Feeling unsupported

[hbofinger 10]

Just wondering if anyone else out there is feeling a bit alone in the whole pregnancy thing?

 

We've moved recently, about 1500miles away from any of my family, for my husband's job, so I am missing out on my normal family support. I thought it would be okay because my husband and I would help support each other. He's always been really supportive and loving in the past but its not really working out that way.

 

Being an ridiculously over-emotional pregnant woman means that everything my husband says makes me burst into tears. He's not excited about the birth (we are having a caesar booked for a morning and he's already talking about going back to work that afternoon - and this is our first child). I try and talk to him about it, and about how I'm nervous about having a baby and not knowing what to do with it and because we don't know anyone here but of course I just burst into tears and he takes it to mean that I don't want to live where we live now and that I want to go home and that I'm trying to pressure him, rather than just get some support (when in reality a really nice big hug would do).

 

We are due in May (early May) and he keeps nagging me about getting a job between now and then - luckily not for money reasons, but because he thinks I will be bored. Noone wants to hire a person who is about to have a baby, and especially since it was always our plan for me to stay home for a year with the baby once she's born. My job is very competitive, and people only want to hire someone who is going to be in it for the long haul. I'm really trying to find something but I can't seem to convince him of that.

 

Last night right before bed he started up on it again, which of course just made me cry, and then he said that he really wants me to get a job because "when he gets home from work, all he wants to do is relax, and since I've been at home all day I'm too excited to see him and force him to interact".

 

I am trying to get out and meet people, but there are very very few pregnancy exercise classes where we live (not Sheffield). There is no such thing as aquanatal, there is only pregnancy yoga one morning a week and they are on Christmas break. We can't start antenatal classes until 32 weeks.

 

I'm sorry, this all sounds like a huge whinge, but I just need to get it off my chest in what has always been a really friendly environment. I guess I just want to hear that men can change once the baby is born

[hennypenny 10]

Hmmm.... you have moved miles away from your family, when you are pregnant, and your husband wants you to get a job in the mean time because he is fed up of you wanting to interact with him when he gets home from work, plus he is so excited about the baby he plans on going back to work the same day of the birth?

 

I wonder why you are feeling unsupported?

 

Can't you just give him a kick in the goolies and tell him to get his ideas in order?

 

Why exactly do you have a caesar booked? Is it to fit into his work schedule too? Does he realise it is a major abdominal operation, and you will need one heck of a lot of support and help to look after the baby whilst you are recovering from the operation?

 

Sorry that I am not being terribly supportive myself here, but I am fuming on your behalf.

[hbofinger 10]

No rest assured it is not to do with his work schedule - i have placenta praevia (spelling?) so we don't really have a choice. Don't worry - I'm not quite THAT down-trodden

 

I just don't know how to make him feel more excited or involved. Sometimes he comes out with things that make me feel like he's really excited (like talking about how exciting next Christmas will be with a baby in the house), but I just can't get him excited about the actual birth, the time when I feel like I need the most support.

[hennypenny 10]

Ok, got up after a good sleep and feeling in a more supportive frame of mind now

 

With placenta previa, you could end up spending a lot of time in hospital before the birth if it shows any sign of rupturing (if I recall correctly), so his idea of getting a job is not really going to happen - you need to be taking it easy and to be looked after.

 

It is often difficult to get to know people in a new area, even when not pregnant, so no wonder you feel alone. Have you tried if there is an NCT class nearby http://www.nct.org.uk/ , or a la leche league http://www.laleche.org.uk/pages/groups/groups.htm? If you are intending on breastfeeding then maybe there is a breastfeeding group in the area? (Google breastfeeding group + your area). Natural Nuturing network http://www.naturalnurturing.org.uk/ are a lovely group of people who network and meet up. Netmums http://www.netmums.com/h/f/HOME/localhome/northglos/ and Mumsnet http://www.mumsnet.com/ have local groups and information about what is happening in most areas.

 

You could consider hiring a doula http://www.doula.org.uk/content/duk/about/default.asp to support you through the birth, they will be more experienced with natural birth, but they should support women through any type of birth.

 

I had two caesars, and I know that you just will not be straight up and about immediately. You need to get some help and support for at least a couple of weeks following the birth, whether that means your husband taking two weeks off work, having your mum to stay or hiring a helper.

 

Once the baby is here and you are all settled, you will still need your husband to come home and give you a break at the end of the day, as babies, no matter how lovely, are extremely hard work and boring company. If your husband thinks the baby is going to slot in with no change to his lifestyle, then you are going to have problems. It is time to give him a reality check.

