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12-05-2018, 08:36   #21
RiffRaff
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Thanks to the lady at the Adult Care section, we were finally able to place the old boy at a care home late on Wednesday.
Luckily the arrangement is open-ended, as his wife is still in the NGH, making slow progress. We've just heard that he's getting assessed by Social Services this coming Monday, which should help sort out the financial situation, which is a separate nightmare in itself.
I haven't visited since.
I can't.
He must be traumatised. Strange place, strange routines...he must be utterly confused and not a little terrified.
If I went he'd assume he was leaving, and would react badly when he found out that he wasn't. There would be absolutely no way of explaining the reason for him being there, as he was mistaking his daughter for his wife and therefore in denial that his wife was in hospital. Besides, even if the situation did make any sense to him, 10 seconds later he'd have forgotten and be in denial again.
Bless him, all the way there he kept asking if I was definitely waiting for him and taking him back home, and I, of course, continued to have to lie to him.
I haven't slept very well since.
It doesn't, as they say, rest easy on my shoulders.
Yes, there was/is no option, but I have to say that I'm not very proud of myself...
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16-05-2018, 17:56   #22
Anna B
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You poor, poor man.

What can I say, except you have my utmost sympathy.

You have been through an awful lot and done your very best in an almost impossible situation, but I can understand your pain.

Can I suggest you talk to the people at the care home. You won't be the first to feel like this, and they will have come across this situation many times before. They may be able to help with some advice on how to proceed. I'm sure they will understand how you feel, and will also know how to settle your father and make him comfortable.

It may not be as bad as you think. Don't let an understandable but totally 'unnecessary feeling of 'shame' stand between you and your father.
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28-07-2018, 22:17   #23
foxydebs
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How is the situation, my grandparents Are in their nineties and my grandma cares for my grandad.
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29-07-2018, 09:14   #24
Jomie
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Foxydebs - if you haven’t already done so, ask Social Services for a carers assessment as soon as possible. They might offer a telephone assessment but due to the age of your grandparents a home visit with the next of kin present would probably be better.

Your grandparents should be registered on the emergency carers scheme. They will receive a card with a telephone number on it. This can be used if gran becomes ill or dies suddenly and there is no one to take care of grandad. It is helpful because SSD will know that he is vulnerable and unable to look after himself. Having all the background information will enable them to act speedily. They might also be able to help with respite care and/or help in the home at the present time if family and friends are not able to assist.

Too late for grandad, but while gran is able, get Power of Attorney if possible.

Last edited by Jomie; 29-07-2018 at 09:39.
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29-07-2018, 12:42   #25
RiffRaff
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foxydebs View Post
How is the situation, my grandparents Are in their nineties and my grandma cares for my grandad.
Original poster here, foxydebs....

Things eventually resolved themselves - my father-in-law is still in the care home that was originally found, on an 'open-ended date' basis, meaning that it's possible for him to leave if a certain notice period was advised. Frankly, this isn't going to happen...we are prepared for him to spend the rest of his days there.
My mother-in-law is now back home, following time at both hospital and rehabilitation/rest home. A care package was set up for her, which covered extra bannister rails being fitted at home, and a carer visiting on a daily basis for 2 weeks. This could've been extended, but wasn't, as the old dear in question was "fine".
(She wasn't, of course, but try telling her that....)
We also had a key safe installed on an outside wall - to allow emergency house entry - and some kind of telephone/speaker gadget that alerts some care centre, who can send assistance in an emergency.
One of the major problems we had - even after the care home had been found - was paying for it! I don't mean the financial side of things, but the fact that a direct debit arrangement was required....and you can't set up a DD on other than a current account. Needless to say, only savings accounts were held in this instance, and therefore a new account had to be set up, and a balance transferred to cope with the monthly debit.
Shall I just say that Nationwide - with whom the accounts were held - were unbelievably unhelpful overall, and were initially adamant that nothing could be done without one of the account holders calling into branch....tricky, when both parties are in homes!
(I did complain officially on Nationwide's site but never received a response, even though the site's acknowledgement stated a reply within 7 days.)

