I have lived back in Sheffield for the past year and a half from living in Cardiff for 5 years, where I worked and did an Open University course and before that I lived here in Sheffield.
When I moved back I decided that I should go to a brick university to study a degree that I really wanted to do, which was Graphics Design. I had to start from the very bottom and I completed a foundation year in Art and Design, I really enjoyed it and I met a few people and got along with them, a few were my age (I'm 27).
However, since I got onto the Graphics Design Degree, I have nothing in common with any of the other students. I have only just started talking to one because she is older than me. I find it extremely difficult to want to do anything outside of university, mainly because I don't get on with anyone and the fact that I have medical conditions including mental health issues (biggest one being social anxiety) I have Fibromygalia, chronic fatigue, functional episodic neurological symptom disorder, along with anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, depression and most likely others due to trauma and severe bullying I endured throughout school and work. Instead of being physically bullied in work, I was treated like the 'class clown' and I was teased alot about the way I acted and sound until one day on a team night out at a weatherspoons I had a shot glass thrown at me for sticking up for myself because a work mate mocked me.
I find it extremely difficult to trust people and I feel like I am not the sort of person that people would want to be friends with. I have had friends in the past but I realised that the reason why they are friends with me is because I am there, I know this because no one wanted to do anything outside of school and work apart from 3 friends I made but they have started to talk to me less and less now.
I remember one time that I was in college, I got the bus back home with 2 other 'friends' as we all got the same bus. They had a discussion about wanting to go into town and they never bothered to ask me to come. There was another time that a friend wanted to hang out and stay out, obviously I thought great, someone actually want to hang out with me, but then I realised that she wanted to stay over because she was going to meet a guy in the area.
The only true friend I had, ended up using me and wanted to visit me because she wanted to escape from her children and husband so she could go out to get drunk.
So at the moment, I feel that I have zero friends and the only friend I feel I have is my husband and it took me years to get over the fact that he will never want to hurt me. It is so difficult to try and write this without wanting to cry, I just don't know what to do about this. My mental health is too bad at the moment to the point that I feel that everyone around me apart from my family secretly hates me.
:(