 

Some men think they want babies, but when it happens they get quite jealous, and annoyed at how their lives have changed, their wives focus is no longer primarily on them, and their day descends into coming home shattered and their wife handing over a squalling babe with no rest for either of you - both of you feeling you have the harder life.

 

Point him in the direction of some of the studies which found that a mother at home suffers more stress during a normal day than a business executive in a high powered job. Get yourself a support group you can rely on in times of stress - getting no sleep for months on end and trying to maintain a relationship with a man who does not understand is a recipe for disaster. Make sure that there is a regular time within each week when he is in charge of baby and you have some time off - no matter how much he complains about having no time off! Going to work is time off!

 

If finances allow, get help around the house - it is not selfish, looking after a baby is a real full time job, and why should you have to do the housework too! Just because childcare is not valued by our society doesn't make it any less a valuable and difficult job.

 

Come and moan here whenever you need to let off steam, there are people here who have experienced most scenarios and who will have advice - I am sure they will all pop up soon

 

Best of luck

[kitty123 10]

Sounds tough for you at the moment, all those crazy hormones just don't help either. It must be a big adjustment for both of you with a big move not knowing other people him with work on his mind and you with a little dot arriving on yours.

 

I think it's really easy to feel left out, lonely and isolated when your pregnant (I felt like that) it is such a consuming and amazing experience.

 

Things will fall into place and get settled for you, keep your chin up and try and enjoy it, come on here and keep us all posted:)

[cosywolf 10]

Hey, I'm sending big hugs your way. It's such a hard time to be away from everyone you know - but at least we are always here.

 

I remember having similar thoughts at times about my husband. It might not be a currently popular view, but I think (and my OH agrees) that they actually are less invested in the situation at that point...it takes a bit longer (some sleepless nights, maybe?) for them to realise it is actually true, going to happen, not just a huge thing but a world-changing enormous thing. It feels like they don't care, but I think some (most?) of them don't really get it until it actually happens (baby is there) and even then, many often need a kick up the butt to realise that yes, they now actually have to DO LOADS.

Add that to the fact that he is also in a new place, with new work colleagues(?), a new home, and nearly as isolated a social situation as you (tho he has work, at least), and I can see how he might have a rather irritating attitude. I think if you let him read that first post of yours, or something similar - written down means no sobbing and you have time to think about what you really want to say, what you mean - he might get a better clue how you are feeling, which he definitely needs.

 

Hennypenny has given you some great advice, so I'm with a lot of her ideas. Particularly the working one - relax and look after yourself while you can. As for him, I'm afraid he's going to have a HUGE shock when he comes home after the baby is born, if he thinks it's hard of you to make him interact now.

 

I hope things get better soon, and don't worry - you have a place to talk and vent here. xx

[lola2 10]

You poor thing, I know how you feel its horrible.

We moved to sheffield and found out i was pregnant very soon after . It was so hard i had no job and i didn't really know anyone, I used to be like an over enthusistic puppy when he came home purely because i hadn't spoken to another adult all day, i lost so much confidence and was very down and took everything he said as a critsism. But i did manage to get a job despite being 4 months at the time and my employers were lovely about the whole thing and it definitely helped.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about what he thinks he will be doing after the birth when your baby comes along he'll be totally different, men don't bond so much with babies before they are born in the same way but as soon as they see them they melt.

 

You have to be very pro active and go out and meet people pregnancy feels like a lifetime and if you are just waiting for it to happen instead of getting on with your life including your career it feels a hell of a lot longer.

 

During my first pregnancy and after my daughter was born my partner and i went through some of the hardest times yet and looking back it was because i relied on him far too much everything had changed i wasn't myself but as soon as i went out made friends and got on with things everything got better, we've got a second baby now who is six months old and i can honestly say he is the worlds best dad to both my children despite the disastrous start. If you look on netmums.co.uk for your local area there is a meet a mum part. Good luck i hope it all goes well.

