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Story: 'The Flood.'

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Exercise 4

 

Writing for clarity

 

Rewrite the following section.

 

"I stepped forward and my already sodden jeans plunged into the freezing water, sinking endlessly below, so far down I thought it would never find the bottom. But it did. Relying once more on my quickly diminishing resolve, I swung my other leg out to join it and I stood drunkenly, waist deep, my body buffeted against the current."

 

Try to improve the clarity and dramatic tension.

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Annoni_mouse I really enjoyed that piece of writing.

 

It really does leave me feeling impatient to read further into the tale. :):thumbsup:

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Yes, we would like further stories on The Writers Group.

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I agree with the others: this looks like being an interesting story. It's useful to know it's part of a bigger picture, as I was wondering why it was so important for the protagonist to get home.

 

I've had a go at a couple of Mantaspook's exercises, just for fun.

 

Exercise 1, opening:

 

Just hours before, this had been a busy road. Now, I stood at the edge of a river: swirling, eddying water rising silently and relentlessly [where once cars had driven].

 

Exercise 4, clarity:

 

I stepped forward. The freezing water clutched at my jeans, already heavy and sodden from the rain. For a panic-stricken moment I thought my foot would never touch firm ground, but at last it did. My resolve quickly diminishing, I forced myself to urge the other leg into the water. Then I stood drunkenly, waist deep, my body buffeted by the current.

 

Hope you don't mind me butchering your work like this, Anonni_mouse! :)

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Hope you don't mind me butchering your work like this, Anonni_mouse! :)

 

Not at all:)

 

The whole story was written as a diversion form work, from the smallest kernel of an idea! I have the second half of this part of the story(if that make sany sense?) ready to upload, im just waiting to hear how Manta wants me to do it (hint, hint:hihi:)

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Here's the second instalment of my short story 'The flood'.

 

This one picks up from where Part 1 left off, but it should really be viewed as a complete work. Enjoy:)

 

 

The Flood - Part 2.

Edited by Mantaspook
Updated server link.

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This is REALLY good.

 

The story has “gone up a gear” from part 1, just at it should do as there is less suspense and a lot more action, you’ve used words that are shorter and more direct and as a result the tempo has increased.

 

Overall it’s an exciting and very well written story, the only suggestions I can make to improve the story are these three minor points.

 

1 “The wind and rain that raked my body, the swirling turmoil of water that even now threatened to sweep me from my feet, all of it disappeared, as we stood there locked in each others stare.”

 

Read the entire sentence out loud to yourself, do you really need that second comma after ‘disappeared’?

 

Alternatively a semi colon adds a longer pause.

 

“…sweep me from my feet, all of it disappeared; We stood there locked in each others stare.”

 

Or a full stop adds an even longer, more dramatic pause.

 

“…sweep me from my feet, all of it disappeared. We stood there locked in each others stare.”

 

Or you could pare the sentence back to its bones and lose a small section completely. Note a new comma has appeared.

 

The wind and rain that raked my body, the swirling turmoil of water that even now threatened to sweep me from my feet. all of it disappeared as We stood there, locked in each others stare.

 

-------------------------------------

 

2 “I could hear the angry, muffled cries from the looters, and the sloshing, splashing sound of their progress as they chased me.”

 

“angry, muffled” & “Sloshing, splashing” whilst descriptive, could be improved, would one word have been better to maintain the tempo? How about replacing these word pairs with “Enraged” and “Swashing”* respectively.

 

"I could hear the enraged cries from the looters, and the swashing* sound of their progress as they chased me."

 

*Yep, swashing is a real word. Def: “to wash or move with noisy splashing / to dash (a liquid, esp. water)against or upon.”

 

-------------------------------------

 

3 “… I thrust my foot backwards. Over the sound of the chase and the grievous wind, I heard the bone snapping thud of my foot shattering his nose.”

 

This sentence gives the reader a minor puzzle because you’ve got the EFFECT before the CAUSE

 

See how much smoother the following sentence sounds.

 

“… I thrust my foot backwards. Over the sound of the chase and the grievous wind, I heard my foot connect with his nose in a bone snapping thud.

 

Better, but not dramatic enough, I’ve underlined the weak words. Also “Thud” is a low sound…would he really have heard it over the shrieking wind?

 

How about:

 

…I thrust my foot backwards Deafened by my pounding heart and the wailing wind I panicked, lashing out blindly I felt my foot connect with his face in a bone shattering impact”

 

Like I said, minor points, you have a very good writing style characterised by well constructed sentences that are often split into two by a central comma (“Nicely balanced” is one expression) – it reads very well.

 

An excellent piece of writing! :thumbsup:

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Thanks Manta :thumbsup: Your comments are certainly very encouraging!

 

I know I tend to get a little 'comma crazy' when I write, so its good to have someone to pick up on these things, as well as suggest improvements on some of my more clumsy lines.

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Here's the second instalment of my short story 'The flood'.

 

This one picks up from where Part 1 left off, but it should really be viewed as a complete work. Enjoy:)

 

The Flood - Part 2

 

Great stuff, :thumbsup:

I'll look forward to reading more from Annoni Mouse

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Great stuff, :thumbsup:

I'll look forward to reading more from Annoni Mouse

 

I've been looking forward to read Part 2, Annoni_mouse. I've spent a few days savouring the moment since you first posted it and decided to read it 15 minutes ago. :)

 

It's been well worth the self-imposed anticipation. :)

 

I entirely agree with coyleys. :)

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Agree with the comments, it is a good story. The pacing overall is really good, the feel is excellent, and our protagonist succeeds more through luck than judgement so the story doesn't stretch credibility and keeps the looters seeming fierce.

 

Like Manta's "swashing" also!

 

On Manta's comments, I think that "bone shattering thud" would be better than "bone shattering impact" - the word impact is too clinical for me and thud would get the message across - just drop the reference to him hearing it - more the feel of "thud".

 

My only comment is about the ending, which is probably unfair as the ending is always a bit easy to change, but the last sentance did lose me a bit. How about replacing:

 

The helicopter hovered above me, combing the area with its spotlight, and as I lay exhausted on the ground, the huge belly of the machine loomed above me like some kind of mechanical raptor, waiting for its moment to plunge down and snatch me.

 

With

 

The spotlight combed the area in widening circles. I lay exhausted on the ground, the huge belly of the machine loomed above like some kind of mechanical raptor, waiting for its moment to plunge down and snatch me.

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