All the advice given in earlier posts above is valid and helpful, by the way.
"Do what you can in advance" would be my two-pen'orth...

Incidentally, one of the major problems was that the original 'event' happened on a Bank Holiday weekend - in effect, the 'system' shuts down and therefore fails in the main.
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29-07-2018, 13:58   #26
Jomie
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Some useful information in RiffRaffís post (thank you for updating the thread). Itís not unusual for carers to become ill or die before the person for whom they are caring. The stresses of caring may be to blame.

RiffRaff is correct - it is best to be prepared because things will begin to go awry at some point - a case of when, not if. Regarding RiffRaffís explanation re finances, do get Power of Attorney asap because that could save time and money.
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06-08-2018, 21:52   #27
foxydebs
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jomie View Post
Foxydebs - if you havenít already done so, ask Social Services for a carers assessment as soon as possible. They might offer a telephone assessment but due to the age of your grandparents a home visit with the next of kin present would probably be better.

Your grandparents should be registered on the emergency carers scheme. They will receive a card with a telephone number on it. This can be used if gran becomes ill or dies suddenly and there is no one to take care of grandad. It is helpful because SSD will know that he is vulnerable and unable to look after himself. Having all the background information will enable them to act speedily. They might also be able to help with respite care and/or help in the home at the present time if family and friends are not able to assist.

Too late for grandad, but while gran is able, get Power of Attorney if possible.
Last time he was in hospital, carers were set up for him on discharge and within 2 months my grandma had cancelled them.
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07-08-2018, 13:54   #28
Jomie
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Foxydebs - you possibly misread my message. I wasn’t referring to granny and granded having carers - that is a separate issue. If gran doesn’t want carers in her home, that’s her decision.

Have a look here for an explanation of the emergency carers scheme. If grandma cannot continue caring, at least social services are aware that grandad is in need of care and know who to contact etc. The assessment is not intrusive. If grandad can’t manage alone, you can say that if grandma can no longer care for her husband, he will need to be found a care home. This can then go on his record.

Power of Attorney is a very useful thing to have and will make managing their affairs easier once they cannot do it themselves.

If you want to avoid the traumatic experience of the OP, these are things that will assist you.

Last edited by Jomie; 07-08-2018 at 13:56.
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07-08-2018, 14:30   #29
foxydebs
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jomie View Post
Foxydebs - you possibly misread my message. I wasnít referring to granny and granded having carers - that is a separate issue. If gran doesnít want carers in her home, thatís her decision.

Have a look here for an explanation of the emergency carers scheme. If grandma cannot continue caring, at least social services are aware that grandad is in need of care and know who to contact etc. The assessment is not intrusive. If grandad canít manage alone, you can say that if grandma can no longer care for her husband, he will need to be found a care home. This can then go on his record.

Power of Attorney is a very useful thing to have and will make managing their affairs easier once they cannot do it themselves.

If you want to avoid the traumatic experience of the OP, these are things that will assist you.
I did try to private message you last night but it said you weren't accepting private messages.

---------- Post added 07-08-2018 at 14:48 ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jomie View Post
Foxydebs - you possibly misread my message. I wasnít referring to granny and granded having carers - that is a separate issue. If gran doesnít want carers in her home, thatís her decision.

Have a look here for an explanation of the emergency carers scheme. If grandma cannot continue caring, at least social services are aware that grandad is in need of care and know who to contact etc. The assessment is not intrusive. If grandad canít manage alone, you can say that if grandma can no longer care for her husband, he will need to be found a care home. This can then go on his record.

Power of Attorney is a very useful thing to have and will make managing their affairs easier once they cannot do it themselves.

If you want to avoid the traumatic experience of the OP, these are things that will assist you.
I've tried to find the emergency scheme through barnsley council before and it just sends you to an assessment for domi or resi care.
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07-08-2018, 19:44   #30
Jomie
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I am not familiar with Barnsley local authority. If the the information on this page is not helpful, telephone Barnsley Council - Adult Social Care 01226 773300 and ask for the social services duty officer.

Don't know if this would be of any use but might be worth trying: Barnsley Independent Alzheimers And Dementia Support, 01226 280057.
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