[babychickens 10]

ditto what hennypenny has said, but just to add - you've moved somewhere new, which from what you've said I'm assuming is for your chap's job. I'm not making excuses for him, or suggesting that you should suffer in silence or put up with his lack of interest, but new jobs can be pretty darned stressful. Having suffered from periods of extreme work stress myself, albeit brief ones, I can honestly say that at times there was simply no space in my mind for anyone else, especially my husband, who is able to cope and look after himself incredibly well without my support when I am unable to give it. Harsh as this sounds, I know that at times of great stress like that if he needed me he'd have to really pressure me to understand that he needed me, at which point I'd find space to think about him more...however, he'd have to really force me to understand his needs. Is it possible that you're so capable and organised and in control most of the time that he simply doesn't understand how you feel at the moment? Have you tried to explain it to him (without EVER starting it off with "it's probably my hormones, but...." - yes, it may be, but that doesn't make your feelings any less real. Go on, give him a swift slap if he says it )?

 

From what you've said, you're pretty convinced you won't get a suitable job at the mo, and personally I think it's absolutely soul destroying trying to find the right job anyway, let alone when you're quite vulnerable emotionally. It sounds like your OH is the one that needs convincing that you shouldn't get one now.

 

As for finding new friends and stuff - it takes time. Of course you're lonely, and to be honest, 99% of the ladies with babies/bumps that you meet won't be of great interest to you - you can't really call something a friendship when all you talk about is babies and families. If you're the kind of lady that takes a long time to make good friends, then you need to accept that you'll have to get yourself out lots and get meeting people and that you'll eventually find like-minded individuals. You'll be lonely for a while, but certainly not forever - don't worry. If you don't need the money but need to get out of the house, have you considered a bit of voluntary work (oxfam shop? dog rescue centre? help the aged? bit of work with disabled kids?)? If you're religious, try getting involved in local churches. The things you do don't have to be baby related... how about language lessons with other adults in the evenings/afternoons? Being pregnant isn't what defines you, whether you want it to be or not - you're you, it's just taht you're going to become a mum (which is fantastic, obviously:D!).

 

One thing to think about is that while it may not seem like it right now, don't ever forget that no matter what happens in your life, you can (and will) cope, simply because you're you. However, if you're not getting what you need from your husband, he needs to help you, regardless of whether he's stressed/not realised what having a baby will mean to his life yet.

 

Here, have a hug, and I hope you're feeling a bit happier today...

*hug!*

 

Where have you moved to, out of interest?

[gina2007 10]

I havn't managed to read everybodys replys. But I've just left school (Last June) and I left pregnant. No employer would take me on nor would college. I got myself a small volunteering job at the local charity shop. I met loads of wonderful people there, young and old. They never judged me or told me I was bad/wrong or anything and always listened to my opinions and valued them. They gave me great advice too. Maybe, if you are stuck at home with nothing to do, then you could give that a go. Gina xx

[Bonny 10]

You must be feeling really miserable hon *big hugs*

 

Moving to a new area is difficult even when you're not pregnant, but being pregnant and not having a job makes it even more isolating. What area are you in?

 

We moved to a new area when babybonny was 6 weeks old and i've found it incredibly hard to settle here.

 

It takes time to establish friendships and no-one can replace family.

 

What's your midwife like? She may be able to help you with networking opportunities with other mums to be. Ask to see your Health Visitor too, they normally introduce themselves maybe once before you have baby and they take over much of your care once the midwife signs you off so you're likely to have a longer professional relationship with her than your midwife. Babybonny is 18 months and my HV still visits me every four weeks, she's been amazingly helpful and supportive.

 

Most of the mother and toddler groups would be happy to see you before you have your baby, if you can contact the organiser and see if that's ok it would be another way of meeting people.

 

If you can't get across what you want to say to your OH then write it down, let him read it and then maybe he'll understand a bit more?

 

My OH had very little interest in baby whilst I was expecting, but he's been a fantastic dad.

 

And don't forget to let your midwife and/or GP know how you're feeling too, your emotional well being is important to them as well as your physical health. It will get better

[hbofinger 10]

Thanks everyone for your replies - its always nice to come on here, everyone always has great advice and sympathy!

 

Am feeling much much better. I think the hormones have settled (for the moment!) and things don't seem so gloomy any more. I'm going to start going to pregnancy yoga 2 mornings a week from next week so I will at least meet some other pregnant women there. I've also decided to look into the volunteering idea too - great idea!

 

And OH seems to have gotten a spurt of excitement about the whole thing too. I think it really helps that baby girl has started kicking in response to his voice, which makes it seem a bit more real (she also kicks in response to Kaiser Chiefs, but I thought he didn't really need to know that!).

 

And we've had a talk over New Years about how out of sorts I've been feeling and why - and I think he understands more how I feel.

 

Thanks again - and I'll keep you posted about how things go!

[shihtzumad 10]

brilliant news, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy