Fareast

I 'm sure that only the English [ or North Koreans ? ] could spend so much energy and time over a young geezer being naked in the same room as a young woman. Shock ! Horror ! Gasp ! What an infantile country we 've turned into. Even the Victorians might have shrugged their shoulders and simply carried on with their lives.

If the smoking bans have made the U.K. a bit healthier, the next thing we must clamp down on is alcohol. Cut out all advertising ; alcohol only sold in plain brown bottles, complete with various health warnings and a picture of a mangled body involved in a car crash----or a diseased kidney ? We might then also see crime, anti-social behaviour and domestic violence reduce too ? People would only be allowed to drink alcohol in bare, dark rooms, away from children or the vulnerable. And what about fatty foods and people who only drive for pleasure ? We could soon turn the U.K. into the healthiest nation in the world !! We could then twin our wonderful paradise with North Korea ! What a great future awaits us ! Cheers !

It 's not surprising that Twitter has loads of idiots taking part in its inane twaddle. The whole of the U.k. has idiots to spare-----and then some !

Caller ] Hello, is that Blaggings PLC ? Staffer ] Yeah, pal, that 's right Caller ] Well, I want to order some oxy-aceteline gear, 3 ski masks and a nice little shooter. Staffer ] O.k. Sir. No problem. How would like you pay ? By card .....or fraud.....HaHaha...Hee HeeHee Caller ] I 'll pay 10 % of what we get on our next ' work experience ' and leave it in the flower bed, outside the nick, like last time. Staffer ] O.k., mate. ' Peterman ' Jimmy 'll pick it up on Monday morning. He 's on the Garden Party now. Well, all the best.......hope your new job goes.........with a bang, so to speak !! Bye-eee !

If we could get Boris to lead the Tories and Prescott to lead Labour, at least Prime Minister 's Question Time would be entertaining :- B.J. ] You are just talking absolute piffle, old boy !! The jolly old NHS was created in 1848, NOT 1948 !! You are just a bounder and a cad and....... J.P.] Yer wot !! Yer big daft hay-perth ! I tek great exceptionables to wot tha 's just sed. Everybody knows that ol' Ernie Bevin cremated Healthy Services in 1918, just after t ' war an ' anuvver thing..............

I think the Olympic commentators [ professional and otherwise ] on T.V. need a WIDER range of adjectives-----after about a million ' fantastic ', ' exciting ' [s ], 'awesome[s]', ' wonderful ', I 've got a severe adjectival headache. How about a few of these :- ' Boring, mundane, money-wasting, over-hyped '. ? Also, do adjectives at sporting events HAVE to be screeched ??

I, myself, have shown off, posed and danced around roof tops all over the U.K. This was usually to attract attention to myself and get some [ monetary ] sympathy where possible. Unfortunately it hardly ever worked. Normally I was completely ignored or dragged off by the Old Bill and locked up for causing a public nuisance. I 've packed it in now and instead go round dressed up as John Prescott. The reaction, sad to say, is about the same.

I wonder who 'll get the gold medal for using the following adjectives the most ? Fantastic, exciting, awesome, spectacular, wonderful, spine-tingling, stupendous............... You can bet your life no commentator will dare use words like :- boring, mind-numbing, silly, over-expensive, pointless, moronic .................or plain daft. That would be the equivalent of treason and probably result in a dawn swoop followed by a quick lynching.

I can honestly [ and modestly ] state that I have always been a bit of alright-----cute as a boy-----handsome as a young man -----and even ' interesting ' as an old geezer well past any known sell-by date. The secret for a man to look good is-----loose living, lots of alcohol and cigarettes, a good few pep-pills, and an indiscriminate appetite-----but all pre-70 years of age. Then, is the time to slow down. After 70, nothing much matters so you can stop worrying and dashing about...............and really relax. A cup of cocoa and a ginger biscuit is far better than any nightclub after you 've hit the OAP range------and better for the skin too !

Yes, Mr. Shaw, I think you may well be right----in fact I 'd go further than that ! I think Mr. Wiggins is a completely, made-up figure, invented to give the UK a pre-Olympic boost. He doesn 't look real and behaves far too well to be a real, living British sportsman. One thing 's for sure-------I 'm sick and tired of news reports about Mr. Wiggins------must have heard him mentioned about a 1000 times in the last week.

I have been called a weirdo simply because I 'm a founder member of the Ed Balls fan club. I listen to Balls as often as I can. Balls is the new face of Britain and is the only politician who can lead us back to glory. Labour has had many fine leaders-----Foot, Brown, Blair and Kinnock, to name a few----but none can aspire to reach the heights of our very own Ed. Balls for ever !

When I did teaching practice many moons ago, I was at a middle school with a great Dep. Headteacher. He never minded telling stories against himself. One day he had his usual double maths with a really difficult class and he was dreading it. He hadn 't been teaching very long at that time. It was always difficult to control this class, never mind actually teach them anything. However on this particular afternoon everything went perfectly. They all sat spellbound for practically the whole 80 minutes. Inside he was jubilant, " At last !! I 'm a successful teacher. I 've cracked the secret of using charisma in passing on knowledge ! " You 've guessed it. For the whole double lesson his flies had been undone. What made it doubly embarrassing was that that day he was wearing really bright red underpants.

