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Should I confront my Auntie?

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Last week quite by chance I found my cousin after 35 years .

 

We met up at the weekend both of us lost a parent in our younger years , We had another cousin too who was a step cousin , we all three of us really liked each other and shared some lovely childhood memories.

However I was told when I left home these cousins didn't want me as I was adopted .

Our childhoods where robbed from us and our relationships broken , all three of us had various forms or mental and physical abuse . Now we have one older auntie still alive.

 

Would you confront her and ask why she didnt protect us , she must have seen what was going on , she knew what her brother and sister was like ?

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You could but I doubt any answer you get would make things any better. As sad as it is you cant get your childhoods back but you can make some wonderful new memories together.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

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Last week quite by chance I found my cousin after 35 years .

 

We met up at the weekend both of us lost a parent in our younger years , We had another cousin too who was a step cousin , we all three of us really liked each other and shared some lovely childhood memories.

However I was told when I left home these cousins didn't want me as I was adopted .

Our childhoods where robbed from us and our relationships broken , all three of us had various forms or mental and physical abuse . Now we have one older auntie still alive.

 

Would you confront her and ask why she didnt protect us , she must have seen what was going on , she knew what her brother and sister was like ?

 

I come across similar questions at work. My advice generally consists of a few questions:

 

A) Would it change anything for them?

B) Would it change anything for you?

 

If B>A then it might be worth it.

 

It is always difficult though as you also introduce C - conflict.

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I come across similar questions at work. My advice generally consists of a few questions:

 

A) Would it change anything for them?

B) Would it change anything for you?

 

If B>A then it might be worth it.

 

It is always difficult though as you also introduce C - conflict.

Good advice.

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The key word here is your use of the word ‘confront’. It conveys some level of dissatisfaction and that you have preconceived notions about her and about the situation. If so, it is unlikely to achieve much, except more angst for you and for auntie. It rather sounds as if you are looking for someone to blame.

 

However, if you feel that it is beneficial to your mental health to talk to her about the past then you could ask her if she is willing to do so. A letter would help to break the ice. Presumably she is getting on in years and it may be painful to recall and discuss these matters. Hopefully you would not want to distress her.

 

An abusive parent will commonly try to separate his children from extended family. This is to maintain control and to prevent interference. Mostly, it is men who want to separate their partner from her family. Sometimes they will even move house/area to achieve their goal. Please remember that relatives such as aunts have no legal rights unless they are granted by the court. It could well be that actually there was nothing she could have done.

Edited by Jomie

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To be honest - i think its pointless asking .

Everyone has potentially gone through something like you but no one else will have been through the same as you.

 

If you're asking the question then in all honesty YOU want to ask the questions to your Aunt. If you knew there was a good reason not to do so you wouldn't be looking for support of your opinion.

It won't make you feel any better and it won't help the relationship one jot.

 

I met my real father aged 23 and told him i didn't want to see him again - there is no excuse for not being in contact that would make me accept the fact. So pointless trying to build a relationship based on the premise that there may have been a reason.

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Last week quite by chance I found my cousin after 35 years .

 

We met up at the weekend both of us lost a parent in our younger years , We had another cousin too who was a step cousin , we all three of us really liked each other and shared some lovely childhood memories.

However I was told when I left home these cousins didn't want me as I was adopted .

Our childhoods where robbed from us and our relationships broken , all three of us had various forms or mental and physical abuse . Now we have one older auntie still alive.

 

Would you confront her and ask why she didn't protect us , she must have seen what was going on , she knew what her brother and sister was like ?

 

It is quite possible that your surviving aunt didn't and still doesn't know a thing about this.

 

Controlling and abusive family members can be very good at hiding it from the rest of the family.

 

A friend's dad was very controlling of both the kids and his wife. For 30 odd years no-one suspected anything of the sort. He was the kind of bloke that'd do owt for anyone, at least that's the front he showed anyone else.

It wasn't until dementia took hold and destroyed his ability to keep up the facade that anyone cottoned on.

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I come across similar questions at work. My advice generally consists of a few questions:

 

A) Would it change anything for them?

B) Would it change anything for you?

 

If B>A then it might be worth it.

 

It is always difficult though as you also introduce C - conflict.

 

I had a similar situation and I would also say leave it.

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Confront is a very strong word, I certainly wouldn't suggest you do that; after all, you don't know how things look from her perspective.

 

You could gently let her know what you've found out, and that if she wants to talk about it, you'll listen with understanding to her side of things. Just sounds like a situation that requires a good degree of tact, allowing your aunt space to volunteer information she has, in her own time, in her own way.

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