Story: 'My April Contribution.'

Well, it's been a hard challenge and no mistake - it's taken all month to try and work something out. Thanks Mantaspook

GL Note: The theme for April was 'The unreliable narrator.'

Comments and suggestions welcome of course. Just remember, the opinions of the narrator are not necessarily those of the author...

Here is My April contribution

Excellent, just excellent.

The only thing I would alter would be the names. The main character would be Josef (no surname, so as not to give the plot away) and his brother would be Karl or Alos, having said that neither of Josef’s brothers died in the war so we would have to rearrange that somehow.

A truly great story.

Right I’ll have a look at Mantas contribution now.

My contribution will be Sat or Sun

Thank you, Coyleys, for your very kind words. They're much appreciated

Thank you also for the suggestions you raised. I've already PM'd you with a response, but will wait a few more days before saying anything about it in the forum.

This theme has been great for creating paranoia - I've got a vision of us all holding our plots tightly to our chests in case anyone tries to peek at the endings

Absolutly brilliant story and a very well hidden ending, very clever. The name was gift to the tale was'nt it. I feel you over explained the ending a little though as once I got the twist, more was too much. You realy no how to get to the reader though and I was comletely in the wrong direction until the end.

Many thanks Scotty, I've PM'd you

Hi Tallyman,

Another well written story, good misdirection at the start when quoting the famous line from Wilfred Owen's famous poem, Dulce et Decorum Est, so we assume we know the nationality of the narrator.

When the narrator proudly boasts of his patriotism he makes it sound like an honorable thing, but there is a subtle undercurrent of fanaticism when he speaks of being "cocooned in a warming blanket of duty." - a very good choice of words there, cocooned in his own little world where human morals have been suspended, the animals cocooned in their world, in this context, trapped in an constricted, inescapable situation.

This is also a story of contrasts; what makes the narrator particularly repellent is the notion that he professes his love for his brother, (and his country, his parents, even the very concept of dying for some noble cause) whilst in the very same brain there is absolutely nothing left of his humanity that extends to the animals.

The story could perhaps have benefited from a small foreboding moment when Frank is introduced. You'd have to be very subtle so as not to give the final twist away.

Something like:Every measurement must be checked, double checked and verified. Frank's writing is meticulous, lots of practice I expect, my assistants usually end up leaving after a short time, it’s the long hours that get them in the end, you need dedication in this job…"

The tempo of the story seemed just right, a steady, inevitable grind, as though the narrator has resigned himself to his joyless work because it doesn't enter his dull mind to do anything different. Whilst he is a doctor, striving to advance scientific knowledge, he does this with no conscience or humanity whatsoever.

I think the final line of the story is horribly brilliant.

It's debateable whether it could be improved upon, but I'm going to try, here is a final line with two punches, in order not to spoil the ending for the others, click the invisible text below to highlight.

"Like all the animals of Belsen I imagine the Frank girl had a first name, but it never really interested me."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mantaspook - Drat, drat and double drat! I wish I had thought of that alteration! Of course, it's a brilliant improvement to the last line

Thank you, also, for those very kind words, they are much appreciated.

I take your point about the foreboding moment, and that's the trouble when you're trying to write a story with a twist. Because you know it so well yourself, you become over-cautious about putting too many clues in. It's another reason why getting feedback is so useful.

Thanks again!

Hi

can you tell me how I get a password to read your article

Tallyman, goodness that was a chilling tale, and brilliantly written. It had exactly the desired effect of making me go back and read the whole thing again. Don't worry, you don't give too much away - you only realise what the clues are after you've seen the end. (Or I did, anyway).

Espadrille, you can PM Mantaspook for a password. There's a link about joining the writing group here

Hi Espadrille

You need to be a member of the group to read other members' work - it's a simple process, and explained fully here. Join up - you'll get a warm welcome!

Cheers

Tallyman, goodness that was a chilling tale, and brilliantly written. It had exactly the desired effect of making me go back and read the whole thing again. Don't worry, you don't give too much away - you only realise what the clues are after you've seen the end. (Or I did, anyway).

Thank you Sauerkraut

Hi Tallyman,

The story will linger with me... now that I get it!!

But where to start?

At the end I think. I am going to expose my ignorance here, but first time through I didn't get it at all. Second time through I still didn't get it - but started to have suspicions about certain aspects. It was only upon reading the comments of Coyleys and Mantaspook that I saw it in a different light and twigged what the "Frank Girl" thing related to (and that was only because I remembered a particular house I visited in Amsterdam once).

It's clear that some people got it straight away. But whilst Coyleys was revelling in your story's hidden delights I was still scratching my head. Partly I think this is due to my inexperience at deciphering short stories, which is something I can learn, but partly it is due to a historical ignorance. For me it definitely needed the place name mentioned in Mantaspook's hidden comments to give me a hope of working it all out. At least it would give me something concrete to investigate. Coyley’s name suggestion for Josef was also necessary for me and even then I only got that reference because a friend of mine has recently had difficulty explaining to people why he’d called his company “Mingulay Technologies”. “It’s spelt differently” – he explains – “it’s a Scottish Island”.

Mantaspook says "don’t under-estimate the intelligence of the reader", but it’s difficult to know where to pitch it and without the others’ assistance this story would have gone straight over my head.

I’m still wondering if Michael also has a secret significance too. Does he?

In terms of ‘working it out’ I'm noticing that some short stories are more akin to cryptic crosswords than novels and to some degree there are clues that you learn to look out for. I suppose I should focus more on moments where my reading jolts and instead of skipping over it I should stop and think “Aha!! Let’s look closer at this bit.” A bit like the ‘Déjà vu’ moment in ‘The Matrix’. In your story I jolted but skipped over this bit:

“what we’re doing with animals could save their human lives one day”

Referring to “their human lives” rather than “human life” is a bit odd and indicates someone who distinguishes between specific groups of humans. A clue there?

I also jolted the first time he referred to Frank as “her”.

The biggest jolt came when he referred to the “meagre possessions” of the animals, which became my main link to understanding the type of animals in question.

In terms of capturing the character of the man I would stab my finger at the brilliant section where he noticed Frank's mistake and over-reacted, like a mad scientist. I then just had to work out in which way he was mad. I thought that section was really excellent. I’m not sure about the earlier reference to “My Trusty Assistant” though - not sure that fits.

I also wonder if your story could benefit from some “I” surgery. I found this myself - when writing first person I kept writing “I did this” and “I did that” which seemed unavoidable at the time but I wonder if it could be smoothed out a little e.g.

“I had always wanted to be a Doctor, ever since I can remember”

Could be rewritten

“It was my ambition from an early age to become a Doctor”

You remember you suggested I reduce the number of 'Hi's in my story? Well don’t think of this as tit-for-tat – more like “An I for a Hi”. Oh dear. However, of course you are at liberty to keep all the “I”’s. They make it more staccato, which might suit the story better.

Also on a minor point, I thought there were a couple of dialogue bits where you forgot the lessons of last month:

“yes” I tell the junior

“you’re tired Frank”, I say

“time for my rounds” I tell the orderly

“yes” I said

“you’re rambling now Ron” Tallyman says

I hope you don’t mind my rambling, Tallyman. I’ve noticed that you’ve put a lot of thought into giving feedback to others and as we all know, you reap what you sow.