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Isn't this so romantic.....a sign of the times! Wife, being a romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. "If you are laughing, send me your smile. "If you are eating, send me a bite. "If you are drinking, send me a sip. "If you are crying, send me your tears. "I love you!" The husband, replied, "Am on toilet ......Please advise."

The Dying Priest* In a London Nursing Home an old Priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die", whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time. When they arrived in the Priest's room, the Priest took David's hand in his right hand and then Nick's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. The old Priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen" said David. "Amen" said Nick. The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving ********... and I would like to do the same."

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire-fighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire-fighter said with admiration. Thanks,' the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. ' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now "Fifty Sheds Of Grey", offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts... Fifty Sheds Of Grey We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?" I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently, massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches no matter What.... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said, 'Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!

"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her tits. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, “Yesterday."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

“Fifty Shades of Grey .....Hair” The missus bought a Paperback down Mumbles, Saturday, I had a look in to her bag; T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Well I just left her to it, At ten I went to bed. An one hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread….. In her left hand, she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Doris hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week. Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. Things they went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and… Said…..That I must dominate her!! Now if you knew our Doris , You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction From our last mad sex, I muttered. She stood there nude, all naked like; Bent forward just a bit …. So I thought what the hell, Stepped forward, but stood on her left tit! Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!! Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say, my jet black hair,…. Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

Two Clever Nuns - This is Brilliant There were two nuns One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later... SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logicalarrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty………………… Say two Hail Marys!

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland ."

Liverpool FC Liverpool have today signed an African player, Samuel Bowenedunyarowbagogogo, to show they are not a racist club. The club are now taking orders for his number 16 shirt and because of his long name his shirt will be printed up as Sam Bow, for ease of printing. Order yours today and support your club. "LFC, making racism a thing of the past ."

Italian Fire Department .. One dark night in the small town in Garfield , NJ , a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ . The volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

Subject: Mouse balls Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector. I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. 'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type! Of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

TRUST There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. Sticking out from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"