Sheffield Forum

Syrup's joke thread (part 5)

Home > General > General Discussions > I'm Bored!

Topic Closed
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
21-07-2011, 22:04   #1021
owlshihgreen
Registered User
owlshihgreen's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2011
Total Posts: 294
Why .....do Supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why ....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering..

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
But darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
21-07-2011, 22:06   #1022
owlshihgreen
Registered User
owlshihgreen's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2011
Total Posts: 294
I took my dad to Meadowhall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
 
22-07-2011, 17:22   #1023
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.
"You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother.
"What's heat, Mummy?" asked Johnny.
"Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Mummy.
"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Mummy says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"
His dad was cleaning his tools in some petrol. He took a rag, dipped it in the petrol and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.
About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.
"Where's Molly?" his dad asked.
"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny,
"But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."
 
22-07-2011, 17:25   #1024
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w***er
 
22-07-2011, 17:28   #1025
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
He said. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said. You wear pants don't you?

He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV!

He said. . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said. They don't have time

He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said. They already have boyfriends.

She said. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. A widow.

He said. Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
23-07-2011, 14:05   #1026
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
 
24-07-2011, 13:39   #1027
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
Little Johnny is in school and it is near christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher.

Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers. She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn't it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies, "It was just a random guess Ross thank you."

Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn't it?" Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."

Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery. She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn't it?" Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head. She eventually gives in and says, "Ok Johnny I give in what is it?"

And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!"
 
25-07-2011, 15:10   #1028
Kidorry
Registered User
Kidorry's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2008
Total Posts: 4,543
Status: Online
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity.



He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this.. Whose funeral is it?"



"My wife's.", answered the man.



''What happened to her?", the curious man asked.



The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
_______
A has been is better than a never will be.
 
25-07-2011, 15:12   #1029
Kidorry
Registered User
Kidorry's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2008
Total Posts: 4,543
Status: Online
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery.'
'What's dat?' says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut.' says Paddy
_______
A has been is better than a never will be.
 
25-07-2011, 17:55   #1030
rossyrooney
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: gleadless sheffield.
Total Posts: 63,064
A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be her most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait - sorry!

I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that!

Never mind.
 
25-07-2011, 20:10   #1031
chimay
Registered User
chimay's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2009
Location: East Anglia
Total Posts: 24,492
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was
Eat, drink and be Mary


Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for
Some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban,
Beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next
To a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s
Hope it’s not the 13th then.”


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover
The house. Turns out she was a Slovak


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it
Gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.


Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything
Gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest
I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part
In the school play and he was playing
A man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son,
Maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”


Just had my water bill of 175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can
Supply a whole African village for Just 2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they
Gave me a lecture on the
Benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
_______
This isn't war, this is pest control.

Grief is the price we pay for love.
 
26-07-2011, 14:33   #1032
mh01
Forum Rascal
mh01's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2009
Total Posts: 36,872
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humour."
_______
V
 
26-07-2011, 14:46   #1033
denlin
Registered User
denlin's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: sheffield
Total Posts: 29,815
Quote:
Originally Posted by dacrlit View Post
I don't know whether this is a joke or not? But yesterday I went to a funeral that should have been at 1 or so I thought, it should have been at 10, I was reading the date as the time (July 1).
NOT
 
26-07-2011, 16:41   #1034
denlin
Registered User
denlin's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: sheffield
Total Posts: 29,815
Quote:
Originally Posted by mh01 View Post
paddy says "im thinking of leaving the wife...she hasnt spoken to me for months" mick replies "you better think it over paddy-women like that are hard to come by"!
 
28-07-2011, 12:21   #1035
Joanl
Potty Pensioner
Joanl's Avatar
 
Forum Helper
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Made in Sheffield now Bournemouth,just by the Pier
Total Posts: 12,478
Thread closed. For next part click here
_______
Wise people speak because they have something to say.
Fools speak because they have to say something.

--------------------------------------
]
 
Topic Closed

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 21:14.
POSTS ON THIS FORUM ARE NOT ACTIVELY MONITORED
Click "Report Post" under any post which may breach our terms of use.
©2002-2017 Sheffield Forum | Powered by vBulletin ©2017

Nimbus Server