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RiffRaff

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  1. "These ones". On the increase, I'm afraid. "I think I prefer these ones..." Nope. All it needs is "I think I prefer these..." Nearly as annoying as "for free"....but not quite.
  2. There's a company on Rutland Road that's maybe worth trying....
  3. Only repeating what was mentioned on the radio.
  4. Many of the pubs that are opening are not opening their toilets because of the 1 metre rule. You can only hope that they bother to point this out before you enter!
  5. Coffee. Mug. No, I'm not bothered what colour. Nescafe. 2 large teaspoons. 2 sugars. Black. Ta. The earlier conversation had actually taken place, by the way! Not word perfect, but close enough. Even more ridiculous was the fact that I haven't drunk tea in well over 50 years...but it was still offered as an option! Little wonder I'm going mad! Hahahaha. Brilliant!
  6. Sure you don't want tea? You can have tea if you want....
  7. No, not for the better. More irritable. More acerbic. More argumentative. So I'm told. I don't seem to be able to finish anything I start, usually being interrupted. The dog, the postman, the courier trying to get me to take a neighbour's parcel. The phone. The days drag, but fly by. "Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please". "Or tea? You can have tea if you want." "Coffee's fine." "Sure?" "Yes, for Christ's sake! Coffee!" "OK, OK! No need to get funny about it!" "Right! Sorry! Tea! I'll have tea!" "Or you can have a coffee if you really want..." See what I mean? Irritable!
  8. Apparently Doncaster has to watch out - it may well become "Leicester 2" according to an expert on Radio 4...
  9. I agree Lee Mack is very quick-witted on programmes like WILTY, and the original "Not Going Out" series - with the American landlady - was OK as well. The last (couple?) of series weren't so hot - I think they should've called a halt when the pair got married. It was because of WILTY and NGO that I watched a recording of one of his stand-up shows, and it was like watching a different comedian - foul-mouthed, not particularly funny, and frankly boring after a few minutes.
  10. And just when you hoped it was (beginning to be) all over.... A new strain of flu that has the potential to become a pandemic has been identified in China by scientists. It emerged recently and is carried by pigs, but can infect humans. The researchers are concerned that it could mutate further so that it can spread easily from person to person, and trigger a global outbreak. The virus, which the researchers call G4 EA H1N1, can grow and multiply in the cells that line the human airways. They found evidence of recent infection starting in people who worked in abattoirs and the swine industry in China. Current flu vaccines do not appear to protect against it, although they could be adapted to do so if needed. Prof Kin-Chow Chang, who works at Nottingham University in the UK, told the BBC: "Right now we are distracted with coronavirus and rightly so. But we must not lose sight of potentially dangerous new viruses." While this new virus is not an immediate problem, he says: "We should not ignore it."
  11. I only ever used the entrance on the corner, down the steps, passed all the painted and perfumed ladies, and then down the escalator to the male department. Never had need of the Moor entrance.
  12. Ah. Benjamin Franklin Toys 4 You. Excellent idea.... 😉
  13. "Can I ask your advice, Padders?" Our forum friend, ever pleased to assist, volunteered to help. "Thing is...I'm having trouble chatting up women. In fact, I'm so shy I don't like to start any conversation with the opposite sex...and I'm going to the seaside next week, and want to impress..." "Well", said Padders, "I'm a man of the world. I've been around, if you follow my drift." He blushed. "I could tell you a few stories, eh?!" He became serious for a moment, mentally assessing the situation and recounting many of his past conquests - possibly alphabetically, who knows? "OK", he eventually said, "you'll be on the beach? In your shorts?" The bloke nodded. "That's good, then. In my vast experience, women are just the same as men - they look for physical attributes, if you see what I mean. You do know what I mean, don't you?" The bloke nodded again. "Any girl wants to see blokes that are....erm...ready. And able. Get me?". Padders extended his little finger. "Yes?" "Yes..." "OK...here's what to do. When you get to the beach, find two roundish pebbles about this size..." Padders demonstrated, " and a larger, longer one. When you find 'em, rinse 'em - carefully, mind! - and slide them into your shorts...." The bloke grinned, nodded, thanked Padders, and was gone.... Ten days later, the two met again. "How'd it go?" enquired Padders. "Not good," answered the bloke. "Even worse, in truth. I did just as you'd advised, but instead of the usual awkward scenes, all the women could hardly contain themselves for laughing, before running away. Dreadful, absolutely dreadful...." "You got the right size pebbles? Did you try to be positive and confident? Pleasant chat-up lines? Nothing risque?" The bloke nodded. "I'll show you exactly - I've got the pebbles with me...." He fished them out of his jacket pocket, and slipped 'em into his shorts. "Ah", said Padders. "I see where you went wrong" "You're meant to put them down the front...." Ayethangcue.
  14. Think I know him - agnostic, dyslexic and an insomniac? Stayed awake every night, wondering if there really was a Dog? Was it him?
  15. Yes...Emo Philips....strange bowl-like haircut from what I remember. Wonder what happened to him? Only thing I recall him saying was along the lines of "you might as well try and chew through the straps", in a similar vein to our usual joke of "Suppositories? For all the good they do, you might as well shove them up...." etc. About the same time there was another Yank on the circuit, who blew fag smoke through drinking straws into the middle of soap bubbles. He could even make cubes inside from what I remember.... Presumably the smoking ban put paid to that little talent, but I always thought what a fantastic job it would be being his roadie.....straws, check....bubble mixture, check....fags, check...lighter, check..... Right - that's it! Let's hit the road! Anyway, the thunderstorm sorted the screaming females. Actually, that's wrong - they're still screaming, but at least they're indoors. And more importantly, not in here.....
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