It 's just been announced that lack of fitness is as big a killer as smoking ! So, very soon, the idle and the obese will be joining us smokers and boozers in the Hall of Shame. I suggest that we Undesirables unite as one to defend our way of life. Let us set up Retreats, on the lines of holiday camps where we can smoke, drink, eat beefburgers and lie on couches all day watching television. No talk of money-wasting, childish Olympics, Football or Wimbledon would be allowed ; even less, no playing of sports !! No taking the slightest notice of Health Freaks or finger-wagging health ' experts ' or Do-Gooders. Come On Brothers----it would be just like Orgreave or St.Petersburg, 1917 all over again. Have a cigarette, grab a drink, chill out with double whammyburger and chips......and switch Corrie on quick ! The Fight-Back Has Begun !!

I 'm sure it would save money if the Old Bill had a fake helicopter hovering over Sheffield 5, all the time. This would give the unruly elements who live there, pause for thought. They could also have a loud, booming voice, coming from the helicopter, shouting out, ' Stop That You Little Toe-Rag----Or You 're Nicked !! '.........about every 5 minutes. Might work ?

Rolf Harris, Diane Abbott, Ewan Davies, David Beckham and Ed Balls......that horrible quintet would make any dinner party go with a bang. Let 's just hope the bang was big enough !!

The Americans ought to be ashamed of getting rid of their wise, old, elders and betters, over 200 years ago. We taught them how to use a knife and fork and how to spell properly. Now look what 's happened ! They cut everything up and eat with the fork only.............and can 't spell words like ' theatre ' and ' centre '. I bet even their butlers and footmen are only half-trained ! So, shame on you, America ! In fact we might never help you out again !

Maybe the police reaction was nothing to do with terrorism ?? Maybe it was the normal drama queen reaction we get these days if it even SEEMS that someone might be smoking ! I can well imagine the Old Bill tasering some poor old geezer who forgets------and lights up a proper cigarette on a train or in a pub. It doesn 't take much for the Brits to get hysterical !

When I lived in Sheffield many years ago, I was always having a nibble at Nobby 's Nuts. Please don 't say you can 't get hold of 'em anymore ! It 's the equivalent of losing Henderson 's Relish------disgraceful !

When I was last in Bochum I had to use a vibrator [ for strictly medical purposes ] and I can vouch that German vibrators are very powerful. [ I know Cressida won 't believe the ' medical purposes ' bit but I 'm sure my special therapist would vouch for me, if necessary ].

Well, I 'm glad the Fatties are getting some of the blame for wiping out mankind. It 'll make a change from blaming us smokers. What about the alcoholics, ' drive for pleasure ' car owners, drug addicts ? Maybe if all the anti-social types banded together and increased their nuisance value it might reduce the threat of over-population ? Now that IS a problem !

Well, sevenmonkeys, I have thought of packing in smoking and snorting a bit of C. instead ; or maybe drowning my sorrows in whiskey and chasers-----plus I 'd get to move up the social scale, I think !

Just been reading [ The Star, internet, today ] where £750,000 will be spent in South Yorkshire on alcoholics and drug addicts. Well, don 't worry about the cost folks ! We nicotine addicts will finance it out of our tax on tobacco. Also, we will be thinking of you, sitting in the warm bar whilst we stand outside in the cold and rain getting OUR fix. Aren 't we full of the of the milk of human kindness ?

When I see those holiday adverts for the UK on t.v., with glorious beaches,' olde worlde ' villages, well-set up people, frolicking happily with their well-behaved offspring, smiling waiters and giggling reception staff---------well, I have to reach for the sick bucket. The reality is loud, fat, coarse parents with badly-behaved brats running amok on beaches and in bars and cafes ; miserable, inefficient, arrogant staff in pubs, hotels and cafes and restaurants ; overpriced, horrible boarding houses with more rules than a maximum security nick. In the holiday ads, it 's always hot and sunny-------the reality is, more often than not, cold, blustery, wet summers, overladen with cloud. It 's heart-breaking to see the British holidaymaker trying to make the best of a bad job----trying to put deck chairs up in gale force winds, stuffing the kids with burgers to stop them whining and drinking themselves senseless every night in an attempt to blot out the misery of their British ' holiday '.

Well, Cressida [ post 37 ], I wouldn 't dare imagine what Pauline might or might not do to Big J. in the privacy of their cosy, little mansions...........but surely, even those two couldn 't sabotage the Olympics , openly ? [ Much as it needs sabotaging ]. To think we have weeks and weeks of this overpriced junk to try and avoid. The irony of it is, that licence payers are paying the BBC for the coverage. Sad.....sad.....sad

It would have been a lot cheaper to have ' Professor ' John Prescott, dressed up as a public school teacher, riding round the arena on a Penny Farthing. Even putting him up in 5* hotel and giving him all he could scoff, surely wouldn 't cost 27 million ? Would it ?