Yorkshire Accent

Hiya - I'm writing a play for school - part of it involves a man called Bill and woman called Barbara - both from Sheffield, and another woman called Anne from Newcastle.

I'd just like to know if what I've written below sounds like Yorkshire accent/dialogue. It involves 3 scenes.... Thank you very much, native speakers !

Bill at the Job Centre

Hello, sir. May I take your name, please?

Bill.

And your surname?

Bradley.

Thank you. Please take a seat. An advisor will be with you shortly.

Hello. Is this Bill? Bill Bradley?

Yes, mate.

Perfect. Please come with me to my office.

Do take a seat.

Where? Here, or there?

Anywhere should suffice.

Right, as might know, the reason for your being here concerns your claim for disability benefit. It has come to our attention that, for the past three years since your renewed claim in 2015, you have been making a fraudulent claim.

Come again?

In other words, you’ve been claiming benefit when you shouldn’t have been.

But I’ve got a bad back. Ask my doctor, he’ll tell you how bad it can get.

Not according to our information.

Some days I can’t get out of bed. My wife comes and takes care of me. Ask her, she’ll tell you the full story.

I’m afraid that’s not necessary. It’s my job to assess your case on the available evidence we have, and I can regrettably say that I’m left with no choice but to suspend your disability benefit.

You what? How am I supposed to live? To buy food? You’re making me homeless – that’s what you’re doing.

That is your problem, Mr Bradley. It is simply our job to maintain the integrity of Her Majesty’s Department for Work and Pensions.

Despicable. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have emailed you further information regarding your employment options, which you might find useful in helping to find employment in the future. Now, I would kindly ask that we terminate this appointment – I feel that we have discussed everything we needed to.

Now you look here, you might think yourself all posh with that big office and chair, but when push comes to shove, folk like you get what’s coming to you in the end.

I would like to remind you Mr Bradley that it is a criminal offence to threaten staff at the Department for Work and Pensions.

Come here you lousy get.

Security!

****Barbara and Bill****

Alright, love?

No. A bit knackered to tell you truth.

Been at that gym again?

You’re kidding, right?

Well, Jimmy said you’ve been trying to lose weight?

Yeah – trying. I’m still 2 pounds heavier than last week.

It must be all that water in me. I’ve been drinking it by the gallon me.

There’s nowt wrong with that Bill – it’s good for you, y’know?

Might be good, but it tastes horrible. Give me a good glass of that Rum instead.

What? And undo all your hard work at the gym? I don’t think so pal.

Here, have this.

I, what’s that?

Your health in a bottle.

Drink it. It’ll do you the world of good that.

Blimey. That’s good stuff is that.

Told you.

Mind you, the packaging looks like foreign rubbish - all those silly symbols, but it tastes good – I’ll give it that.

Foreign? Come now, Bill. What did I say about being racist?

Racist? Me? You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? I thought you of all people should know I’m not one to be a racist. That Jimmy’s black. I’ve known him 34 years. Me and him used to go for pint together after work. Mind you, I don’t know much of him now, what with him being sent to that prison in, where was it, Kenya?

Zimbabwe, actually. Well, you know, one of them countries.

Oh, Bill, what am I going to do with you?

Leave me alone to watch this racing, that’s what you can do, love. There’s a good girl.

I’ve had just about enough of this. I’m going to Anne’s tonight. Make your own tea. And don’t forget to let that dog out. I don’t want him peeing all over my new rug.

What? That bit of old tat. A bit of pee might add some colour to it. Liven it up a bit. Goin'? Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

Bye, Bill.

Anne and Barbara.

Here, come on in, pet. Let me take that big coat off you. You're liked a drowned rat.

Oh, that’s better.

It’s been chucking it down like that for days. I wish it’d brighten up a bit. I mean, I’m all for a bit of rain because they say it’s good for the garden, but not all this lot we’re getting. It does make me worry about those hydrangeas I bought from that new flower shop in town. Oh, what’s it called now, you know, erm… Oh, I’ve lost it…

Shelby’s?

Yes. That’s it. Very friendly Asian owners they are. The girl’s training to be a nurse. She couldn’t do enough for you, but I’m not too keen on her partner. He’s a bit standoffish. Anyway, how are you keeping, pet?

Not great if I’m honest.

Don’t tell me, Bill’s been drinking again?

Not quite.

I know, he's been down that bookies again. You tell him, that money is for Sarah's university.

No...

I, what is it, pet?

Well… I just don’t know if…

Don’t worry, pet. You can tell your old friend Anne. What’s on your mind?

I want a divorce.

You say what? Oh, come here. There, there pet. Don’t worry. Your old pal Anne’s here for you. Here, dry those eyes.

I just don’t love him anymore!