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Everything posted by Jabberwocky

  1. I remember Mikes theme tune! Its Mike, the headless chicken, He wont be doing no lickin, Because he lost his frickin, Head, did Mike the headless chicken! Songs were simpler back then...
  2. Heads are over rated. Its a scientific fact that we dont need them at all, as Mikey here can prove: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_the_Headless_Chicken Besides, I solemnly promise to return your head to you if the experiment fails- which it shouldnt, I hasten to add! I have the procedure of getting oxygen to the brain up and running now, with a couple of straws attached to the jugular vein. All you have to do is keep blowing into the straw.
  3. Just give me your head! Ive almost perfected the art of keeping them alive now- you get the once in a lifetime chance to be a Dalek!
  4. I despise the stuff but I always have to make it for my OH and family and various friends who visit my hovel and occasionally I`ll pick up a cup by accident and drink it. According to everybody, my screaming, spitting, yelling "OH GOD, IM DYING!!!" is a bit Drama queenish of me but they need to understand exactly how much I despise the muck. Coffee, THATS my tipple! Even though it makes me hyper and hits me harder than a tot of rum.
  5. Oh lord my mother used to do that and feed it to me when I was a kid! Id forgotten all about that!
  6. When I wish to impress I use my silver bucket! I stole it from a mortuary and it took me hours to get the stink out of it! You probably leave the bit in the bottom because like many people, you think theres a monster in there, just waiting to go down your throat and eat your spleen. It could easily happen!
  7. I just had a 1960s flashback! My mother and aunt pouring tea into a saucer then sipping it from there!
  8. I wonder if readers of tea leaves still buy the old fashioned kind...? With the tea strainer and stuff....? OR do they tear the tea bag open and sprinkle it into the cup.... Cant remember the last time I saw a tea strainer being sold anywhere!
  9. When I was a lad in the 60s, my mummy used to take me to see my Aunt Jessica. My aunt used to read tea leaves and each time my mummy went, she`d ask for a reading. She asked her to read my leaves too but I hated tea- not that it mattered because my mumsy-wumsy would FORCE ME TO DRINK IT!!! According to the leaves I would grow up into a "Drooling fool who ought to be put down like a rabid monkey" (My aunts words) which proves that the power of tea leaves is rubbish and innacurate!!! Any road up, that was before the invention of tea bags. People used to have tea leaves and a tea pot and a tea strainer and no matter how fine the strainer was, there were always a few leaves left in the bottom of the cup, lurking there, waiting for my tender young cake hole ....UGH, I used to HATE getting a trap full of bloody tea leaves! So, I learned not to drink all the tea and leave about an inch of it in the bottom of the cup. Decades later and I had switched to coffee and STILL left that inch in the bottom of the cup because of habit and now, a long time later I get told off by my OH (May god and Satan fill her belly button with fire ants) because of it. She drinks tea and drinks the cup dry, thanks to tea bags and I drink coffee and leave that drop in the bottom.... come to think of it, over the years I must have wasted an Atlantic oceans worth of coffee. Erm... forgot what the HELL I was gonna ask your opinions on now.... getting old...senile....twisted and perverse.... my GOD , I`m a filthy old man.... Oh yeah! I remember! Do YOU leave tea or coffee in the bottom of your cup/mug/bucket/trough/prostitutes` shoe? Or do you drink the lot? You greedy little monkey.
  10. Update on the childs` wounds! She had to have several stitches in her knee and is in a great deal of pain. I offered to assist by trying out the old "Vinegar and brown paper" cure thats best known in the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme but her mother- who co incidentally is yet another woman of the female variety threatened to maim me if I went within 30 yards of her. Women are so irrational! I was gonna use my best chip shop vinegar too.
  11. Actually I once had a plan for taking over the world that involved several thousand Daleks from the BBC stores, several thousand electric wheelchairs to put inside them and all I needed were several million volunteers to have their heads lopped off and fitted to the wheelchairs before insertion into the Daleks. Ok so several thousand volunteers would have died during my experiments to keep their heads alive but I WOULD have eventually succeeded. Trouble is people have no guts these days, not one single person came forward to volunteer. I still advertise on Facebook and on other media but so far... no one... Hint hint...
