot you handled it really well, with three feeds into the main story consisting of the introduction of the other couple and their irritation, Sally’s intervention to spare Louisa's feelings and Louisa’s comment to them at the end. Nicely done, a light, subtle touch was just what the story needed.

 

Ending Nothing wrong with the one you’ve got; however I think Coyleys idea of the father leaving everything to the local cats home is a cracker and it would have added a comically ironic twist to the end of the tale.

 

Structure The story structure flowed surprisingly well, I wasn’t too keen of the small amount of dialogue followed by a large chunk of descriptive text that informed the reader what was happening both in the restaurant and the protagonists minds, but it worked. I would have preferred a larger section of the story to have been told by their bickering dialogue, so the reader “overhears” the story, just like the other couple.

 

For instance, these lines:

 

“Well, why not? Why not just concede everything, let her grasping little sister claim what she wanted and they could all get out of there. Pops was dead, wasn’t he. Struck down so suddenly and unexpectedly by that massive heart attack. Death had seized him in the middle of life and nothing would bring him back. What good would a stamp collection be to her? Perhaps a few memories of the days they had spent together, arranging and re-arranging, plotting the next acquisition. But the memories would remain, with or without the albums. So what if they were worth a fortune. Louisa had no children of her own to pass them down to – never would have – and that was no doubt the next point the inexorable Caroline would bring up.

 

She was right.

 

“It’s not as if the collection would even remain in the family, is it?” Caroline was saying. “I mean, Geoff has Josephine and I have Elizabeth, but you – well – you’ll never have the chance to enjoy looking at those albums with anyone, will you.”

 

Could have been summed up in the dialogue something like this:

 

“He loved that stamp collection” said Louisa “We’d spend hours on a Sunday afternoons just re-arranging it, or planning our next acquisition…it gave him so much pleasure.”

 

“Yes, fascinating” said Caroline, stifling a bored yawn, “Presumably his heart attack was brought on all the excitement. Anyway, I think the grandchildren should have the stamp albums, what do you think, Geoff?”

 

That condensed things down a little, but the meaning is still there.