Sheffield Forum
Your message here

Syrup's Joke Thread (Part 9)

Home > General > General Discussions > I'm Bored!

Reply To Topic
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
30-07-2016, 20:30   #461
Kidorry
Registered User
Kidorry's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2008
Total Posts: 4,543
The US Presidency


If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. Presidential election, it would be the first time in history that two U.S. Presidents would have slept with each other.
_______
A has been is better than a never will be.
  Reply With Quote
03-08-2016, 20:38   #462
CorkerSWFC
Footy Fanatic
CorkerSWFC's Avatar
 
Joined: Jul 2006
Total Posts: 36,322
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
_______
There's Only one Ben Wilson !!! Never forgotton
  Reply With Quote
05-08-2016, 20:24   #463
owlshihgreen
Registered User
owlshihgreen's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2011
Total Posts: 294
We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.
Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark...




I'll get me coat!

---------- Post added 05-08-2016 at 21:14 ----------

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
  Reply With Quote
12-08-2016, 14:34   #464
RabM
Registered User
RabM's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2011
Total Posts: 227
I had to tell my daughter off for saying "My bad" instead of "I'm sorry".
"But don't they mean the same thing?"
"Not at a funeral."
  Reply With Quote
27-12-2016, 13:05   #465
kingdom
Registered User
 
Joined: Mar 2014
Location: rotherham
Total Posts: 433
A guy walks into a doctor''s office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"
The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."
  Reply With Quote
23-01-2017, 23:22   #466
RabM
Registered User
RabM's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2011
Total Posts: 227
Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?


A: Trump won't pay to have a lentil on his face.
-----------------------------
Southerners are being warned not to travel unless absolutely necessary as snow, ice and blizzards approach.

Northerners, you'll need your coat.
--------------------------
  Reply With Quote
17-02-2017, 20:42   #467
Kidorry
Registered User
Kidorry's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2008
Total Posts: 4,543
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
_______
A has been is better than a never will be.
  Reply With Quote
18-02-2017, 00:23   #468
mossdog
Registered User
 
Joined: Feb 2006
Total Posts: 4,033
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidorry View Post
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
My Scottish forebears must be turning in their grave that such a power crazed mad politician has risen to such heights!
  Reply With Quote
23-02-2017, 12:06   #469
Padders
Registered User
 
Joined: Oct 2010
Total Posts: 6,322
special new year giveaway! hundreds of batteries. completely free of charge.
  Reply With Quote
23-02-2017, 14:01   #470
ianparkin
Registered User
 
Joined: Aug 2005
Total Posts: 637
From the Rotherham Advertiser:

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her buttocks to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.

The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an buttocks inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
  Reply With Quote
26-02-2017, 23:28   #471
Tobyjug
Registered User
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Stannington
Total Posts: 185
My father was regularly having sex at 88, which was great for him as he lived at No.94
  Reply With Quote
26-03-2017, 17:28   #472
cressida
Princess Cool
cressida's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: In a bar near you soon
Total Posts: 22,372
Female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."


"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
_______
'The more you ignore me the closer I get' Morrissey

Alphabetti Spaghetti
  Reply With Quote
04-04-2017, 12:12   #473
RabM
Registered User
RabM's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2011
Total Posts: 227
RIP Ronnie Corbett.

I've lit four candles for him.
  Reply With Quote
10-05-2017, 12:17   #474
RabM
Registered User
RabM's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2011
Total Posts: 227
Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

---------- Post added 12-05-2017 at 15:06 ----------

We sat with tears of laughter in our eyes and as the programme ended my wife said,

"God that was funny, when is it on again? "

"I don't know about the Conservatives, " I replied, "but there is a Labour one on tomorrow night. "
  Reply With Quote
04-06-2017, 21:59   #475
Shogun
Registered User
Shogun's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: sheffield lane top
Total Posts: 3,291
The wife left a note on the fridge it said its just not working so Im going to my mums for a while..funny as I opened the fridge the light came and my tinny was proper nice and cold...
_______
Me and Marley on a day out in the shogun...
  Reply With Quote
02-11-2017, 11:27   #476
RabM
Registered User
RabM's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2011
Total Posts: 227
I missed the rock band Elbow's last tour but managed to see their tribute act Arse.

To be honest, I couldn't tell them apart.
  Reply With Quote
10-12-2017, 15:15   #477
Carmen.
Registered User
Carmen.'s Avatar
 
Joined: May 2011
Location: Derbyshire.
Total Posts: 7,631
Send a message via AIM to Carmen.
No joke. I miss Rossy Rooney at this time.
_______
Life is merely froth and bubble, two things stand as stone.. Kindness in another's trouble, courage in one's own.
  Reply With Quote
12-12-2017, 18:31   #478
cressida
Princess Cool
cressida's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: In a bar near you soon
Total Posts: 22,372
I said to Mr Cress “if you would have saved all the money you’ve spent over the years on cigarettes you could have had a Rolls Royce “ he said to me” you’ve never smoked have you?” I smugly answered “no” , he shouted “WHERES YOUR ********* ROLLS ROYCE THEN”.
_______
'The more you ignore me the closer I get' Morrissey

Alphabetti Spaghetti
  Reply With Quote
Reply To Topic

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:19.
POSTS ON THIS FORUM ARE NOT ACTIVELY MONITORED
Click "Report Post" under any post which may breach our terms of use.
©2002-2017 Sheffield Forum | Powered by vBulletin ©2017

Nimbus Server