  12. Heres another one! I just tried to help with dinner by peeling spuds, right? SHE told me off because you arent supposed to peel new potatoes! What do we do then? Wait till they go old before we peel them????? Plus I saw her buy some last week and they were new because she`d only just bought them but SHE PEELED THOSE BUGGERS!!! Women! Cant live with `em..... Cant live with `em.
  13. Its not my fault is it??? I cant be blamed if my threads attract all the mad people!
  14. Soul...? Im a man with a women in my life! Im not allowed to have a soul!
  15. Ok this has gone far enough! I admit it, I put the stick through the spokes of the front wheel as she was passing me at high speed. I had to do it, She had a bike, I was holding a stick, what mortal man could have resisted????
  16. Yeah but by the same token can people prove they arent extra terrestrial by origin...? Its a fascinating subject for me, is this- not only for the potential of learning about new phenomena in the sly but also for the way people react- how entire societys react. Mexico city is a great example, they have loads of these sightings each week and have had them since the mid 90s- just about everyone there has seen something and that includes air force pilots and police officers, even their president. Most of these people are well able to identify objects in the sky as birds, balloons, planets and what have you but are utterly stumped by 90% of the things that are reported there.
  17. I heared once that theres not enough evidence to support the existence of UFOs, but some scientist or other said that theres more than enough of it, ok not bits of spaceships or dead aliens, but everything else, such as reports by astronauts, coppers, airforce personnel and many others, plus excellent film footage- some UFOs have been filmed by as many as up to 60 people in different parts of a city, the footage has been closely examined and theres no doubt that the object or objects filmed were nothing that could be identified. If that much evidence was used in a court of law, it`d be more then enough to send someone to the electric chair. If someone killed someone and hid the body and he was filmed and seen by god knows how many credible witnesses then a body isnt needed as evidence- same with UFOs aparrantly.
  18. The lesbians would need help after an hour with her!
  19. Erm. Her knee was cut. STOP CONFUSING ME WITH WORDS!
  20. If who helped her? He asks, with a worried look on his pretty little face....
  21. The bike is in hospital having its spokes plastered!
  22. She was on her bike when the accident happened. Shortly after that she wasnt on the bike... Im falling for this again, arent I...?
  23. Are you psychic? Do people EXPECT you to be psychic...? I just heared that one of my friends` kids has fallen off her bike and had to go to hospital, I mentioned this to my OH (May the good lord rot her gums) and she attempted to try out my hidden psychic powers. I said "Little Amy fell off her bike and shes had to go to hospital". The OH said " What has she done...?" I said "She fell off her bike" OH: "But what has she done...?" Me: "She fell off her bike" OH: "But WHAT has SHE done???" Me: "She FELL OFF HER BIKE!!!" OH: "BUT WHAT HAS SHE BLOODY DONE???" Me: "SHE WAS ON HER BIKE FOR A WHILE THEN DISCOVERED THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER ON IT BECAUSE SHE HAD FALLEN OFF OF IT!!!" She THEN asked me what her injuries were. I had received a text telling me that the girl had fallen off her bike and they were taking her to the hospital- thats all, no more, no less information than that. I wasnt told what colour the bike was, what clothes she was wearing, whether she`d fallen off because she had been attacked by a pterodactyl or how they were getting to the hospital and yet, my OH seemed to think that I could psychically glean all this information from the ether. I showed her the text and she STILL asked me what her injurys were! Now, I dont want to appear at all sexist (Even though Roy Chubby Brown once called me a fat, racist, sexist, foul mouthed pig) but you dont get this from blokes. You tell them something and thats it, information is passed and processed without the palaver of being expected to explain how the universe was created and how it might one day end. Lads, do you have the same trouble from women? Ladies: Girlies- I just KNOW youre gonna want to add to this thread and try to defend yourselves but... Oh god, its gonna be a massacre.
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